Tim and Eric's Billion Dollar Movie

Synopsis: Two guys get a billion dollars to make a movie, only to watch their dream run off course. In order to make the money back, they then attempt to revitalize a failing shopping mall.
Genre: Comedy
Production: Magnolia Pictures
  1 nomination.
Rotten Tomatoes:
93 min



Oh, good morning.

Hi. Hi. Hi.

I'm Chef Goldblum.

And right now

I'll bet you're probably

just getting comfortable

in your own

Schlaaang Super Seat.

But maybe you're

asking yourself,

"What the heck is this

Schlaaang Super Seat exactly?"

Here's how the Schlaaang

Super Seat works!

First, several needles

are connected to

a vein in your arm.

Chemicals are then introduced

to synchronize your emotions

with the movie.

Next, air tubes are inserted

into the nasal cavity

to guide you into

a natural breathing pattern.

Exotic odors are released

to match the excitement

of the movie.

Finally, your legs are moved

out of your line of sight

and into our patented

Schlaaang stirrups,

to give you a viewing experience

you'll never forget.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

I gotta tell you.

My favorite thing about this

whole Schlaaang Super Seat

is the automatic popcorn

machine in the armrest.

Of course, be careful.

I-- you know, I actually did this.

That hot butter

is gonna come spurting out.

Don't get it on your hand.

It's gonna burn.

And remember,

if you're not sitting

in a Schlaaang Super Seat...

you're just not

sitting down.

The Schlaaang Super Seat.

The ultimate film-watching

seating experience!

Close your left eye.

Now rapidly open and close

your left eye like this.

Wow! This is easy.

Now close your right eye.

Now rapidly open and close

your right eye like this.

Thank you.

It is advised to remove your

dentures or false teeth

before the movie begins.

I've been walking down

these streets for years.

Bonjour, Diamond Jim.


Diamond Jim,

good to see you.


They all know my name.

But I can't say

that I know theirs.


- What can I say?

- sweet Paris.


The smell of baguettes, flowers,

fresh meat in the air.



This is a town full of beautiful people

all around you.


Oui, oui. Magnifique.

I'm Diamond Jim.

This is my home.

My people.

But there's only one

that has my attention.

What can I get you,

Diamond Jim?

What do I have to do

to get you to finally go out with me?


a girl cannot

say no to diamonds.

Well, why didn't

you say so?

Oh, my God,

it is so beautiful.

Now kiss me.

What the f*** was that?

- That's it.

- That's our movie.

- Should we?

- Let's go make a speech.


One more second.

This is the story of Tim and Eric.

They were given

$1 billion

to make their first

feature film

Tommy Schlaaang.

I paid a billion dollars

for that piece of sh*t?

But Tim and Eric did not

spend their money wisely.

Despite the record-setting


they were only able

to edit together

three minutes

of useable footage.

They had expensive

personal make-overs.

These two guys don't get

into premiere parties.

These guys get in the front of

the line at premiere parties.

And they accidentally cast

a Johnny Depp impersonator

instead of the genuine

Johnny Depp.

- You said it was Johnny Depp.

- It smelled like Johnny Depp.

Everyone said this is Johnny Depp

on the set. It was a big day.

No, it wasn't Johnny Depp.

I know my Johnny Depp.

Other expenses included

helicopter rides to work,

10-course lunches,

and real diamonds

for the Diamond Jim suit.

The diamonds are forever,

though, and we can't return them, so...

Those diamonds

aren't going back.

They hired a personal shopper

and spiritual guru

named Jim Joe Kelly,

who they paid an astonishing

$500,000 a week.

I'm not even walking on a set

without Jim Joe.

If you think I'm gonna

get involved in something

without him being a part of this,

Rate this script:(0.00 / 0 votes)

Tim Heidecker

Timothy Richard Heidecker (; born February 3, 1976) is an American comedian, writer, director, actor, and musician. He is best known as one half of the comedy duo Tim & Eric, along with Eric Wareheim. They are noted for creating the television shows Tom Goes to the Mayor, Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!, and Tim & Eric's Bedtime Stories. Heidecker has also acted in several films, including Ant-Man and the Wasp (2018), Bridesmaids (2011), Tim and Eric's Billion Dollar Movie, and The Comedy (both 2012); he received critical acclaim for the latter. He currently co-hosts the parodic film review web series On Cinema and stars in the comedy series Decker, both alongside Gregg Turkington. more…

All Tim Heidecker scripts | Tim Heidecker Scripts

FAVORITE (0 fans)

Submitted on August 05, 2018

Discuss this script with the community:



    Translate and read this script in other languages:

    Select another language:

    • - Select -
    • 简体中文 (Chinese - Simplified)
    • 繁體中文 (Chinese - Traditional)
    • Español (Spanish)
    • Esperanto (Esperanto)
    • 日本語 (Japanese)
    • Português (Portuguese)
    • Deutsch (German)
    • العربية (Arabic)
    • Français (French)
    • Русский (Russian)
    • ಕನ್ನಡ (Kannada)
    • 한국어 (Korean)
    • עברית (Hebrew)
    • Gaeilge (Irish)
    • Українська (Ukrainian)
    • اردو (Urdu)
    • Magyar (Hungarian)
    • मानक हिन्दी (Hindi)
    • Indonesia (Indonesian)
    • Italiano (Italian)
    • தமிழ் (Tamil)
    • Türkçe (Turkish)
    • తెలుగు (Telugu)
    • ภาษาไทย (Thai)
    • Tiếng Việt (Vietnamese)
    • Čeština (Czech)
    • Polski (Polish)
    • Bahasa Indonesia (Indonesian)
    • Românește (Romanian)
    • Nederlands (Dutch)
    • Ελληνικά (Greek)
    • Latinum (Latin)
    • Svenska (Swedish)
    • Dansk (Danish)
    • Suomi (Finnish)
    • فارسی (Persian)
    • ייִדיש (Yiddish)
    • հայերեն (Armenian)
    • Norsk (Norwegian)
    • English (English)


    Use the citation below to add this screenplay to your bibliography:


    "Tim and Eric's Billion Dollar Movie" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2021. Web. 13 May 2021. <https://www.scripts.com/script/tim_and_eric's_billion_dollar_movie_21916>.

    We need you!

    Help us build the largest writers community and scripts collection on the web!

    Watch the movie trailer

    Tim and Eric's Billion Dollar Movie

    The Marketplace:

    Sell your Script !

    Get listed in the most prominent screenplays collection on the web!

    Browse Scripts.com

    The Studio:

    ScreenWriting Tool

    Write your screenplay and focus on the story with many helpful features.