Delivery Man Page #2

Kids are a black hole.

They will suck up all of your energy,

your money, your time, your hair.

Remember when I had great hair?

I can't get it up anymore.

How can you talk like this

in front of your children?

I can say anything I want

in front of my children

because they don't listen to me.

My children do not pick up on

the frequencies of my voice.

And I'm telling you,

I have a problem

achieving a full erection now.

It's not normal for a man of my age

to no longer have a nice, big erection.

Hey, what are you doing?

Listen to me, go back to bed.

Not in the sandbox.

Don't get in the sand.

Don't go in the sand!

- As your friend...

- Daddy?

No. No, no, no. Hey.

- Dad.

- Back to bed, honey.

Daddy.

I'm trying to have a conversation.

Please stop that.

- Daddy!

- Okay, stop that now.

I'm telling you, I think

I might want a kid.

As your friend and as your lawyer,

David, may I be brutally frank with you?

Sure.

You don't have the skills

to bring up a child.

I need order in my life.

And this is order?

I think this is beautiful.

Daddy!

David Wozniak.

Uh, the back door was

already broken into.

My name is Mark Williams.

I'm an attorney.

I've been trying to contact you

for several days now, Mr. Wozniak.

I do not have a great deal of time.

I shall be brief.

Between 1991 and 1994,

you donated sperm

under the pseudonym "Starbuck"

at the privately-owned

Graboski-Levitt Clinic,

which I represent.

No.

That was not a question,

it was a statement.

We have all the documents

necessary to prove it.

Over the course of 33 months,

you were a very, very frequent donor.

You donated 693 times

in exchange for which

you received the sum of $24,255.

Your sperm is of a very high quality.

Oh, thank you.

I'm sure your sperm is also high-end.

Uh...

Certain complications arose,

which meant that for a period,

Mr. Graboski-Levitt gave your sperm

to all the women in his clientele.

You have sired 533 children

and 142 of them

wish to know your identity.

What?

You are the biological father

of 533 children.

At the time of each of

your multiple donations,

you signed a confidentiality agreement.

Legally, the Graboski-Levitt Clinic

is obligated to protect your identity.

But a subset of your children

is contesting the legality

of those documents.

They wish to know who Starbuck is.

You say that for each

of the 693 sperm donations

you signed a confidentiality agreement

under the pseudonym of "Starbuck"?

Every time. Always.

I always signed the

confidentially agreement, always.

And you signed those documents

before or after executing

the manual labor?

Before.

And you always wrestled

the dragon alone?

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