The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

Synopsis: Arthur Dent (Martin Freeman) is trying to prevent his house from being bulldozed when his friend Ford Prefect (Mos Def) whisks him into outer space. It turns out Ford is an alien who has just saved Arthur from Earth's total annihilation. Ford introduces Arthur to his myriad friends, including many-headed President Zaphod Beeblebrox (Sam Rockwell) and sexy refugee Trillian (Zooey Deschanel). Arthur makes his way across the stars while seeking the meaning of life, or something close to it.
Original Story by: Karey Kirkpatrick & Douglas Adams
Year:
2005
246 Views


[Male narrator]

It's an important and popular fact

that things are not always

what they seem.

For instance, on the planet Earth,

man had always assumed

that he was the most intelligent

species occupying the planet,

instead of the third most intelligent.

The second most intelligent creatures

were dolphins, who, curiously enough,

had long known of the impending

destruction of the planet Earth.

They'd made many attempts

to alert mankind,

but most of their communications

were misinterpreted

as amusing attempts to punch footballs

or whistle for tidbits.

So they eventually decided they would

leave Earth by their own means.

The last ever dolphin message

was misinterpreted

as a sophisticated attempt

to do a backward somersault

through a hoop, whistling

The Star-Spangled Banner.

In fact, the message was this:

- [Bell rings]

- "So long and thanks for all the fish. "

[Up tempo drum intro to big band number]

[Male chorus] # So long

and thanks for all the fish

# So sad that it should come to this

# We tried to warn you all but, oh, dear

# You may not share our intellect

# Which might explain your disrespect

# For all the natural wonders

that grow around you

# So long, so long

and thanks... for all the fish

[female chorus]

# Your world's about to be destroyed

# There's no point

getting all annoyed

# Lie back and let the planet

dissolve around you

[male chorus]

# Despite those nets of tuna fleets

# We thought that

most of you were sweet

# Especially tiny tots

and your pregnant women

# So long, so long,

so long, so long, so long

[female chorus] # So long, so long

[whole chorus] # So long,

so long and thanks for all the fish

[girl solo]

# If I had just one last wish

# I would like a tasty fish

[woman solo]

# If we could just change one thing

# We would all have learnt to sing

[full chorus]

# Come one and all

# Man and mammal

# Side by side

# In life's great gene pool!

[Male chorus]

# So long, so long, so long

[female chorus] # So long, so long

[whole chorus] # So long, so long

and thanks for all the fish! #

[*** crows]

[Male narrator] The extraordinary story

of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

begins very simply.

It begins with a man.

Ooh!

An Earthman, to be precise.

Who no more knows his destiny,

than a tea leaf knows the history

of the East India Company.

[Buzz]

His name is Arthur Dent.

He is a five-foot-eight-inch-tall

ape descendant

and someone is trying to drive

a bypass through his house.

What do I want you to do about it?

Find him

and tell him I'm currently lying

flat on my back in front of...

Fine, I'll hold.

You can't lie in front

of the bulldozers for ever.

I'm game. We'll see who rusts first.

This bypass has got to be built

and it is going to be built.

- Why has it got to be built?

- It's a bypass.

You've got to build bypasses. Besides,

you should've protested months ago.

The plans have been on display

at the planning office for a year.

On display?

I had to go down to a cellar.

Mr. Dent, have you any idea how much

damage this bulldozer would suffer

if I just let it roll straight over you?

- How much?

- None at all.

[Narrator] By a strange coincidence,

none at all

is exactly how much suspicion

ape-descendant Arthur had

that one of his closest friends

was not descended from an ape,

but was, in fact, from a small planet

somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse.

Arthur! Arthur!

- [Arthur] Ford!

- Yes?

Here.

Ah, there you are!

[Ford] Eat, drink. We gotta talk.

Now's not the best time.

They're going to demolish my home.

Whoa! You already...

You already know? How?

What do you m...?

Oh, they, they? When you say

"they" you mean they? Got it.

Listen. I got somethin' important

I gotta tell you. Right now.

Well, what about my house?

[Ford] Workers of the Earth, I bring

good tidings of peanuts and beer!

[Workers' excited chatter]

- Good. Let's go to the pub.

- Huh?

They won't demolish it

until they've finished the beers.

- Can we trust 'em?

- To the end of the Earth.

- How far's that?

- About 12 minutes away.

Huh?

Barman, six pints of bitter and quickly.

The world's about to end.

Barman, six pints of bitter and quickly.

The world's about to end.

Six pints coming up.

[Ford] Keep the change.

You got about ten minutes to spend it.

Three pints each? At lunchtime?

[Loud gulping]

Sorry. Ah. Time is an illusion.

Lunchtime, doubly so.

And eat those peanuts,

because you'll need the salt.

- Look, what is going on, Ford?

- Arthur...

What if I told you

I really wasn't from Guildford?

I was from a small planet

somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse?

Is that something

you're likely to say?

Remember when we met?

- [Ford mimics car]

- [Car horn]

[Arthur] Out the way!

- [Arthur] Oof!

- Hi.

Wasn't it strange I was trying

to shake hands with a car?

I assumed you were drunk.

I thought cars were the dominant

life form. I was introducing myself.

You saved my life. And now

I'm saving yours. Please drink.

It must be Thursday. I could never get

the hang of Thursdays.

- If this is about your house...

- No, it's not about the house.

- [Arthur tuts]

- [phone beeps]

- [Ford] Who's he?

- [Arthur] She. She.

Tricia McMillan.

We met at a fancy-dress party.

[Arthur] I hate those kind of parties.

I'd rather have stayed at home

and ironed my hankies.

- But there I was.

- [Tricia] Who are you?

- [Arthur] Oh!

- And there she was.

- Uh, Dent. Arthur Dent.

- Oh, no. I mean, who are you?

Oh, the costume? Right.

"Livingstone, I presume!"

Yeah, it's not as clever as Darwin,

but the best I could do at short notice.

You're the first to get that right.

- [Arthur] Really?

- Yes. Everyone calls me Santa.

