Angus Thongs And Perfect Snogging Page #2

of every girls' magazine.

So, it starts with level one,

holding hands.

Two, arms around waist.

Three, good night kiss.

Four, kiss lasting over three minutes

without breath.

- Five, open mouth kissing.

- Number six, tongues.

Oh, my God.

Seven, upper body fondling outdoors.

Eight... Oh, my God.

I've gone all jelloid.

- Who are those fitties?

- They're well beyond fit, they're lush.

They are sex gods.

- They must be newbies.

- Ace Gang, it's boy-stalking time.

Ladies?

- They have mushy peas and chips.

- Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, definitely.

I want them!

You're here. You're late. Get changed.

We're going on a family outing.

- Do we have to?

- What do you mean, do we have to?

You used to love doing things

with the family.

Georgia, don't start, not tonight.

We're going to the Bonker's Buffet

and your granddad's coming as well.

Oh, look out.

Oh, no.

They're Granddad's teeth.

Granddad's teeth.

So, the sex gods are twins.

- C'est magnifique.

- Marvy.

- But they're not identical.

- Obviously, Jas.

They're two years above us.

Jackie's got Geography

with the one called Tom.

She says he just moved here

from London.

London! I knew they were cosmopolitan.

Apparently their family just opened

an organic shop on the high street.

Dishy and nutritious.

So, G, Tom or Robbie?

Which brother do you want?

- What about me?

- El, we saw them first.

That's not fair!

Ellen, you have to be emotionally

sorted to be ready for a boyfriend.

Jas and I are there.

We even devised a snogging scale.

That proves it.

We have to know ourselves,

to see how boys see us.

Can you handle that?

Okay, so it's time for the

Physical Attractiveness Test.

Finished.

You lot are so sweet.

I got mostly eights for everything.

- So did I.

- Me, too.

Hey, who gave me a four for my nose?

And look. Someone else

gave my mouth a six and one third.

What's wrong with my mouth?

God, I'm having a nervy B.

We've only gone over the plan

a gazillion times.

You don't need to have a breakdown.

Just stick to your lines and we'll be fine.

Okay. How's my hair?

Very Keira Knightley.

Just get in there, you minger.

Remember, lower your voice

so you sound sexier.

Okay.

- Hi there, how are you?

- Oh, fine, thanks.

- Can I get some onions please?

- Onions. Red ones?

- Yeah.

- How many?

Just a pound, please.

- A pound.

- Yeah.

- These are nice ones, these are.

- Great.

What are you doing?

Jas? Hey, Jas. Quelle surprise.

What a shock to see you here.

I want this brother.

That's fine.

Just stop playing with your hair.

How nice to see you, Georgia. I was just

picking up some onions for my mum.

Well, you know your onions,

don't you, Jas?

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