Craig Ferguson Just Being Honest Page #2

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you like.

It is carte blanche,

which is French for "white map."

It is white map.

It is white map to say

whatever you want.

I'm not judging.

I'm just being honest.

You can say what you like.

I'm not judging.

I'm just being honest.

But your mom

gives terrible blow jobs.

Is that too much already?

All right.

We'll bring it back a bit.

I'm not judging.

I'm just being honest.

Your mom gives great blow jobs.

You know, when people get

offended at one of my shows,

I think, "What the f***

did you think was gonna happen?

I mean, really, you come to a

tumbledown sh*t pit like this"...

I'm not judging.

I'm just being honest.

"You come...

"you come to a beautiful theater

like this,

"stinking of weed,

"to see a creepy foreigner

that used to tell dirty jokes

"in the middle of the night

on free TV.

What the f*** did you think

was gonna happen?"

See, I think...

I used to think that everybody

came to a comedy show

for a laugh,

and most people do, I think,

but there are some, there's

always some in every show

that are here for something

better than a laugh.

They're about here tonight,

I think.

They're here

for something better,

not for comedy,

for something ever more fun...

the exquisite pleasure

of righteous indignation.

Yes, that's not funny to me,

because I'm morally superior

to you.

But let me put it to you,

if everyone around you

is laughing

and you are not laughing,

perhaps you are not

morally superior.

Perhaps you're just

a miserable sh*t.

Not judging.

It's not that you're not allowed

to be offended.

Of course you are. You must

talk about what offends you.

That's what I do.

I talk about what offends me.

It's just that whatever,

you know, seems to offend

most people doesn't seem

to bother me at all.

I'm not offended by, you know,

what you believe.

I don't give a sh*t

what your belief system is.

I mean, you're wrong,

but I'm not offended by it.

I'm not offended if you think

that magic underpants

are gonna put God

in a good mood.

Good for you.

I'm not offended

if you think

the magic Scientology machine

will make you not gay.

Good for you.

Here's one.

I'm not offended if you think

the biscuit turns into Jesus.

Ooh, remember how excited

you were

about how offended

you were gonna be?

Wait a minute.

No, of course the biscuit

turns into Jesus.

Can I ask, when does the biscuit

turn into Jesus?

Is it on the way to your mouth

or does your saliva

activate the biscuit,

turning it into Jesus?

For example, could you go

to a supermarket,

open up a packet of biscuits,

and go...

Jesus?

Not judging.

No, none of that offends me.

I'm not offended

by your belief system.

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