Comedy Central Roast of Donald Trump Page #2
- TV-MA
- Year:
- 2011
- 65 min
- 902 Views
call a Jewish guy
So, now Charlie
is a self-contained unit.
He is dependent upon no man
and no thing...
Except crack, jack, crank,
meth, ludes,
Vicodin, blow, acid,
uppers, poppers,
"E," nitrous, dust, hash,
and this one boner medicine
from Norway.
He's the reason
a dick with cocaine on it
is called a "sheenis."
Wow.
Wow.
He's still with us,
Charlie Sheen.
In fact, Charlie just celebrated
his 46th birthday...
Thank you.
Thank you.
A statement no one thought
we would ever hear--
kind of like,
"Get Jeselnik on the phone."
Or...
Or "Jeff Ross'll pay for it."
Or Jon Lovitz saying,
"one [bleep] at a time, please."
Charlie allegedly
made a prostitute cry
at the Plaza hotel.
I want to tell you though,
Charlie, I think she's lying.
'Cause I saw the scene
where you got arrested
in Wall Street.
You can't even
make yourself cry.
But, you know, with all those
"Dangerous Jobs" shows on TV,
like the ones about crab
fishing, ice-road trucking,
why is there no show
about the most dangerous
job out there--
Being an escort
for Charlie Sheen?
How long must we wait
for the first season
of Deadliest Snatch?
I'm ready to see that right--
right now.
Honestly, Charlie,
I never thought
I would live to see the night
that you would live
to see this night.
I really didn't.
And now our first roaster,
Jon Lovitz.
He was one of the stars
that the critics have hailed
as "not the worst."
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome the star
of "Two and a Half Chins,"
one of my favorite
SNL comics ever,
Jon Lovitz.
Thank you for that
introduction, Seth MacFarlane.
Anyway, I am Jon Lovitz,
although I think most of you
know me by my stage name--
J-Lo.
Thank you.
Well, look at this dais.
Mike Tyson is here.
Yes, sir.
You know, his boxing nickname
is iron Mike,
which is what the guards
used to scream at him
in the prison laundry.
I don't do that anymore, Jon.
Well, I know
you don't do that anymore.
You're not in prison anymore.
Just making it clear.
He's funny.
Hey, how did Amy Schumer
get here?
I'd ask whose [bleep]
she sucked to get on the dais,
but she's dating
Anthony Jeselnik,
so I'll just ask him.
Anthony, whose [bleep] did
Amy suck to get on the dais?
Who else is--
Oh, hello, Steve-O.
Yes, sir.
Talked to Steve-O this morning.
I said,
"How's your day going?"
He said, "Great.
I woke up, took a big sh*t,
then got out of bed...
You know, unlike all
you people on this dais,
I, uh--
I actually know Charlie,
and I'm famous.
No, he's my friend.
I've known him
for about 18 years,
and I can tell you he's nothing
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"Comedy Central Roast of Donald Trump" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 8 May 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/comedy_central_roast_of_donald_trump_5799>.
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