Dumb and Dumber Page #5

LLOYD:

Blew it? For your information, we

only missed three days in two months.

HARRY:

Yeah, and that was because of a

blizzard

GRABNER:

(exploding)

YOU WERE SNOW PLOW OPERATORS!

Grabner falls back in his chair, exhausted.

HARRY:

Come on, Stan. I'm sure you can find

something else for us. How about

another crack at that Suicide

Hotline?

Grabner jumps up.

GRABNER:

OUT!!!!!

CUT TO:

INT. HARRY & LLOYD'S APARTMENT - AFTERNOON

J.P. Shay is looking through Harry and Lloyd's kitchen cupboards as Joe Mental comes out of the

bedroom.

MENTAL:

The briefcase ain't here. He must've

taken it with him.

J.P. SHAY

Sh*t.

(beat)

Well he's gotta come home sometime.

Joe Mental ominously approaches Petey the parakeet's cage.

MENTAL:

Maybe we should leave him a little

message to let 'em know we're playing

hardball.

Mental opens the cage door and wraps his meaty fist around the bird, who SCREECHES IN

TERROR.

MENTAL (CONT.)

(a la Tweety Bird)

I taut I taw a puddy cat.

Mental smiles, and as we PAN to J.P. Shay, we hear a bone-chilling O.S. SNAP and Petey the bird

stops SQUAWKING.

MENTAL (CONT.)

(still Tweety)

I did, I did�

DISSOLVE TO:

The Mutt Cuts van pulls up to the curb. A depressed Lloyd and Harry climb out and mope up to

their apartment building entrance.

LLOYD:

Give me what's left of our dough.

I'll go to the corner and buy a few

necessities.

Harry hands his friend some crumpled bills.

LLOYD (CONT.)

What's cheaper, Thunderbird or Night

Train?

HARRY:

Get Robitussin � it's a better buzz.

CUT TO:

EXT. CORNER GROCERY STORE - NIGHT

Lloyd comes out of the store with his arms full of groceries. He stops at a newspaper machine,

pulls out his WALLET and removes a quarter.

He drops the quarter in the machine, opens it, and realizes that he DOESN'T HAVE A FREE

HAND to pick up the newspaper. He puts his wallet inside the machine, picks up the newspaper,

and as he does so THE MACHINE SLAMS SHUT WITH HIS WALLET STILL INSIDE.

Lloyd SIGHS, puts his grocery bags on the machine, and checks his pockets. NO MORE

CHANGE. Just then, an ELDERLY WOMAN struggles by using a WALKER.

LLOYD:

Excuse me, little old lady, do you

have change for a dollar?

ELDERLY WOMAN:

Change? No, I'm sorry, I don't�

LLOYD:

Well could you do me a favor and

guard this while I go break a dollar?

My wallet's locked in this machine.

ELDERLY LADY:

Of course, young man�

Lloyd runs back into the store. We HOLD ON THE STORE DOOR as Lloyd EXITS a few

seconds later with a handful of quarters. Suddenly he stops in his tracks. The ELDERLY LADY,

HER WALKER, AND HIS GROCERIES ARE GONE. As he takes a closer look, he sees that

SHE HAS TAKEN HIS WALLET ALSO.

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