- Right.

- I thought the beagle was a giveaway.

So did I.

People at these parties

are drunken idiots.

- What?

- [Music stops]

[Arthur] All these people are idiots!

God!

[Tricia laughs]

That's awkward.

[Arthur] Tell me.

She was amazing though, Ford.

Beautiful, witty, mad as a balloon.

[Arthur] Uh, without the beard,

you look at least 80 years younger.

Maybe I'm de-evolving.

[Both laugh]

[Arthur] Well, I should tell you

that I do not date

single-celled organisms, okay?

Let's go somewhere.

Yeah. Definitely.

Um, where do you have in mind?

- Madagascar.

- Is that that new club on Dean Street?

No, it's a country

off the coast of Africa.

That Madagascar?

Why are we waiting here?

- Wait a sec.

- [Tricia laughs]

Go.

God, you're serious.

Um, I can't go to Madagascar.

- Why not?

- [Arthur] Because, I just, you know...

- You're serious?

- Yeah.

I want to go somewhere I've never been

and I'd like to go with you, so...

...what do you say, Dr Livingstone?

I say that's

an extraordinary proposition.

I can't go. I mean, I've got a job.

Quit. Get a new one

when you come back.

I don't even know your real name.

Ow! Ow!

- Tricia McMillan.

- Well, Tricia McMillan.

Um, I have a proposition for you.

Why don't we go somewhere

a little closer first, say Cornwall,

and we'll see how it goes.

Right, of course, Cornwall.

[Man] Hey, excuse me.

[Squeak]

Is this guy boring you?

Why don't you talk to me instead?

I'm from a different planet.

It's true. You want to see my spaceship?

[Tricia laughs]

"Do you want to see my spaceship?"

What kind of chat-up line is that?

Mm, that does happen.

- Speaking of...

- [electronic bleeps]

We've got two minutes.

Drink up.

- [Rumbling]

- That's my house.

People of Earth, a round of drinks,

for everyone, on me.

[Barman] You really think

the world's going to end?

Yes.

Shouldn't we lie down, or put a paper

bag over our heads, or something?

- If you like.

- Will it help?

Not at all. See you.

[Barman] Last orders!

[Workmen shouting]

[Pants]

[Engines whir]

- [Workman] What is that?

- [Workman #2] Run!

[Workman #3] Look out!

[Shouts and screams]

[Rumbling]

[Screeching]

Aha! Towel!

Arthur!

What the hell are those things?

[Ford] Yeow! They're ships

from a Vogon constructor fleet.

I picked up their signal this morning.

You'll need this.

[Whimpers]

- [Arthur] What are you doing?

- We're hitching a ride.

[Feedback]

Um, people of Earth,

this is Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz of the

Galactic Hyperspace Planning Council.

As you are probably aware,

plans for the development of the

outlying regions of the galaxy

involve the building of a hyperspace

express route through your star system.

And your planet is one of those

scheduled for demolition.

[Screaming]

[Screaming]

[Screaming]

[Sheep bleat]

There's no point

acting surprised about it.

The plans have been on display

at your local planning office

in Alpha Centauri for 50 Earth years.

[Screaming]

If you can't be bothered with

local affairs, that's your lookout.

Apathetic bloody planet.

I've no sympathy at all.

[Harsh alien speech]

[Electric discharge]

[Arthur screams]

[Arthur screams]

[Boom]

[Narrator/Guide]

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

is a wholly remarkable book.

Perhaps the most remarkable,

certainly the most successful,

ever to come out of the great publishing

corporations of Ursa Minor.

More popular than

The Celestial Homecare Omnibus,

better selling than

53 More Things to Do in Zero Gravity,

and more controversial than

Oolon Colluphid's trilogy

of philosophical blockbusters,

Where God Went Wrong,

Some More of God's Greatest Mistakes,

and Who Is This God Person Anyway?

It's already supplanted

the Encyclopedia Galactica

as the standard repository

of all knowledge and wisdom

for two important reasons.

First, it's slightly cheaper,

and second, it has the words

"Don't Panic"

printed in large,

friendly letters on its cover.

So you're not from Guildford?

Which would explain the accent,

which I've always wondered about.

Um, you're not an out-of-work actor,

but rather a writer for this,

this book thing.

- [electronic buzzing]

- [Ford] Good, huh?

I don't feel well.

I need a cup of tea.

If I asked where we were,

would I regret it?

- [Ford] We're safe for now.

- [Arthur] Good.

We're in the washroom on one of the

ships of the Vogon constructor fleet.

- Oh, get me home, Ford.

- Arthur, your home is...

Oh, God, my home.

My home was demolished.

[Hollow clang]

You don't remember.

Okay, Arthur, I've got something to tell

you. It's unfortunate, but it's true.

Your home planet has been blown up.

- Huh, blown up.

- [Ford grunts]

[Grunts]

Couldn't you have done something?

I saved your life.

Okay, that makes us even.

It's a tough galaxy. If you want

to survive out here, you've...

...gotta know where your towel is.

Okay, give me a hand over here.

Careful. It's hot.

We've gotta get off this ship.

Before the Vogons find us.

Vogons, they hate hitchhikers. Pull.

- [Arthur] Huh?

- [Steam hisses]

[Ford laughs]

- Now we'll get a signal.

- What is a Vogon?

Ask the Guide. Say "Vogons".

- [electronic chimes]

- Vogons.

[Guide] Vogons are one of the

most unpleasant races in the galaxy.

Not evil, but bad-tempered,

bureaucratic, officious and callous.

They wouldn't even lift a finger

to save their own grandmothers

from the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast

of Traal without orders

signed in triplicate,

sent in, sent back,

queried, lost, found,

subjected to public inquiry,

lost again and finally buried

in soft peat for three months

and recycled as firelighters.

On no account should you allow

a Vogon to read poetry to you.

[Klaxon]

[Ford] They can't think or imagine.

Most can't spell. They just run things.

Hmm?

[Grunts]

And if we don't get a ride soon,

we won't need the Guide to tell us

how unpleasant the Vogons are.

