And Now for Something Completely Different Page #3

---

- Yeah. Snap. Grin. Wink. Nudge.

- Holiday stamps?

- Could be taken on holiday. Could be.

Swimming costumes.

Nudge, nudge.

- Candid photography.

- No. I'm afraid we don't have a camera.

Oh. Still.

Look, are you trying

to insinuate something?

- Yes.

- Well?

Well, I mean,

you're a man of the world, aren't ya?

I mean, you know, you've, uh...

you've been around. You've been there.

- What do you mean?

- Well, you know, you've...

You've done it, uh, with a lady.

- You've slept with a lady.

- Yes.

What's it like?

Well, I think it's overrated.

Shut up, you!

- Good evening, class!

- Good evening.

- Where's all the others, then?

- They're not here.

I can see that!

What's the matter with'em?

- Don't know.

- Perhaps they've got flu.

Flu! They should eat

more fresh fruit!

Right! Now, self-defense!

Tonight I shall be carryin' on

from where we got to last week...

when I was showin' you how to

defend yourselves against anyone...

who attacks you armed

with a piece of fresh fruit.

- You said we wouldn't do fruit again.

- What do you mean?

We've done fresh fruit

for the last nine weeks.

What's wrong with fruit?

You think you know it all, eh?

Can't we try something else?

Like someone who attacks you

with a pointed stick.

Pointed stick?

We want to learn how to defend ourselves

against pointed sticks, do we?

Gettin' all

high and mighty, eh?

Fresh fruit not

good enough for you, eh?

Well, let me tell you

somethin', my lad!

When you're walkin' home tonight

and some great homicidal maniac...

comes after you with a bunch of

loganberries, don't come cryin' to me!

Right!

And now the passion fruit.

When your assailant lunges at you

with a passion fruit, like thus--

- We done the passion fruit.

- What?

- We've done the passion fruit.

- We done oranges, apples, grapefruits...

- Whole and segments.

- Greengages, pomegranates.

- Grapes, passion fruit.

- Lemons.

- Plums.

- And mangoes in syrup.

- How about cherries?

- We done them.

- Red and black?

- Yes.

All right, then.

Bananas. We haven't

done bananas, have we?

- No.

- Right!

How to defend yourself

against a man armed with a banana!

Catch. Now, it's quite simple

to deal with a banana fiend.

First of all, you force him

to drop the banana.

Then you eat the banana,

thus disarming him.

You have now

rendered him helpless!

- Suppose he's got a bunch.

- Shut up.

- Suppose he's got a pointed stick.

- Shut up!

Right! Now you, Mr. Apricot.

- Harrison.

- Sorry. Mr. Harrison.

Come at me with that banana.

Be as vicious as you Iike with it.

Come on. Attack me!

No, no, no!

Put something into it, for God's...

Hold the banana like that.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes