Craig Ferguson Just Being Honest

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It sounds

like it'd be fabulous.

Like, "You wearing

your shingles to Gay Pride?"

"Fucking bet I am, bitch.

I'm gonna be covered in shingles

and smelling of weed."

But it's not like that

at all, shingles.

It's like, "Oh, God!

Aah, it's so painful, shingles.

I hope cats get this."

But people get mad at you

if you say your catchphrase.

People get mad at you if

you don't say your catchphrase.

People get mad at you if you do

what I do for a living.

They just get mad at you

if you just talk.

I think people are mad at me on

the way to the fucking theater.

I think people are offended

before they leave

the fucking house.

"You ready to go to the show?"

"Yep."

"Are you offended?"

"Fucking right, I am. Let's go."

So, if people get offended

at one of my shows,

I think, "What did you think

was gonna happen?

"What did you think

was gonna happen?

I mean, what"...

Anyway, what I'm saying is

people get offended

all the time.

Let me just apologize now,

do you know what I mean?

Let me just apolo...because

before this night is through,

I guarantee that each and every

one of you will be offended

by something that I say.

Save your applause until

it's your turn, all right?

Not that I'm gonna offend you,

of course,

because I happen to believe what

everyone in this room believes.

Craig, that's crazy. You can't

believe what everyone believes.

I don't. I only believe what

everyone in this room believes.

Everyone who's not here is

a stupid asshole.

Am I right,

everybody in this room?

Yeah!

I'm not judging them.

I'm just being honest.

That's what you say, by the way,

if you want to say

the worst shit you can think of

and get away with it,

you just add to the sentence,

"I'm not judging.

I'm just being honest."

Then you can say what the f*ck

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