Whitney Cummings: I'm Your Girlfriend Page #4

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You get very distracted by that, right?

When I look at Nicki Minaj's ass,

I think awful, terrible, shameful things.

I'll be like, "Yeah, I bet if I hit

that from behind that sh*t would pop."

I'm like, "Oh, my God!"

So, I can't even imagine what

you guys are thinking, you know?

And here's the thing, I'm a comedian.

I want you guys to

listen to what I'm saying,

I want you to think I'm

funny, I want you to focus.

So, I'm not gonna do stand-up like this...

(laughter)

(cheering)

This is not the most effective

way to do stand-up, right?

I'm not gonna be like, "Hey, guys, did

you see that election coverage last night?

"Yeah!" No.

You can't focus because

if I'm standing like this,

you're either looking at my ass,

which you're not,

which is very insulting.

Is that your girlfriend?

Right there?

Yes?

She... He goes,

"Clearly."

Why, because you're not

allowed to look at an ass

that's two feet in front of your face?

I like her. She runs a

tight ship. I respect that.

He did not even look.

So regardless, you're

either looking at my ass,

or worrying about my knees, one of the two.

So, that's not the best position,

and I think that that's just

a hypocritical way to operate

because guys can't have

their d*cks out, you know?

Like, male rappers can't

rap with their d*cks out.

If I saw a male rapper with his dick

out, I wouldn't be respecting him either,

or listening to what he was saying.

If I saw a male rapper with his dick

out, I would be calling the police,

which is such a testament

to the nature of man.

That when a woman is naked, you're

like, "Look at that beautiful woman,"

and when a man is naked,

you're like, "There was a crime.

Something horrible

happened over there, guys."

It's an interesting time. We're

living in a fascinating time.

We're living in a time

where women have money, okay?

Which is... Do you realize

how new that is, right?

That's like 30 years old, or something,

and there's no blueprint

for how to operate,

and I think it's really

messing up the power dynamic.

Like, the fact that I can pay my own

bills, that's such a big deal for me.

I thought that making money

was gonna solve all my problems,

especially my relationship problems.

'Cause when I was in my 20s, I

had to date guys that had money

'cause I didn't have any.

But now that I make my own money,

I felt like it opened up this

whole new pool of broke guys

that I couldn't date before,

so I've been doing that.

They're much nicer.

And the last guy I dated,

I paid for everything.

I paid for trips, I paid for dinners,

and now that I've sort of been

the man in the relationship,

now that I've been in your shoes,

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