Bad Santa 2 Page #2

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and whiskey.

F*** you.

Why do you have to go so soon?

We just got back together.

Cut that sh*t out.

We're not back together.

Guess you don't know what today is.

I don't even know

what f***ing year it is, kid.

It's my birthday.

- Today is your f***ing birthday?

- Uh-huh.

I'm 21. Officially a man.

Goddamn. You're 21 already.

That's creepy.

- Are you still gonna pop my cherry?

- Am I gonna what?

No! F*** no!

But you said that when I was 21

that you'd pop my cherry.

I said I'd get it done by somebody else.

Besides that, I'm a f***ing guy.

You didn't turn funny, did you'?

Am I funny?

So you haven't done it with anybody yet.

Not a man or a woman

or an animal or anything.

No, I waited for you.

- But surely, you jerked off or...

- You mean masturbate, don't you?

Well, if you wanna be scientific,

yeah, I guess so.

My friend Ronnie says,

ifs when you play with your wiener

and think about your mother.

I did it once, but it felt weird.

She's in heaven with God,

you know. Watching me.

Okay, so here's how it's gonna go down.

He's already asked me where his cherry is.

So you could tell him

to put his dick in your purse

and he wouldn't know

any f***ing difference.

It's gonna be the easiest 20 bucks

you ever made.

Twenty bucks?

You must be high

on some strong sh*t, Willie.

A hundred. Or I'm gonna carry my ass

outta this old piece of a room right now.

All right.

Fifty, or I'll just go get your mother.

Sixty.

All right.

And nothing up my ass.

You done took all that, Willie.

Okay.

Well, let's get to it.

I gotta pick up my grandson from ballet.

- Can I fix you a sandwich?

- No.

- I got your sandwich, baby.

- Willie, I made you a sandwich.

I ain't sticking around.

Just give it to Opal after.

Now, listen, here's how it works.

She's gonna pull her rig off.

And she's gonna get on all fours.

Now, you stand behind her

and drop your rig.

Then, you're gonna see something that

looks like some kind of Japanese food.

It ain't, so don't eat it.

That's the bulls-eye.

Then you just start tugging

on your little soldier.

Wait till he gets to attention,

then poke him in there.

Keep poking it in there till he spits up.

You're gonna need a raincoat.

She'll have one,

so don't worry about that.

As soon as you're done,

run to the bathroom, wash your crotch.

That way, you don't wake up wondering

why you got oatmeal in your carpet.

Breathe through your mouth

so that you don't puke.

Shouldn't be a problem for you.

You got it?

- You got 60 bucks?

- No.

- What you got?

- I have $20.

Keep it down.

I have 20.

- Give it to her after.

- Later, Opal.

- Mm-hmm.

Come on, baby. Come on.

Get a bite of this pumpernickel bread.

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