Ideal Home Page #2

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I love an a**hole.

So to speak.

[laughter]

Cheers to that.

- Cheers to that!

- Double cheers!

[]

[indistinct conversations]

[woman 1] I mean, it is Santa Fe, right?

It's a little on the nose.

I just get sick

of all the turquoise.

It gets a little over...

I mean, no disrespect.

- You look great.

- [woman 2] Thanks.

Yeah.

Oh, hello, who are you?

Um...

Oh. Erasmus.

Well, someone can't spell

my name.

"Dear Arosmus.

This is your grandson."

Is... Is your father here?

Was he here?

Has he gone? Wh...?

What's your name?

Um, do you have a name?

Um, can we get

another chair, please?

- [woman chuckles]

- [man] Please.

Is that all you have

with you?

Well, we've got a Bible.

Some cash.

And a bag of cocaine.

Hmm.

All anyone really

needs in life, eh?

- [people chuckle]

- No clothes, I see.

I'll call the store.

They're about to close.

Oh. Oh, good.

[clears throat]

Um, everyone,

it would appear

this little chap

is my grandson.

The truth is,

Sandy Koufax had a huge dong.

- [man] Really?

- [woman] Huge dong. Legendary.

- Legendarily huge dong.

- [woman 2] Is that true?

[woman]

That is true. For a Jew.

Excuse me.

You have a grandson?

It's unbelievable, isn't it?

I mean, look.

I've had no work done.

I only found out you had

a son a few years ago.

He's estranged.

I told you about him.

No, not really.

Well, back in the '80s

when I was experimenting,

I had a liaison with a woman

which resulted in a baby...

yuck...

which she wanted to keep.

And... This is

all very murky.

I was probably off my tits

on Quaaludes.

Remember them?

What a blast.

Anywho, before you came along,

darling, I had a son called Bo

who dropped out of school,

developed a drug problem.

He even OD'ed at my book launch

in New York.

No. How embarrassing

for you.

Well, it was.

Anna Wintour was there.

Wait.

Where's the father?

According to the note,

he's in jail.

Yes, he's in jail.

- So he's moving in?

- Just keep an eye on him.

We can't have a kid.

We couldn't even handle

that little rat bastard

Yorkshire Terrier.

Thank God for that coyote.

Problem solved,

but a kid's too much.

Calm down, I'm sure someone

from Social Services

will turn up on the doorstep

and tell us where we stand.

Just take one of your pills.

Why don't you take

one of your pills?

That reminds me.

What are we going

to do about this?

I mean,

I don't do cocaine anymore,

but it seems such

a dreadful waste.

We could put it in one

of Tatyana's charity auctions.

- Perfect.

- I'm kidding.

We'd go to jail.

Oh.

Do you want a blow job?

- We have guests.

- Yes, you're right.

[man] Have a good night, guys.

Thanks so much.

Hey. So people are going

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