Bad Santa 2
1
Christmas, Christmas
Christmas
Well, it's Christmas time,
pretty baby
And the snow is falling on the ground
Christmas, Christmas
Well, it's Christmas time,
pretty baby
And the snow is on the ground
Christmas, Christmas
Well, you be a real good little girl
Santa Claus is back in town
Christmas, Christmas
Got no sleigh with reindeer
No sack on my back
You're gonna see me comin'
In a big black Cadillac
Whoa, it's Christmas time,
pretty baby
And the snow is falling on the ground
Christmas, Christmas
Well, you be a real good little baby
Santa Claus is back in town
Christmas
- What the f***?
Hang up your pretty stockings
And turn off the light
Down yum chimney tonight
Ooh
You think I want this piece of sh*t?
F*** you!
And the snow is falling on the ground
- Well, you be a real good little baby
- Hey, hey, hey!
- Get away!
- F*** you!
Horny drunk!
Christmas, Christmas, Christmas
Christmas, Christmas
Let's just say my whole life
has been one long f***ing
miserable nightmare most of the time.
And pure sh*t on a good day.
Goddamn it.
a few dull bright spots here and there.
F*** it.
Like a piece of ass
who didn't look me in the eye
or wanna show me pictures
of her f***ing vacation.
Or a good drunk
when I didn't choke on my own vomit.
- Ah!
- I even almost had a friend once.
Sure, he was a mouth-breathing,
snot dripping 8-year-old
who couldn't find his fat ass
with both hands,
but he was clueless enough to think
I wasn't the worthless piece of sh*t
everybody else thinks I am.
Including me.
I also found what was the closest thing
I ever had to an actual girlfriend.
She liked the job I had at the time,
especially while I was in uniform.
Sounds like a happy ending, don't it?
But, you see...
you can only puke in somebody's lap
so many times
before the romance takes a sh*t.
And the kid,
he still creeps around every now and then
For his own good.
So you see, happy endings are bullshit.
Actually, there aren't such things
as endings at all,
because when some sh*t gets over with,
that sucks ass.
Merry f***ing Christmas.
Oh, there's no place like home
For the holidays
'Cause no matter
how far away you roam
When you pine for the sunshine
Of a friendly gaze
For the holidays
You can't beat home sweet home
I met a man who fives in Tennessee
And he was headin' for Pennsylvania
From Pennsylvania folks are trav'ling
Down to Dixie's sunny shore
From Atlantic to Pacific
Gee, the traffic is terrific
Goddamn it.
Oh, there's no place like home
For the holidays
For the holidays
You can't beat home sweet home
Willie?
Willie? It's me, Thurman.
Willie, what are you doing?
Did you get yourself stuck up there?
Okay, I'll go. But this package
came to my house for you, Willie.
There's a lot of money in it.
And a phone.
And a note.
What? Chair!
- Chair?
- Chair!
Chair.
Give me the goddamn chair.
Willie, you fell.
Goddamn. Are you
a complete f***ing retard?
No. The Hungry Hoagies people tested me.
I'm top of the spectrum.
So they made me
a full-time sandwich consultant.
- Well, I'm glad you followed your passion.
- What's that smell?
Is the oven on?
Are you making Hot Pockets?
We do hot sandwiches
But I always burn my hand
getting them out of oven.
Darlene says I should put butter
on my hand, but that's stupid.
We only put butter on food.
Hand isn't food.
Merry Merry Christmas
Christmas everywhere
Merry Merry Christmas
I know we left on bad terms.
But you gotta understand,
it was only business.
We were partners.
It's not an excuse.
But Lois got all up in my kitchen.
Crazy b*tch had me all turned around
with her magical Laotian p*ssy.
- Don't blame it on the snapper.
- I was p*ssy-blind. I'm ashamed.
You tried to murder me, you little prick.
Remember that?
And not with some
little nubbin-dick gun,
but with adult
man-sized bullets.
- And now I'm hereto make it up to you,
- Why are you even out of the joint anyway?
Some pity case
on account of you're a genetic defect?
You know, they used to
sterilize guys like you.
Keep the world from becoming
some Negro Land of Oz.
Shut the f*** up!
Early release. Overcrowding.
Well, it must've been packed to the gills
if they couldn't cram
your three-foot ass in there.
We got a job, Willie. That two grand
is just to show I'm serious.
Or did you get carpal tunnel
from jacking off'?
- I can crack just fine, thanks.
- I'm talking millions this time.
- Where at?
- Chi-Town.
I thought you were all done
with the gooks.
Chicago, you racist moron f***!
I got an associate out there
who has got this thing all lined up.
- What associate?
- I'm not at liberty to disclose just yet.
But they know your work.
And they want to bring us in and put us up
in some fine-ass metropolitan digs
and finance the whole operation.
You're outta your f***ing skull.
What are you gonna do?
Try and kill yourself again?
That's none of your
goddamn business what I do.
Don't let the door hit you in the ass.
Or I won't let it hit me in the ass.
Whatever the f*** it is.
Did you
even score once while I was away?
I'm talking two mil here.
That's a lot of fat-ass b*tches
and whiskey.
F*** you.
Why do you have to go so soon?
We just got back together.
Cut that sh*t out.
We're not back together.
Guess you don't know what today is.
I don't even know
what f***ing year it is, kid.
It's my birthday.
- Today is your f***ing birthday?
- Uh-huh.
I'm 21. Officially a man.
Goddamn. You're 21 already.
That's creepy.
- Are you still gonna pop my cherry?
- Am I gonna what?
No! F*** no!
But you said that when I was 21
that you'd pop my cherry.
I said I'd get it done by somebody else.
Besides that, I'm a f***ing guy.
You didn't turn funny, did you'?
Am I funny?
So you haven't done it with anybody yet.
Not a man or a woman
or an animal or anything.
No, I waited for you.
- But surely, you jerked off or...
- You mean masturbate, don't you?
Well, if you wanna be scientific,
yeah, I guess so.
ifs when you play with your wiener
I did it once, but it felt weird.
She's in heaven with God,
you know. Watching me.
Okay, so here's how it's gonna go down.
He's already asked me where his cherry is.
So you could tell him
to put his dick in your purse
and he wouldn't know
any f***ing difference.
It's gonna be the easiest 20 bucks
you ever made.
Twenty bucks?
You must be high
on some strong sh*t, Willie.
A hundred. Or I'm gonna carry my ass
outta this old piece of a room right now.
All right.
Fifty, or I'll just go get your mother.
Sixty.
All right.
And nothing up my ass.
You done took all that, Willie.
Okay.
Well, let's get to it.
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"Bad Santa 2" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 10 Nov. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/bad_santa_2_3467>.
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