Deep in the Heart of Texas: Dave Chappelle Live at Austin City Page #3

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These doctors, thank God, are healthy.

They are out there somewhere tonight

at Whole Foods,

touching vegetables, walking around.

Everything's okay.

"Hey, Frank. How are you?"

"You didn't hear? I had Ebola last week.

But I'm doing all right now.

I was bleeding out of my eyes and anus,

so I got concerned,

but I'm okay."

What happened to the brother in Dallas?

They just rubbed some Vicks

on that nigga's chest.

"Good luck, little buddy."

I knew he wasn't gonna make it.

I remember. Sad.

I saw in The New York Times--

they said Ebola is the new AIDS.

Whew! Isn't that something?

Here I am, thinking that old AIDS

was working just fine,

and they already have a new AIDS out.

Isn't that amazing how they do that?

Isn't it weird how there's a disease

that just starts in 1980,

and it doesn't kill anybody

but niggas, fags and junkies?

Isn't that a f***ing amazing coincidence

that this disease hates everybody

that old, white people hate?

I think either God is white,

or the government hid that sh*t

in disco balls.

Only fun people get AIDS.

Last month,

on the front of The New York Times,

the measles was the headline.

I had to check the date of the paper.

I was like, "Measles? Is this 1850?

What the f*** is this?

Why is measles in the news?"

It turns out they were trying to decide

if mandatory vaccinations for children

is the way we all want to go.

Any thoughts?

You say yes?

I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen. I just--

I don't know. I don't know about this one.

First of all, black people generally

don't trust doctors.

After the Tuskegee experiments

and all that sh*t.

More importantly, don't forget

Michael Jackson was killed by a doctor.

Granted, he was doing drugs.

But if I was a heroin addict

and I had a licensed physician

injecting heroin in me,

I should survive that.

I'd just be like, "I'm good, right?

I'm good?

It's not too much, is it?"

Dr. Butterfingers killed Michael Jackson.

After that, I was like,

"F*** going to the doctor."

Why the f*** am I getting

my kids vaccinated

for an old-ass disease like measles?

You might as well give them

a diarrhea shot if you're so worried.

Diarrhea has a bigger body count

than the measles do.

You know, diarrhea is funny today, but...

a hundred years ago,

if your ass had diarrhea,

you were a goner.

There was a zero chance of surviving.

You get that first squirt. Pfft! Uh-oh.

"Better start getting my affairs in order.

I don't have much time.

It's diarrhea. It's very serious."

You just watch your buddy slowly die

in a pool of his own sh*t.

Pfft! "Oh. Oh.

I give up, diarrhea."

Pfffft! "You're too strong." Pfft!

Nowadays, your buddy would be like,

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