Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star Page #3

going to meet movie stars?

Oh, man, that's the easy part.

So, I woke up in a boxcar

outside Lincoln, Nebraska.

All right, it was

5:
00 in the morning.

Hey, Tom Arnold, what's up?

Hey, hey, it's Tom "A"

in here, okay?

And keep quiet;

it's just getting good.

She's a cross-addicted

sex addict.

Ooh.

And I realized

that I had hit bottom.

I hit bottom.

I see you on TV all the time.

You're doing great.

Listen, what's up?

Hey, Orville and Wilbur called.

They want to buy your collars.

They're going to take off

from Kitty Hawk at sundown.

What does that mean?

They invented the airplane,

and your lapels

are unusually huge.

That's funny.

Yeah.

Or is it?

I can bench-press 350 pounds.

That's great.

That's a lot.

Hey, man, I see you everywhere.

You're kicking ass.

True Lies was great.

I rent it all the time.

Can you get me in

with Rob Reiner?

Excuse me. Sir?

Can we help you?

Are you here

because you're an alcoholic?

Whoa. No. No. Baby.

Don't get that

floating around town.

Last thing I need

is people to think

I'm some drunk, alkie loser.

Not that it's bad.

I mean, it's cool.

You need to be

an alcoholic to be here.

All right.

Aw, there's got to be another AA

meeting around here somewhere.

Bingo. I'll take Brendan Fraser

to block.

Whew! Sorry I'm late, gang,

but I am wasted.

Drinking shots like a madman.

I'm chocked,

cocked and crapulous.

You know what I mean?

One tequila, two tequila,

three tequila, floor.

Right? Who's with me?

This guy knows what I'm saying.

Can we help you?

Oh, God, I hope you can.

My name's Dickie Roberts,

and I'm a whiskey-puking alkie.

Well, that's all

very interesting,

but this is a Lamaze class.

Oh. Okay. Nice to see you.

I'm telling this story

to everybody I see.

That's got to be the dumbest

thing I've ever witnessed.

Maybe it was.

But listen, what are you doing

in Lamaze class anyway?

Is your wife pregnant?

Yeah.

My wife is pregnant.

Here she is now.

Have you met?

- Uh... no.

- Actually, we have.

Three years ago, you hit on me,

and I shot you down,

and then you stole my number

from a friend.

You know that we've been married

more than three years, right?

And then you drunk-dialed me,

like, 30 times,

trying to hook up

some sort of booty call.

Yes, right. What's up?

Anyway, I got to pee.

Nice to see you.

Yes. Good to see you again.

Anyway, Brendan,

I'm a big fan and...

And you think

that you could score

if I got you an audition

for Mr. Blake's Backyard?

Oh, my God. Of course.

Yeah, I can make a phone call

for you. Is it Rob Reiner?

Oh, my God!

I love Brendan Frazier.

Fraser.

It is Fraser.

It's Fraser.

Why do people say...?

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