They've already destroyed

a planet today.

That always makes them a little eee!

[Loudspeaker:
Unintelligible shouting]

Ughh! What is that?

- Put this in your ear.

- Huh?

[Arthur gibbers]

[Vogon] We have unwittingly

picked up a couple of hitchhikers.

The fish is translating for you.

[Guide] The Babel fish

is small, yellow, leech-like,

and probably the oddest thing

in the universe.

It feeds on brainwave energy,

absorbing unconscious frequencies,

and excreting a matrix

of conscious frequencies

to the speech centers of the brain.

The practical upshot of which is that,

if you stick one in your ear,

you instantly understand

anything said to you in any language.

[Rumbling, crashing]

Resistance is useless.

- [Arthur] All right.

- [Vogon] Someone's coming.

[Vogon #2] Here we go. Look lively.

[Rumble and crash of doors]

[Vogon grunts]

[Vogons chatter]

[Crab] Wheee!

- [Vogon grunts]

- [Crab squeaks]

- [Squeak]

- [Vogon] Ha, ha!

[All shriek]

[Door clangs]

- [Vogon Jeltz] Hmmm.

- [Vogon minion] Sir.

- [Vogon Jeltz] What?

- [Vogon minion] Hitchhikers.

[Vogon Jeltz groans]

[Bell rings]

[Clang]

[Whoosh]

[Brakes grind]

[Feedback]

[Vogon Jeltz groans]

[Ford gibbers]

[Vogon Jeltz clears throat]

"O freddled gruntbuggly... "

No, really, you don't have to read.

We've put you through

enough trouble already.

"... as plerdled gabbleblotchits

on a lurgid bee. "

[Guide] Vogon poetry is widely accepted

as the third worst in the universe.

[Groans]

[Guide] The second worst

is that of the Azgoths of Kria.

During a recitation by their

Poet Master, Grunthos the Flatulent,

of his poem

Ode to a Small Lump of Green Putty

I Found in my Armpit

One Midsummer Morning,

four of his audience

died of internal hemorrhaging,

and the President of the

Mid-Galactic Arts Nobbling Council

survived by gnawing

one of his own legs off.

"Or I will rend thee

in the gobberwarts... "

- [Ford screams weakly]

- "... with my blurgle... "

[Guide] The absolute worst poetry was

by Paula Millstone Jennings of Sussex.

Luckily, it was destroyed

when the Earth was.

"See if I don't. " Yeah.

[Vogons chortle]

So, Earthlings,

I present you with a choice.

Either die in the vacuum of space,

or tell me what you thought of my poem.

[Vogons chuckle]

A... a... actually, I rather liked it.

- [Jeltz] Hmm?

- [Ford] Yeah.

- That's good. Run with it.

- Hmmm.

Uh, some of the words

I didn't understand,

but I found the imagery quite effective.

Continue.

Well, uh, yes,

interesting rhythmic devices,

which seemed to counterpoint

the underlying metaphor

of the humanity of...

- Vogonity!

- Vogonity, sorry, vogonity...

of the poet's soul.

[Vogons murmur]

So what you're saying is,

I write poetry because

underneath this mean,

callous, heartless exterior,

I just want to be loved?

[Whispers] Yes, yes, yes.

Yes, yes, yeah, please.

Ahh, ooh, ooh, mmm.

Throw them off the ship!

- [Ford] No! No!

- Ford. Ford!

Ahh!

All right! All right!

[Vogon guard] Resistance is useless!

Shut up! Get a job!

Wash your filthy hands!

Don't panic. Don't panic.

[Arthur] So this is it?

We're going to die?

Yeah, we're gonna die.

No, no, what's this?

What is this?

What's this? This is... nothing.

Yeah, we're gonna die.

[Arthur sighs]

[Hollow clang]

[Arthur sighs]

- [phone beeps]

- [Arthur grunts]

You're sweating.

[Arthur chuckles]

- [Ford] Would you like a hug?

- [Arthur] No.

[Klaxon]

[Noises stop]

[Guide] "Space," says the introduction

to The Hitchhiker's Guide,

"is big. Really big. "

"You just won't believe how vastly,

hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is. "

A... a... and so on.

It also says that

if you hold a lungful of air,

you can survive in the total vacuum

of space for about 30 seconds.

But with space being really big and all,

the chances of being picked up

within that time

are two to the power of two billion,

79 million, 460 thousand,

347 to one against.

By a staggering coincidence,

it's also the phone number

of the Islington flat,

where Arthur went to a fancy dress party

and met a very nice young woman

whom he totally blew it with.

[Boom]

Though the planet Earth,

the Islington flat and telephone

have all now been demolished, Ford

and Arthur were, in fact, rescued.

- [Arthur] Ford?

- [Ford] Yes.

- [Arthur] I think I'm a sofa.

- [Ford] I know how you feel.

[Both scream]

So much for the laws of physics.

[TV woman] And our top story.

The sensational theft of the most

coveted ship in the universe,

the starship Heart of Gold.

Stolen at the launch ceremony

by none other

than Galactic President

Zaphod Beeblebrox.

[Zaphod] In the name of people, freedom,

and, uh... democracy, stuff like that,

I hereby kidnap myself

and I'm taking the ship with me. Whoo!

- Come on!

- [crowd gasps]

[TV] Beeblebrox,

universally considered

to be the dimmest star

in several solar systems,

is most famous for his controversial

defeat of Humma Kavula

who claimed many thought they were

voting for the worst-dressed being

in the universe contest.

Great.

Kavula is best remembered

for his slanderous

"Don't Vote for Stupid!" campaign.

[Woman] Put your ego aside.

Something important has happened.

If there's anything more important than

my ego, I want it caught and shot now.

Come on, I love it.

[TV] Zaphod's just this guy, you know.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. What d'you...?

- I was just watching myself.

- We have a couple of hitchhikers.

Hitchhikers?

Why'd you pick up hitchhikers?

I didn't. The ship did.

[Zaphod] What? Wh... wh... Say what?

