A Million Ways to Die in the West Page #3

diseases, major and minor

injuries, Indians, the weather.

You can get killed just

going to the bathroom.

I take my life in my hands every

time I walk out to my outhouse.

There's f***ing rattlesnakes

all in the grass out there.

And even if I make it, you

know what can kill me?

Cholera. You know cholera?

- The Black Sh*t.

- The Black Sh*t.

The latest offering in the frontier's

disease-of-the-month club.

And even if you survive

all those things,

you know what else can kill you?

The f***ing doctor.

The doctor can kill you.

I had a cold a couple of

years ago. I went in there.

You know what he

said to me? He goes,

"Oh, you need an ear nail."

A nail in my f***ing ear.

That is modern medicine for you.

"Yeah, Doc, I have a fever of 102."

"Oh, you need a donkey kickin'."

You know our pastor has

shot two people? Our pastor.

- No, no.

- No.

Honest to God. Shot a guy in a duel

and then went back and

killed the guy's teenage son

because he was afraid he would

kill him out of revenge.

Wait, how do you know that?

Because he did a whole

f***ing sermon about it!

A lesson about seeing

things through.

By the way, look at this.

See those guys over there?

The guys who work in the silver

mines? See what they're eating?

Ribs doused in hot sauce.

They eat hot spicy foods

every meal of the day.

Do you know why?

Because their palates are so

completely f***ing dulled

from inhaling poisoned gas, 12

hours a day, down in the mines.

That's all they can taste.

You know what that kind of

diet does to your guts?

Constipation, cramps,

dyspepsia, liver disease,

kidney disease, hemorrhoids,

bowel inflammation.

They literally die

from their own farts.

(FARTS)

And, oh, oh, you want

to see more death?

All we got to do is get up

and walk out the front door.

That is our mayor.

He is dead.

He has been lying there,

dead, for three days.

No one has done a thing.

Not moved him, not

looked into his death,

not even replaced him with

a temporary appointee.

For the last three days, the

highest-ranking official in our town

has been a dead guy.

Oh! Look at that! Look at that!

Wolves are dragging the body

away as if to illustrate my point!

Bye! Bye, Mr. Mayor!

Bye! Have fun becoming wolf sh*t!

Bye!

God!

That, my friends, is

the American West.

A disgusting, awful, dirty cesspool

of despair, and f*** all of it.

Why don't you shut up?

You shut up!

Mmm, mmm...

Ow! Ruth. Jesus Christ.

- Stop it.

- Okay, fine.

At least have Dr. Harper

take a look at it tomorrow.

(LAUGHING SARCASTICALLY)

If you could hear

yourself right now.

You know what's gonna happen

if I go to Dr. Harper

and I say, "Take a look at that"?

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