Comedy Central Roast of James Franco Page #3

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that you're the face of the operation?

I assume he's like

a sweaty orthodox jew

eating a pastrami sandwich:

"Hey, Sethy,"

yeah, I added nine

dick jokes on page four.

And I was thinking that the guys are

friends and then they're not friends

and then at the end of the movie

they're friends again.

"And also they should smoke

a lot of ganja, Sethy."

We got a lot of jews

on stage here tonight.

You know, people say

that jews control the media.

And we do. And you know why?

'Cause we're really good at it.

I've never heard anyone say, "why are

all those black dudes in the n.b. A?"

Because they're better

at dunking, just like jews

are better at whatever joke

my jew writers come up with.

Lisa lampanelli's here!

(Scattered cheers)

Oh, I'm sorry,

that's Jeff ross.

Andy Samberg is here!

Or as I like to call him:

Better-looking more-successful me.

Jonah Hill. You know, a lot

of people are gonna touch

on your weight tonight, Jonah, but not

enough people are gonna talk about

what an a**hole you've become.

But we're here tonight

to celebrate James Franco,

the man who made

this whole evening possible.

James always has that look of,

"oh man, how did this perfect

amount of facial hair"

end up on my face?

You know, I'm from palo alto,

from california,

"yet no one questions why I talk

like I'm from 1940s brooklyn."

James Franco is truly

our generation's James dean.

James dean of course

died at the tender age of 24,

sparing himself

the embarrassment

of getting roasted by a bunch

of jealous jew monsters.

James, honestly, what happened

with you and anne hathaway?

Did you bone her out?

You know what?

You're a gentleman,

you don't have to answer that.

Just squint once if yes.

Quick reminder that

if at any point tonight

James fully opens his eyes, there

will be six more weeks of summer.

But in all seriousness, James,

I admire your work ethic.

I think you're... (mumbles)

I'm just here to get

slightly more famous.

And remember,

if anyone here bombs tonight,

it's just 'cause they're doing an

impression of James Franco at the oscars.

Thank you, guys. Enjoy the

rest of your night. That's it.

All right, I have to admit

I'm a little jealous

of our next roaster.

He's gotten to work with guys

like quentin tarantino,

martin scorsese, brad pitt.

And I'm stuck doing movies

with self-important a**holes

like Jonah Hill.

Please welcome Jonah Hill.

(applause)

Hi, guys, James.

How's it going?

It's really great to be here

for my buddy James.

I just don't know why

they would choose me, though,

because there's

nothing really anyone

can make fun of me for.

I guess,

these guys are gonna

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