When we engaged the

Improbability Drive... The big button.

- [Zaphod] I know.

- They were picked up here.

In sector ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha. Wait.

That's where you picked me up.

- On Earth.

- That's impossible.

- No, just very improbable.

- Listen. I don't have time for this.

We've got the police of half the galaxy

after us. We've stopped for hitchhikers.

So ten out of ten for style, but...

...minus several million

for good thinking.

You're too gorgeous, baby, stop it.

You drive me crazy.

Don't. I'll send Marvin.

- Marvin.

- [Whirring]

[Marvin] You ought to know,

I'm feeling very depressed.

Well, we have something

that should take your mind off things.

[Marvin] It won't work.

I have an exceptionally large mind.

Yeah, we know. But we need you to go

down to the number two entry bay

and pick up our stowaways

and bring them up here.

[Marvin] Just that? I won't enjoy it.

Yeah, well, that's life.

[Marvin] Life?

Don't talk to me about life.

- [radio] Commander Kwaltz.

- [Kwaltz] Yes.

[Radio] We have located the spaceship

Heart of Gold and President Beeblebrox.

- Where?

- Sector ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha.

Requesting hyperspace clearance.

Hold your position, captain,

until clearance is granted.

- Yes, sir.

- Get me Vice-President Questular.

Hyperspace permission granted, captain.

[Vogon crewman] Here we go.

- [Engines roar]

- [Vogons scream]

[Whoosh of engines]

[Door sighs]

[Door sighs]

I think that door just sighed.

[Marvin] Ghastly, isn't it?

All the doors have been programmed

to have a cheerful

and sunny disposition.

Anyway, come on. I've been ordered

to take you up to the bridge.

Please yourselves.

Here I am,

brain the size of a planet,

and they ask me to take you

up to the bridge.

Call that job satisfaction?

'Cause I don't.

You can thank the Sirius Cybernetics

Corp. For building robots with G.P.P.

- [Arthur] What's G.P.P.?

- [Marvin] Genuine People Personalities.

I'm a personality prototype.

You can tell, can't you?

[Electronic bleeps]

- [bleeps]

- [Woman] Arthur?

[Zaphod] Hey, Slim, are you wearing

my underwear? 'Cause I'm wearing yours.

And they ain't doing the trick.

Come on. All right.

- [Door sighs]

- [Marvin] Oh, for heaven's sake.

I've brought the aliens.

Don't thank me or anything.

[Zaphod] Ah-ha! Ow!

- Freeze!

- [Ford squeals]

[Marvin] Freeze?

I'm a robot. Not a refrigerator.

- I wasn't talking to you, Giggles.

- [Marvin] Oh, why do I bother?

- Zaphod?

- Ford!

[Zaphod] Is that you?

Ford! Praxibetel Ix!

What the hell are you doing here?

I just stuck out my thumb and here I am.

- [Zaphod] That is so you.

- [Ford] Look at you!

President of the Galaxy.

I can't believe you beat Humma Kavula.

[Zaphod] You zarkin' frood.

I want you to meet a friend.

Arthur, this is Zaphod Beeblebrox.

Oh.

President of the Galaxy. This is my

cousin. He's a semi-half brother...

- We share three of the same mothers.

- We've met.

[Laughs] Have we? I'm sorry.

I've got a terrible memory for species.

This is him, Ford. The would-you-like-

to-see-my-spaceship bloke.

- Hmm.

- Yeah.

- Hello, Arthur.

- Tricia!

- How you doin'?

- Hey, Trillian.

This is my semi-half-brother Ix,

I'm sorry, Ford.

- Hi.

- Hi.

Um, would you excuse us

for a second, please?

You went down on that little planet

and didn't call me?

Sorry, I didn't know.

I had a galaxy to run.

[Arthur] Hi, Tricia McMillan, right?

I think he called you Trillian.

Which of us got the right one?

I shortened it.

Something a little more spacey.

Right. I was thinking

of changing mine to,

I don't know, Arthoolia.

[Laughs] That's a good one.

Well, this is weird.

- How'd you get here?

- I just stuck out my thumb.

- Right. In your pajamas?

- I was in a hurry.

Okay. Did you know I was here?

Don't flatter yourself.

I've got a spaceman too.

Yeah, that's kinda like

the Dingo Shuffle, yeah.

Okay, um, look.

I left you at the party. I feel bad, but

I was gonna call you when I got back.

Well, there is no

going back now, is there?

You do know what happened?

Enough small talk.

We're on the run, remember?

Excuse me, we're having a chat.

Well, I think the girl's getting...

Boo!

You blew it with her, Earthman, so shut

your face or I'll kick you in the zatch.

- You wanna fight?

- Okay.

- No. No.

- I'm just kidding.

I'm a kidder. Let's be friends.

Let's connect. You and I.

Didn't see that one coming, did you?

Popped right out of the box.

You foxy, yeah!

Teach your pal a lesson, Ford.

He's a guest on my ship.

[Sings] He's a guest on my ship!

I thought you said you stole it.

[Thud]

Stole what?

What are we talking about?

- [electronic klaxon]

- Whoa! That doesn't sound good.

[Whoosh]

- Are you okay?

- Just fabulous, thanks, "Trill".

A little help over here.

I'm in over my head.

I'll take care of this. Good Zarquon,

do I have to do everything?

[Laughing] Yes, I do!

Hey, this is really pretty.

- Don't!

- Whoo! They're on our tail.

Fire a gun. Launch a missile.

Do some damage!

[Engines roar]

Ow! Stop that! Ow!

Just kiddin'. I love it rough. Hit me.

- Uh, computer?

- [computer] Hi, there.

I'm Eddie, your computer.

I'm pleased to report that it's

a fleet of 100 Vogon battle destroyers.

They're sending you a message.

This is Vice-President Questular Rontok.

I am speaking to the kidnapper

of the President?

[Zaphod] She digs me.

Surrender the stolen vessel at once

or we will take action

as defined and permitted by...

section 1-8 of the Galactic Interstellar

Space Bylaws...

