Things to Do in Denver When You're Dead

Synopsis: Jimmy the Saint's business is videotaping the terminally-ill, so that they will be around to give 'Afterlife Advice' to their survivors. He hasn't been doing too well lately and has had to turn to loan-sharks to accomodate his failing business, as well as his expensive personal tastes. When an evil gangster-overlord buys up his note and demands a favor of Jimmy, in exchange for the interest that he can't afford, Jimmy capitulates. Jimmy is to scare someone for the gangster-overlord--really rough them up. Without giving too much away (spoiler), the scene goes down badly and Jimmy and his crew all end up with contracts on their heads for their trouble.
Genre: Crime, Drama
Director(s): Gary Fleder
Production: Miramax
  2 wins.
 
IMDB:
6.8
Metacritic:
46
Rotten Tomatoes:
33%
R
Year:
1995
115 min
Website
1,822 Views


Cinderella, dressed in yella,

went upstairs|to kiss her fella,

made a mistake|and kissed a snake.

How many doctors|did it take?

- One, two, three, four,|- Come on, pass the ball.

five, six, seven, eight.

Angie, go to your spot.

Higher!

Let's get the rhythm|of the stomp, stomp, stomp.

Cinderella, dressed in yella,

went upstairs|to kiss her fella,

made a mistake|and kissed a snake.

How many doctors|did it take?

One, two, three, four,

five... six...

seven... eight...

nine... ten...

11... 12...

13... 14... 15...

16... 17.

- Okay, come on.|Cinderella, dressed in yella,

went upstairs to kiss her...

Hi.

What do you want,|doofus?

Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey!|What're you doin'?

Loser! Loser! Loser!|Loser! Lo...

# Edna Million|in a drop-dead suit #

# Dutch Pink|on a downtown train #

# Two-dollar pistol|but the gun won't shoot #

# I'm in the corner|in the pourin' rain #

# Sixteen men|on a dead man's chest #

# And I been drinkin'|from a broken cup #

# Two pairs of pants|and a mohair vest #

# I'm full of bourbon|I can't stand up #

# Hey, little bird|Fly away home #

# Your house is on fire|Children are gone #

- # Hey, little bird #|- No, in those days,

you wanted a piece of quim,|you knew where to go.

You left your wife at home.|You... You hit the spots.

You'd run with a big noise guy...|you know, a cake eater.

Before you could say beef bayonet,|you got a bangtail on your arm...

sweet as Dutch cheese.

Now you got your f***in' AIDS.

You got your raised|feminist consciousness,

whatever the f***|that means.

Then you got your movements... a movement|for this, a movement for that.

You got too many movements,|ya ask me.

The only good movement's|a f***in' bowel movement.

Hey!

Look who's here!|Jimmy the Saint!

- Hit and run, Malt.|- All right.

- What's the word, Jimmy?|- What's goin' on, Joe?

You heard about this thing,|that f***in' Bernard?

- No, what happened?|- I knew the kid was lunchy, but not this f***in' lunchy.

They picked him up at a schoolyard|fishin' for saplings.

- No sh*t.|- They oughta neuter that f***in' kid.

It's a brain thing, Joe,|with Bernard, not a balls thing.

Aw, give it a name. Come on. Anything|you can say is a problem with a man.

It's a balls thing.

- Hey.|- Boat drinks.

Boat drinks.

Jimmy the Saint from Flatbush.

Went to seminary school|but lost the calling.

But in his day,|the b*tch's bastard.

# Turn the corner, fool|is what she said #

# A hundred dollars|makes the talkin' said #

# Edna Million|in a drop-dead suit #

# Dutch Pink|on a downtown train #

# Two-dollar pistol|but the gun won't shoot #

# I'm in the corner|on the floor #

Because after you've gone,

your money|goes to somebody else,

another man comes along|and marries your wife.

Your kids fall in love with strangers.

But if you've been good,|if you've been decent,

how you are remembered|cannot be sullied,

cannot be changed.

Very... Very nice,|Mr. Jergen.

Um, Barry, could you...

- Um, some water.|- Sure.

- We're doin' great.|- There you go.

Why don't we take a little break,|and we'll continue later?

All right.

- Two-six-eight...|- Easy. Easy, now.

Good afternoon.

Julie, call and check|on that...

Here we have Mr. Jergen.|He's doing his taping.

Now, my associate Randall Cuffland,|who just went by,

he follows a very carefully composed list|of questions which he poses to Mr. Jergen...

and which Mr. Jergen's loved ones|will be able to access once he's gone.

You understand?

I'd like to introduce you|to somebody.

Here, this way.

This is Stevie.

Stevie's father passed away,|pancreatic cancer,

at a time in late adolescence|when Stevie needed him the most.

So now Stevie needs advice from|his father, he comes back to see us.

- Understand? Let me show you.|- Right.

Hey, what's goin' on,|Stevie?

Hey, Jimmy. How are ya?

Uh, girls.|I don't know.

This is, uh...

Hey, if you chase|a dog, it runs.

Treat 'em like sh*t. That's what I did|to your mother, and she fell for me.

Two months later,|we were married.

You treat 'em like dirt|and they come running.

- Thank you.|- Thanks.

Uh, your father suffers from...|What was it?

- Uh, diabetes.|- Ah, yes, diabetes.

- But his condition has taken a severe turn for the worst.|- Time is of the essence.

- Yes. Thanks.|- Thank you.

- Does he have any grandchildren yet?|- Uh, eight, all together.

Ah, I see. I'm sure they'll benefit|from a patriarch's advice...

maybe not now, maybe not tomorrow,|but someday soon.

- Good afternoon, Mr. Jergen.|- Yeah. Hi.

- Happy man.|- Thank you.

Take our brochure.

One for you. One for you. And please,|uh, give one to a friend.

- Thank you.|- On your way out, there's a ledger there.

- Please sign it. It's our mailing list.|- Thank you.

Thank you very much.

- Any luck?|- Nope.

He seemed into it, but she looked like|she was gonna launch lunch over Mr. Jergen.

- We'll get the next one, Jimmy.|- Right.

Uh...

- Happy hour at 6:00. I'll see you there.|- Okay.

# My baby's a superstar #

# She's in a class by herself #

# I said my, my baby's|a superstar #

# She's in a class by herself #

# You don't think if love|mean anything else better #

- # You got to have it Got to have it for himself #|- Hey.

Just picked it up|for the newspaper ad.

"Just because they're gone|doesn't mean they can't guide"?

- Who came up with that?|- I did.

- It's terrible.|- Why?

- It's clunky.|- Clunky?

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Scott Rosenberg

Scott Mitchell Rosenberg is an American film, television, and comic book producer. He is the chairman of Platinum Studios, an entertainment company that controls a library of comic-book characters and adapts them for film, television and other media. He is also the former founder and president of Malibu Comics, and is a former senior executive vice president for Marvel Comics. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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