Kevin Bridges: The Story So Far - Live in Glasgow Page #2

friends who would take it a bit too far

and introduce a Durex Extra Safe.

A Durex Extra Safe in a water fight,

you'll f***ing put somebody in a coma.

A Durex Ribbed Extra Safe!

You'll need facial

reconstruction.

I'm getting to that

age. I'm 23 years old.

I'm 23. Not a lot of

people believe that I'm 23.

In the west of Scotland, this

is what a young guy looks like

in this day and age. I'm 23.

I look like a darts prodigy,

don't I? Look at that.

I'm 23, so I'm

getting to that stage.

Some of my friends, some of

my cousins are having children.

You'll notice this:

In a family gathering

there's a newborn baby getting passed

around somebody's living room like a joint.

And everybody's

saying their piece.

You know, some people who've just got this

natural rapport when they speak to babies.

They can just go, "Oh,

look at you. Aw. Aw."

And the baby starts mumbling.

"Are you telling me a wee story?"

It's getting closer and closer

to me and I'm thinking, "Sh*t."

"I need to pretend

that I give a f***."

And it gets to me and

I just kind of freeze.

I'm going, "How are

you doing, mate?"

And the baby feels the

tension, starts to cry.

Everybody looks at me as

if I'm in the wrong here.

"Toughen up, you wee prick."

Dogs, as well. I feel uneasy

in the presence of dogs.

Not "dogs" in the

traditional sense.

I mean "dugs", right. You

know, you got a difference.

In Scotland they

call a dog a dug.

We take that "o" and

make it "u". A dog, a dug.

It's a slang term, but it's

also a social implication,

in that you get "dogs"

and you get "dugs".

D'you know what I mean by that?

You get, "Oh, look at that wee dog",

"Watch that f***in' dug."

You know, one of them big council-house

terriers with a name like Sasha.

Somebody brings it on a bus and

it jumps on top of you on the bus

and you shite yourself.

And the owner's going, "Don't

worry, she's only playing with you.

"Don't worry, she's

just a big softy."

And the dog's going,

"You know that's a lie.

"This isn't over."

I like animals. Just

feel uneasy amongst dogs.

I was watching a documentary about

animal testing, about toiletries

and cosmetic products

that get tested on animals.

And it was showing you

these horror stories

about animals that get

badly burned and disfigured.

Lt was pretty

distressing sh*t, right.

But I'm quite a positive guy.

I'm watching this, thinking, "What about

the happy stories about cosmetic tests?

"What about the tests

that were successful?"

"What about the toiletries and beauty

products that made it to the market?"

I want to turn on the TV

and see the two chimpanzees

in a laboratory cage somewhere saying,

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