How to Be Single Page #2

(CLEARS THROAT)

I'm Tom. And... Hi.

If you're gonna be

using my free Wi-Fi,

at least you can do me a favor

and not write sh*t like,

"I want to wake up

with my best friend."

Unless you want

my dick to fall off.

And then maybe we could

become best friends,

and that'd be awesome.

Look, I spent half of last

year creating an algorithm

that trolls dating apps

for the best candidates

and downloads them

into an Excel spreadsheet.

So, I know

what I'm looking for.

Yeah, that's not weird at all.

What are you

really doing online?

I mean, you're a pretty girl.

This is New York City.

There's like a billion

people outside that door.

Yeah, but how many

eligible people?

Here. Okay, there are eight

million people in this city.

Sounds like a lot, right?

It does.

But, half of them are women.

And as hard as

I tried in college,

I don't swing that way.

How hard did you try?

Let it go.

Okay.

So, four million men.

And then you got to

have some age limits.

Let's say over 20.

Gotta keep it legal.

Under 40. Keep it sexy.

Now, it's a million.

Right. We're talking

about a million guys.

But half of them are married.

10 percent are gay.

I want someone

college educated.

Not too ugly.

So...

There's your boyfriend.

I wish.

He's got to be

taller than me...

(CHUCKLES)

And he's got to want kids.

So, yeah, I'm on 10 different

dating websites to

increase my odds.

So, what do you say?

You let me treat this bar

like it's my living room

and I won't call the cops every

night with a noise complaint.

Okay. Very cute.

These are the women?

Hmm.

Thanks.

Mmm. Mmm.

See you around.

Stupid.

Um, have a nice night.

Wait. What?

Where are you going?

I'm going home.

What?

I never want to

hear you say that again.

Ugh!

You're single now, okay?

You do not go home!

You shouldn't even have a home.

You should just

have 500 square feet

where you keep some clothes

and occasionally bathe.

Well, okay, technically,

I'm not, like, single.

We're just on a break.

Uh, there's no such thing as

a "break," Season-3 Ross.

No, we really are on a break.

We're just taking

a little bit of time apart

to make sure we really

want to be together.

Oh, so you're on some

kind of sexual rumspringa?

No.

Why didn't you say anything?

I could've made you

take a half-day!

It was my first day at work.

Rumspringa!

What? No! Where

are we going? (LAUGHS)

Ask me for a rum and Coke

if you think you're gonna die.

Get out of here!

Uh,

you said on your profile

you're a big dreamer.

You know, please. (CHUCKLES)

No, no, I think I want

what everybody wants.

Cross off some things

on the bucket list.

So, what is on

your bucket list?

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