Zaphod, please come back now.

This is ridiculous.

Leap to hyperspace! Come on!

[Computer] Sure thing, fella!

[Engines fire up]

[Whoosh]

No.

Did they have proper

hyperspace authorization?

- No, commander.

- Oh.

Bring me the request

to pursue fugitive forms.

- [Messenger] I'm coming, sir.

- [Footsteps]

[Panting] I'm boiling!

Oh, oh. Here's the form, sir.

So are you along for the ride

or am I just dropping you somewhere?

That depends. Where are you going?

Where am I going?

- You okay?

- Yeah. Don't suppose there's any tea.

Yes, there is. Come on.

I'll show you the kitchen.

When you see what I'm about to show you,

you'll beg me to take you with us.

[Guide] The best drink in existence

is the Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster,

the effect of which is like having your

brains smashed out by a slice of lemon

wrapped round a large gold brick.

[Both scream]

- Belgium. Hold it one second.

- Belgium.

Ape-man, Earth dude, sorry,

what's your name again?

- [Coughs] Arthur.

- Right. Gorgeous.

No hard feelings, okay?

Sorry to hear about your planet...

- Earth.

- Yeah. I liked Earth.

Got these boots there.

But don't mention it to the girl.

Because if you do... I'll pull your

spleen out through your throat.

- All right. Thanks, buddy.

- Okay.

Good stuff. Like those jammies.

Hey, hey, Zaphod,

what's with the two-head thing?

Oh, yeah. Apparently, you can't be

president with a whole brain.

It's crazy.

- Oh, so you carved it up?

- Yes.

Parts of my personality weren't exactly

what you'd call presidential.

You know what I'm talkin' about.

[Drinks machine] Your tea is ready.

[Gags]

[Spits]

I suppose I should've said

it resembles tea. [laughs]

So, two heads

is what does it for a girl?

I mean, if I'd had two heads,

or three...

Or your own spaceship.

Anything else he's got two of?

Come on, Arthur, don't be like that.

What am I supposed to be like?

Green? Bleeping?

I can fold my eyelids

inside out if you like.

Okay, look. Do you see this?

This detects what you're craving

and makes it for you.

[Machine] Enjoy your doughnut.

- Do you see this?

- [buzzing]

This toasts bread

while you're slicing it.

We're on a spaceship, Arthur. In space.

- I told you I wanted to get away.

- To Madagascar.

That was... some sort of test.

And I failed.

- How badly does it hurt?

- It doesn't feel great.

No, I mean your chin.

- Ah...

- I might have an aspirin.

Right.

- [Mice squeak]

- Hey!

Tricia... Trillian, sorry.

There's something I have to tell you.

- Please, don't.

- [Zaphod] Showtime, Trill.

I'm going to set up.

Buttons aren't toys.

Buttons aren't toys.

Anyway... When I saw

what I'm about to show you,

that's when I realized

why I had to do what I did to my brain.

I think. It's all a little...

...shaky.

[Electronic whirring]

[Marvin] I've seen it. It's rubbish.

[Marvin] I've seen it. It's rubbish.

[Trumpet fanfare]

[Guide] Many millions of years ago,

a race of hyper intelligent,

pan-dimensional beings

got so fed up with the constant

bickering about the meaning of life,

that they commissioned

two of their brightest and best

to design and build

a stupendous super-computer

to calculate the answer to life,

the universe and everything.

O Deep Thought,

we want you to tell us the answer.

[Deep Thought] The answer to what?

[Girl #2] The answer to life,

the universe, everything.

[Girl #1] We'd really like an answer.

Something simple.

[Deep Thought]

Hmm, I'd have to think about that.

Return to this place in exactly

seven-and-a-half million years.

- [Ford] Is it finished?

- No, there's more. They go back.

- Seven-and-a-half million years later?

- That's right, they do.

[Cheering, trumpets]

Deep Thought, do you have...

[Deep Thought] An answer for you?

Yes, but you're not going to like it.

- It doesn't matter. We must know it.

- All right.

The answer to the ultimate question...

[cheering]

... of life, the universe

and everything...

[cheering]

... is...

[cheering]

... 42.

[Man] Yeah? What?

[Woman] 42?

[Deep Thought] Yes, I thought it over

quite thoroughly. It's 42.

It would've been simpler

to have known what the question was.

But it was the question.

The ultimate question. Of everything!

That's not a question.

Only when you know the question

will you know what the answer means.

- Give us the ultimate question then.

- I can't. But there is one who can.

A computer that will calculate

the ultimate question.

A computer of such infinite complexity,

that life itself will form part

of its operational matrix.

And you yourselves shall take on new,

more primitive forms,

and go down into the computer to

navigate its 10-million-year program.

I shall design this computer for you,

and it shall be called...

- That's it?

- That's it.

[Ford] You're looking for

the ultimate question? You? Why?

[Zaphod] I tried that.

Why? 42. Doesn't work.

- Let's get it ready, baby.

- Why...

...do you want to know

the ultimate question?

Partly curiosity,

partly a sense of adventure,

but, uh, mostly I think

it's for the fame and the money.

You're President of the Galaxy.

- [Zaphod] Yes, Arman.

- Arthur.

Whatever.

Presidential fame is temporary.

I find the question, that's permanent.

It sticks.

Plus, everyone thinks you're deep.

Win-win.

We just hit that button and bam,

we're at Magrathea, I think.

We've hit it twice and

we're still not there, but anyway...

- You in?

- Always.

- [Zaphod] All right!

- [Marvin] Uh, I want to get off.

- Uh, sorry, what exactly are we doing?

- This!

[Boom]

[Guide] The Infinite Improbability Drive

is a wonderful new method

of crossing interstellar distances

in a few seconds,

without all that tedious

mucking about in hyperspace.

As the Improbability Drive

reaches infinite improbability,

it passes through every conceivable

point in every conceivable universe

almost simultaneously.

So you're never sure

where you'll end up

or even what species you'll be

when you get there.

It's therefore important

to dress accordingly.

