Withnail & I

Synopsis: London, 1969 - two 'resting' (unemployed and unemployable) actors, Withnail and Marwood, fed up with damp, cold, piles of washing-up, mad drug dealers and psychotic Irishmen, decide to leave their squalid Camden flat for an idyllic holiday in the countryside, courtesy of Withnail's uncle Monty's country cottage. But when they get there, it rains non-stop, there's no food, and their basic survival skills turn out to be somewhat limited. Matters are not helped by the arrival of Uncle Monty, who shows an uncomfortably keen interest in Marwood...
Genre: Comedy, Drama
Director(s): Bruce Robinson
Production: Cineplex-Odeon Films
  1 win & 1 nomination.
 
IMDB:
7.8
Rotten Tomatoes:
94%
R
Year:
1987
107 min
505 Views

I'm going for a cup of tea.

Do you want one?

- Do you want a cup of tea, Withnail?

- No.

Thirteen million

Londoners have to wake up to this.

The murder and all-bran

and rape?

And I'm sitting in this bloody shack,

and I can't cope with Withnail.

I must be out of my mind.

I must go home at once and

discuss his problems in depth.

I have some extremely

distressing news.

I don't want to hear it.

I don't want to hear anything.

My God, it's a nightmare,

let me tell you. It's a nightmare.

We've just run out of wine.

What are we gonna do about it?

I don't know.

I don't know.

Oh, God!

I don't feel good.

My thumbs have gone weird!

I'm in the middle

of a bloody overdose.

Oh, God!

My heart's beating

like a f*cked clock!

I feel dreadful.

I feel really dreadful.

So do I.

So does everybody.

Look at my tongue.

Gray yellow sock.

Sit down, for Christ's sake.

What's the matter with you?

Eat some sugar.

Listen to this.

"Curse of the supermen.

"'I took drugs to win medal,'

says top athleteJeff Wode.

- Where's the coffee?

- "In a world exclusive interview,

"33-year-old shot putterJeff Wode,

who weighs 317 pounds,

"admitted taking massive doses

of anabolic steroids,

"drugs banned in sport.

"'He used to get in bad tempers,'

says his wife.

"'He used to pick on me.

But now he's stopped,

he's much better in our sex

life and in our general life. "'

Jesus Christ!

This huge, thatched head...

with its earlobes and cannonball

is not considered sane.

"Jeff Wode is feeling better...

and is now prepared to step back into

society and start tossing his orb about. "

Look at him!

Look atJeff Wode!

His head must weigh

Imagine the size of his balls.

Imagine getting into a fight

with the f*cker.

Please, I don't feel good.

That's what you'd say.

But that wouldn't wash with Jeff.

No. He'd like a bit of pleading.

Adds spice to it.

In fact, he'd probably tell you

what he was gonna do before he did it.

"I'm gonna pull your head off. "

"No, please don't pull my head off. "

"I'm gonna pull your head off

because I don't like your head. "

Have you got soup?

Why didn't I get any soup?

Coffee.

Why don't you use a cup

like any other human being?

Why don't you wash up occasionally

like any other human being?

How dare you!

How dare you!

How dare you

call me inhumane!

I didn't call you inhumane.

You merely imagined it. Calm down.

Right, you f*cker.

I'm gonna do the washing up.

No, no, you can't.

It's impossible, I swear.

I've looked into it.

Listen to me! Listen to me!

There are things in there.

There's a tea bag growing.

You haven't slept in 60 hours.

You're in no state to tackle it.

Wait till the morning.

We'll go in together.

This is the morning!

Stand aside!

You don't understand! I think

there may be something living in there.

I think there may be

something alive.

- What do you mean? A rat?

- It's possible.

Then the f*cker

will rue the day.

Oh, Christ Almighty!

A sinew in nicotine base.

Keep back, keep back.

The entire sink's gone rotten.

I don't know what's in here.

I told you, you've been bitten!

Burnt! Burnt!

The f*cking kettle's on fire!

- There's something floating up.

- Fork it!

- L-I-I don't...

- You must! You must!

The poop will boil through the glaze. We'll

never be able to use our dinner service again.

Here. Get it with the pliers.

No, no. No, no.

Give me the gloves.

That's right.

Put on the gloves.

Don't attempt anything

without the gloves.

- Ugh.

- What is it? What have you found?

Matter.

Matter?

Where's it coming from?

Don't look.

I'm dealing with it.

Rate this script:(5.00 / 3 votes)

Bruce Robinson

Bruce Robinson (born 2 May 1946) is an English director, screenwriter, novelist and actor. He is arguably most famous for writing and directing the cult classic Withnail and I (1987), a film with comic and tragic elements set in London in the 1960s, which drew on his experiences as "a chronic alcoholic and resting actor, living in squalor" in Camden Town. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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"Withnail & I" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2019. Web. 14 Nov. 2019. <https://www.scripts.com/script/withnail_%252526_i_23577>.

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