Carnage Page #4

NANCY:

A very nice couple, admit it.

ALAN:

Very.

MICHAEL comes back with the tray.

MICHAEL:

A good cobbler isn’t easy to make.

NANCY:

True.

MICHAEL sets the tray on the coffee table. During the

following dialog, he carves out portions on the plates and

hands them to his guests.

ALAN:

What do you sell?

MICHAEL:

Decorative hardware. Door locks,

handles, copper fittings. And kitchen

equipment, pots and pans...

ALAN:

That a good living?

MICHAEL:

You know, it's not like we had any

banner years or anything. It was

tough starting out. But long as I'm

out there every morning, with my

catalog and my sample case, it's a

living. Although the cast iron

roasting pans do pick up around the

holidays!

11.

ALAN:

Yeah.

Beat.

NANCY:

When you saw the hamster was

terrified, why didn't you bring it

home?

MICHAEL:

Cause I don't touch them.

NANCY:

You put it on the sidewalk.

PENELOPE returns with the coffee.

MICHAEL:

It was in the cage. I flipped it

over. No way I'm touching those

things.

PENELOPE:

(to ALAN:
)

Sugar?

ALAN:

No, no sugar. What kind of cobbler

you make?

PENELOPE:

Apple and pear.

NANCY:

Apple and pear?

PENELOPE:

Yeah, it’s my own little recipe.

(giggles:
)

It's too cold. Shame.

NANCY:

Apple and pear, that's new to me.

PENELOPE:

Apple and pear is a classic. But

there’s a trick to it.

NANCY:

Really?

PENELOPE:

You have to cut the pear thicker than

the apple, because the pear cooks

faster.

12.

NANCY:

Oh, right.

MICHAEL:

She's not telling you the real

secret.

PENELOPE:

Let them taste it.

ALAN:

Very good. Very good.

NANCY:

Delicious.

PENELOPE:

Gingerbread crumbs!

NANCY:

Oh my God.

PENELOPE:

It's sort of a souped-up Betty

Crocker recipe. To be honest, I got

the idea from his mother.

ALAN:

Gingerbread, fantastic. At least we

get a new recipe out of this, huh?

PENELOPE:

I wish my son didn't have to lose two

teeth in the process.

ALAN:

Yeah, of course, that's what I meant.

NANCY:

You have a novel way of expressing

it.

ALAN:

No, hey. I....

His cell vibrates - he checks the display.

ALAN (CONT'D)

I have to take this...

(on phone:
)

Yes, Walter.

WALTER (O.S. - TEL)

Here’s my question: Can we do a

letter-to-the-editor?

13.

ALAN:

No. No letters to the editor.

You'll just fan the flames.

WALTER (O.S. - TEL)

We can't just turn a blind eye to

this!

ALAN:

Was it scheduled?

WALTER (O.S. - TEL)

Well, no.

ALAN:

Uh-huh.

WALTER (O.S. - TEL)

We decided to let it go.

ALAN:

What are these disorders anyway?

What's ataxia?

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