The Drive was invented following

research into finite improbability

often used to break the ice at parties

by making all the molecules

in the hostess's undergarments

leap one foot to the left

in accordance with

the theory of indeterminacy.

Many physicists said they

wouldn't stand for that sort of thing,

partly because it debased science,

but mostly because they didn't get

invited to those sort of parties.

[Squeaks and clangs]

[Engines rumble]

[Zaphod] Wow, is this gonna happen

every time we hit that button?

[Trillian] Very probably, yes.

[Marvin] Ah, I think

the Earthman's about to be sick.

[Zaphod] In the trashcan, ape-man.

This ship's new.

Aw, come on!

[Trillian] We have normality.

Did it work? Are we there?

Yeah. We're here. Magrathea!

I don't think so. Eddie...

- Ow!

- What planet is this?

[Eddie] I'm checking for you.

Did you just pluck

one of my hairs? Off my head?

[Eddie] Thank you for waiting.

Sorry to disappoint,

but this is not Magrathea.

We are currently in orbit around

the planet Viltvodle Six.

- [Squelch]

- Humma Kavula!

Magrathea's gonna have to wait.

I got a score to settle on this planet.

- [Engines roar]

- [Zaphod] Humma Kavula!

[Guide] In the beginning,

the universe was created.

This made a lot of people very angry,

and is widely regarded as a bad move.

[Crowd shouting]

Many races believed it was created

by some sort of god,

though the Jatravartid people

of Viltvodle Six

firmly believe that the entire universe

was sneezed out of the nose of a being

called the Great Green Arkleseizure.

[Zaphod] Humma Kavula!

[Guide] The Jatravartids,

who lived in fear

of the time they called the

Coming of the Great White Handkerchief,

were small blue creatures

with more than 50 arms each.

They were unique in being

the only race in history

to have invented

the aerosol deodorant before the wheel.

Mr. President!

Hey, all right. How you doin'?

Hey, what have we here? I love it!

[Blasts]

Hey, I love you. Fantastic!

You guys related? Don't go changing.

Arthur, I want a drink.

I think I've been here before.

Have I been here before?

[Women] Ixxie!

- I've been here before.

- [Zaphod] Humma Kavula!

Come on.

Tricia! Tricia, I...

[laughter]

# [Church choir] Now we await

with eager expectation

# Thy handkerchief

to bring us back to Thee

Hello, Humma.

- [Priest] Join us. Sit down.

- Good to see you. Thanks. All right.

[Humma] The handkerchief is coming.

Let us pray the Almighty will exhale

a breath of compassion on us all.

So that's Humma Kavula.

I thought he was just swearing.

We lift our noses, clogged and unblown,

in reverence to you.

Send the handkerchief, O Blessed One,

so that it may wipe us clean.

We ask this and all things

in Thy precious and alliterative name.

[All sneeze]

[All sniffle]

Bless you.

- [Door bangs]

- [Zaphod] We goin' in here?

All right, I like it. It's big,

it's gold, it's fancy. Fancy pants.

[Humma] Zaphod Beeblebrox,

our infamous President.

What brings you to our humble planet?

[Zaphod] Oh, I think you know

why I'm here.

No, I don't think I do.

I think you think you don't.

But we both know... you do.

Eloquent as always.

Your ability to articulate

never ceases to amaze.

[Zaphod] That's funny.

During the campaign, Humma,

when you were my opponent

running against me,

you said I was stupid.

The election is ancient history,

Zaphod, but...

...if memory serves, you won,

proving that good looks

and charm win

over brilliance

and the ability to govern.

And, incidentally, you are stupid.

[Arthur] Excuse me, Mr. Humma, sir.

Uh, I just want to say, there's been

some sort of terrible mix up

'cause, actually, he's not with us.

We came to worship you.

He followed us and...

He grew, didn't he. He's not that tall.

You didn't come half-way across the

galaxy to settle a campaign grudge.

Why are you here?

Of course not,

that's, that's ridiculous.

I've been stranded on a strange planet

for years, I haven't been avoiding you.

You look great. You're doing well.

You've grown, obviously.

- [Zaphod] Aggh! Oomph!

- Wait! We don't know why we're here.

We were trying to get to Magrathea

and our ship brought us here.

How very, very improbable.

[Squelch]

[Electronic buzz]

I kept a few souvenirs

from my former life.

Ah, the heady days of space piracy.

But... even an Infinite Improbability

Drive requires coordinates.

Which I happen to have.

- [Zaphod groans]

- No, no, no.

You don't get something

for nothing, Zaphod.

You must bring me something in return.

- [Chuckles] Wh... What?

- [Humma] A gun.

- A gun?

- A very special gun.

Designed by the greatest computer

ever invented.

But the only way to find it

is to go to Magrathea.

Fine. I'll get your gun.

Just give me the coordinates.

And what will you give me

to ensure your return?

My word as President.

No. I need a hostage.

Only... what does

Zaphod Beeblebrox treasure?

- [Humma whistles]

- [Gulp]

- [Whistling]

- Come on.

[Zaphod chuckles hysterically]

Oh, no!

- [Zaphod] Hey, take it easy now.

- [Electric saw]

No, stop it.

Ah! Oh, that kind of tickles.

Two heads are better than one.

Double your pleasure.

[Zaphod's second head]

You need me!

Come back! Come back!

Don't leave me alone.

[Hawaiian hula music]

[Zaphod's second head] Come back!

[Arthur] I thought I alone

considered your boyfriend

a narcissistic moron,

but the whole galaxy does.

What about you?

"Excuse me, Mr. Humma, sir. "

"We're not with him. We just came

to worship you. " Very brave.

- Where the hell is Ford?

- [Whoosh]

[Vogon] By the left, march.

Left, right, left, right.

Mr. President,

we're here for your protection.

[Vogon Kwaltz]

Fire upon the kidnapper!

Hey, come on!

The President is the kidnapper.

You'll kill him!

***! ***!

[Arthur] It's locked!

Thank you, darling. I'll be in touch.

[Ford shrieks]

Come on, Zaphod.

