Carry on Cruising Page #3

- l rather fancy the Doctor means your trousers.

Oh, my trousers... My what? Never!

- lf you want promotion to this new liner...

- Say no more.

Argh!

(Cook screams)

What's the matter, Steward, not feeling well?

Oh, no, sir. No, l'm all right. lt's... lt's just, well...

l-l'm new to this sort of thing and er...

l'm afraid of making a mistake.

Well, you don't want to be afraid.

All you need to be a good steward is tact.

l'll give you an example.

A steward l knew walked in on a lady

standing in her bath.

Took one look at her,

he said, ''Excuse me, sir'' and left.

Tact, see?

Hey, that's dead clever, innit?

l'll remember that.

- Thank you, sir.

- Right, go on, then.

Hello, hello.

And which of you two fellas takes sugar?

Get out.

Morning. Hope you slept well.

Clot!

(Chuckles) Quite an energetic game, what?

Bye.

Ooh! Ooh, my knee!

Bye. See you again.

Bye.

- That's it, Flo, you've clicked.

- With that? Thank you!

Oh, don't be like that. l think he's rather nice.

Then you have him.

- l'm on this cruise to get a rest from men.

- Bighead.

Bighead?

Oh, no, really,

l think you ought to give him a chance.

He seems kind of...helpless.

Helplessness is the last thing l am looking for.

(Wheezes and coughs)

(Gasps)

Mad, impulsive fool!

- Er...working on the omelette, eh? (Tuts)

- Something wrong, chief?

Oh, no, no, no. l've never seen eggs cracked

more conscientiously. Or slowly.

Speed, man! Speed is the essence.

Do it the Haines way.

Lift...and drop.

Now you just strain through with a sieve.

- Get me the First Officer.

(Knock)

Come in.

- What delayed you?

- l'm terribly sorry, sir.

Overslept, Mr er... Mr er...

Sea air, sir. l always find the first few days

makes me feel quite drowsy.

- Shut your porthole.

- Begging your pardon, sir, one must have...

And your cakehole. Stop fidgeting.

- Paperwork. Not my favourite occupation.

- Nor mine.

- lt's going to be, from now on.

- Oh, charming.

Health report, doc report, crew report,

food report, log report, sports report,

diesel, oil and fuel report.

# And a partridge in a pear tree

(Laughs)

- Omelettes all prepared, chief.

- Excellent.

That was a timesaver.

ln a matter of minutes, 1 200 eggs.

1 200 e...

- You should have seen 'em sliding through

the sieve - slurp, slurp, slurp.

- Slurp!

- What can l do now, chief?

Out of my way! They're wearing off!

My pills! They're wearing off!

lNSTRUCTOR:
Heels together.

Hands extended above the head.

lNSTRUCTOR:
And...bend.

- Three.

- Mmm!

And lower. Heels together. Hips firm.

Doctor! Doctor! Doc...

The mixture. Where...

Urgh!

That's better.

The pills!

Pills...

Different colour. Hm... Same shape.

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