Wishin' and Hopin' Page #4

doesn't she look great?

She practically looks

ten years younger.

I mean, check out her new skort.

Her what?

Her skort.

It's real modern.

The girls thought

I needed a makeover

To chaperone you on

your ranger Andy trip.

Why do your legs look

like blue cheese?

I told you it was too short.

No, it isn't.

Okay, Felix is just

being a little jerk.

Yeah, as usual.

I'm the one who almost got

killed today.

What are you talking about,

Felix?

Boiled in oil.

Cool it, Dondi.

It was a little accident.

A little accident?

Felix, what happened?

I fried my tie.

Stop.

You're fine.

The guilt of defiling

my cousin's poster

Had eaten away at me all week,

So that by the time Friday

confession came around,

I was ready to crack.

Fifth grade class may now pass

for confession.

Allez.

Line up!

Tuck in your shirt

and zip up your fly.

Detention after school.

Rosalie.

Geraldine, your sweater.

You look like a basset hound.

Ow.

Hey, no cuts, no butts,

no coconuts.

Sorry, I just really have

to get up there.

Well, wait till NAACP hears

about this.

Marion was always

making that joke.

He's a boy,

in case you couldn't tell,

Even though Marion's

a girl's name,

Which is worse than having

everyone call you Dondi,

If you ask me.

Felix Funicello,

Left box.

Confession was,

as my pop would always say,

"A crapshoot."

Get the lead out.

You'd never knew which

priest you'd end up getting,

Which seemed like

an accurate comparison

Since my luck was always crappy.

Monsignor Muldoon,

He was roughly 500 years old

And made up of equal parts

Phineas T. Bluster,

Crabby Appleton,

and Mr. Magoo.

He always smelled

like butter rum candy,

Which, if you listened

to Simone,

Was to cover up a few too many

sips of the communion wine.

Bless me, father,

for I have sinned.

It has been two weeks

since my last confession.

Speak up, boy,

you're mumbling.

Well, of course I was.

I didn't want

any of my classmates

To hear what I had to say.

It has been two weeks

since my last confession.

These are my sins:

I copied a friend's homework

on the bus,

I called my sister a bad word

two times,

And I cursed

on six separate occasions,

But not the really bad ones,

Just a couple "H"S, "D"S,

and "S"S.

And finally,

I had impure thoughts.

About what?

You know...

no, I don't know

unless you tell me.

About my cousin Annette.

She's famous.

Did you act on these thoughts?

I'm not sure.

Well, you either did,

or you didn't.

I kissed her poster

on the lips,

The one of her on the beach in

her bathing suit listening to...

Incest is a mortal sin.

You made Jesus

very, very, very sad.

Perhaps he even wept,

As he did on the day

of his crucifixion.

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