- Hey, what did I miss?

- What have you been doing?

Field research. So they found

where we are? Belgium bummer!

They're shooting at us!

What are we going to do?

- [Trillian] I have an idea.

- Pushing him out and running away?

[Arthur] What? He's the one they want.

You can't go out there.

What are you doing?

- Back off!

- [Vogon] What's going on?

I have the President

and I will kill him, I swear.

- Could that actually kill him?

- I don't think so.

- It's an aerosol can.

- Oh.

[Arthur] Okay, frightened now,

frightened.

- [Zaphod] Hi, little guy.

- Get her!

- [Arthur] Zaphod, no, come on!

- [Trillian] Arthur!

- [Trillian] Arthur!

- Tricia!

- Arthur!

- Tricia! Wait!

[Trillian] Arthur!

Resistance is useless!

[Engines blasting off]

[Kwaltz] Bring her to Vogsphere

for processing, captain.

- [Door sighs]

- [Zaphod] Where's the circus?

They got her and it's my fault.

We have to go!

[Zaphod] Let's go!

Whoo! Computer, take us to Magrathea!

What? No, no, no.

We've got to go after Tricia.

- Who?

- Trillian.

They've got Trillian,

you stupid half-brained git!

Right, you're coming out!

[Laughs hysterically]

Computer, we don't want to go to

Magrathea, we want to follow the ships.

[Computer] I'd love to, but my

guidance system has been deactivated.

Oh, come on!

[Computer] I'm sorry.

It wasn't my fault.

What you doing on this ship?

- Ford?

- Marvin.

I've been talking

to the ship's computer.

And?

It hates me.

No, uh-uh. Eddie, computer,

is there another way

to follow the ships?

[Computer] Activating Emergency Escape

Pod. It's super-neat and fun to fly!

[Arthur] Ow!

[Marvin] Unbelievable!

[Arthur] I'm in. I'm in.

Okay, Ford, do you have any idea?

[Ford] We'll press this.

[Arthur] Oh, no, no, no, no.

- [Ford] This button.

- Okay. Nothing's... Okay!

Good man, good man, good man.

- Okay, we're wobbling...

- You forgot your towel.

[Arthur] Get him off me! I'll kill him!

- Okay, Ford, there's a...

- [Ford] Is that better?

No, that's worse, that's worse.

- Do what... I don't need that.

- Okay.

[Arthur] Stop the rocking.

Marvin, any ideas?

[Marvin] I have a million ideas.

They all point to certain death.

[Arthur] Thanks, Marv.

[Distant thunder]

[Crab] Ooh, ooh. Eee. Ooh, ooh.

[Whine of spaceship plummeting]

- [Crash]

- [Crab] Whoo!

[Explosion]

[Crab] Whee! Whee!

[Crab] Yeah! Yeah!

[Coughing]

- Magrathea!

- [Ford] No, we're on the Vogon planet.

- Yes, it is. It's Magrathea!

- This is Vogsphere.

- Yeah, Magrathea. I know it.

- No, it's not.

- There is no Magrathea.

- Yes, it is.

- What are you doing?

- They took my head.

They have these

on Arcturan mega freighters.

They use them when

they need to concentrate.

- What is it?

- It's a thinking cap.

[Pulsing]

- [Ford] There you go.

- [Pulsing stops]

Should give him some zest

for about ten minutes or so.

[Marvin] Now I'm feeling

much better about our predicament.

[Crash]

[Ford] I checked the Guide for how

to rescue a prisoner from Vogsphere.

It said don't.

I'm assuming you have a better plan.

Well, I kind of had this idea

that we could... Ow!

- Did anyone see that?

- See what?

- What was it?

- [Arthur] Uh...

Nothing, it's, uh, nothing.

It's just my imagination.

Okay, right. Now, everyone just stop

a minute, please, and look at me.

There's... definitely

something going on here.

Just... just watch.

Just watch.

Okay, I think we...

- Oooh!

- Ah-ha! You too!

Yeah, what was that?

I thi...

Zaphod, what do you think?

I think... Ow! Zarquon!

What was that? Jeez!

I'd make a suggestion,

but you wouldn't listen.

- No one ever does.

- [Ford] I have an idea.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, Ford!

Kill it! Get rid of it!

Okay, don't think.

Nobody think. No ideas.

No theories. No nothing.

[All] Ow!

This is crazy.

Trillian is in there somewhere.

- We need an idea to save her.

- [Zaphod] I have an ide...

- Ah! Run!

- Yeeaaghh!

[Zaphod imitates kung-fu cries]

[Arthur] Ooh! Ah!

[Tram bell rings]

[Vogon] You're supposed to stop.

[Police siren]

Okay, so I'm not thinking.

Not thinking. No ideas coming.

Okay, this isn't an idea

that has any merit at all,

but, Marvin, can you give me a hand?

Okay, where is she?!

Who, the director of robot arm repair?

Tricia Yggarstuk McMillanus

of... Blaard?

No, Tricia Marie McMillan of Earth.

Oh. Right.

[Keys clank]

[Computer squeaks and squeals]

Sorry, no record of Earth.

Galactic sector

ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha?

- Oh, yes.

- [Questular] She's lying.

She's skinny, and she's pretty,

and she's lying.

- Mmmm.

- [Vogon clerk] Here we are. Earth.

Oh. Um, "destroyed. "

Um, do you have

a second home planet?

- Destroyed? That's impossible.

- That's what it says here.

Says it was destroyed to make way

for a hyperspace expressway.

[Electronic pulses]

[Explosion]

Who in their right mind

gives an order to destroy a planet?

- He said the gray building, right?

- All the buildings are gray.

"Give me a hand. " Ha-ha, very funny.

How am I supposed to drive this pod

with one arm? Stupid human.

[Vogon clerk #2]

Go and fill that in.

Then, make sure, when you fill in

the facilitating form...

Leave this to me. I'm British.

I know how to queue.

[Vogon clerk #2]

If you'd fill that form in for me,

and return it as soon as possible.

- Writing implements to your left...

- You're President. Can you do anything?

Presidents don't have power. Their job

is to draw attention away from it.

Hey, how you doin'?

Hey, it's me, your President!

What's goin' on? Thanks for coming.

All right. I know that sponge.

All right!

- Next!

- President coming through.

How you doin', Pinhead?

No, really, it's me.

I love kabuki. Look at that.

- [Arthur] Out the way.

- [Alien roars]

- Give us a kiss!

- [Alien squeals]

Hi, I've come about

release of a prisoner.

Prisoner release form.

Oh, wha...?

I don't believe you.

These are the orders.

"Love and kisses"?!

Mm. Now, according

to the Galactic Penal Code,

the punishment for

a presidential kidnapping

is to be fed to

the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal.

Good day.

[Trillian] Ow, get off of me!

Ow! What the hell is that?

Ow, no, wait, wait! There's been

some kind of mistake. Ah!

- Tick all the boxes on the right.

- Right. Got it.

Not that one!

[Guide] What to do if you find yourself

stuck with no hope of rescue.

Consider how lucky you are

that life has been good to you so far.

Alternatively, if life

hasn't been good to you so far,

which, given your current circumstances

seems more likely,

consider how lucky you are that

it won't be troubling you much longer.

[Trillian growls]

Right, there we go.

Oh, kidnapping the President.

Oh, no, she's not eligible

for release at this time.

Okay. Right.

Look, this is the President.

- [Vogon] Oh!

- Okay. See, there?

He says the kidnapping business

was a horrible misunderstanding.

Oh, yeah.

[Arthur] She meant nothing by it.

He's ordering you to let her go.

But this isn't a presidential

release of prisoner form.

Those are blue.

- I'll stay here.

- All right. Hold that. Okay. Wai...

- [roars]

- [Trillian screams]

Oh, he's hungry today. [chuckles]

That's blue. Right.

- [Ford] I'm not a journalist.

- We're just hanging out.

Okay, this is, uh,

it's for Tricia McMillan.

Tricia McMillan. Mm. Okay.

[Minion] Sir, it's a release form.

Thank you.

She's free to go.

- Release her.

- [Trillian screams]

Zaphod's here.

Well, then, uh, that's fine then.

Let's just go and get him.

Who are we waiting for again?

No, I'm serious.

Tricia!

- Tricia.

- [Zaphod] Trill.

- Hey, come on.

- You idiot!

You signed the order to destroy Earth.

- He did?

- I did?

Yes. "Love and kisses, Zaphod"?

You didn't even read it, did you?

Honey, I'm President of the Galaxy.

I don't get a lot of time for reading.

An entire planet, my home,

destroyed because you thought

they wanted your autograph.

- [Zaphod] They framed me!

- Are you an idiot?

- Trillian.

- You knew. Why didn't you tell me?

- He threatened me.

- Get a backbone, Arthur.

Oh, a backbone? What about coming here

to rescue you? Thank you. My idea. Oh!

Stupid!

- Got your arm.

- [Marvin] How considerate.

Right, then, all those lucky enough

to have two arms, hold tight.

Oh, the President tests my patience.

This time I shall pursue him myself.

Ready my ship.

Fantastic. At last.

[Whistle sounds]

Oh. That's one hour for lunch,

everybody.

I think I'll have soup today.

[Guide] The Encyclopedia Galactica,

in its chapter on love,

states that it is

far too complicated to define.

The Hitchhiker's Guide

to the Galaxy has this to say on love.

"Avoid, if at all possible. "

Unfortunately,

Arthur Dent has never read

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

- Oh, I'm so sorry.

- No, come in.

I... I didn't...

Um, look, uh...

Trillian, I just wanted to say,

you were right,

I should've told you, and I understand

totally if you're angry with me.

Um, for what it's worth,

I know how you must be feeling...

- Can you hand me a towel?

- Yeah, sure, this...

Thank you.

[Arthur] Actually,

what I was going to say was...

...if I'd said yes to you

and gone to Madagascar,

then neither of us would be here now.

I just thought that might

count for something.

It doesn't matter.

[Arthur sighs]

[Door sighs]

[Door sighs]

All right, computer, take us to...

Where are we... Where we headed again?

Okay, I'm gonna get you

another lemon.

All right.

[Computer]

Engaging Improbability Drive.

[Ford] No, Zaphod, no.

Buttons are not toys. What did you do?

Magrathean coordinates accepted.

- [Blast off]

- [Squeaks]

- [Blast off]

- [Squeaks]

[Blast]

[Computer]

It blows my circuits to tell you

that we're in orbit,

at an altitude of 300 miles,

around the legendary planet

of Magrathea.

Magrathea! Magrathea!

Magrathea!

- [Sighs]

- [Zaphod] Unbelievable.

[Marvin] Incredible.

It's even worse

than I thought it would be.

[Man] Greetings. This is a recorded

announcement as we are all out.

The Commercial Council of Magrathea

thanks you for your visit,

but regrets that the entire planet

is temporarily closed.

If you'd like to leave your name

and a planet where you can be contacted,

kindly do so at the tone.

- How can a planet be closed?

- Zarkin' A, cousin.

Okay, computer, keep going.

Take us down.

[Computer] I'd be happy to.

[Electronic tone]

[Message] It is gratifying

that your enthusiasm

for our planet continues unabated.

As a token of our appreciation,

we hope you will enjoy

the two thermo-nuclear missiles

we've just sent

to converge with your craft.

To ensure on-going quality of service,

your death may be monitored

for training purposes. Thank you.

[Computer] I'm delighted to tell you

there are two nuclear missiles

heading right for us.

If you don't mind,

I'm going to take evasive action.

[Engines whoosh]

[Shouts and cries]

[Computer] Something's jamming

my guidance system.

Impact minus 45 seconds.

Computer, do something!

[Computer] Sure. Handing over

manual control. Good luck.

[Brakes screech]

[Missiles whoosh]

[Zaphod] I need some help.

I can't do this without my third arm.

- [Clunk]

- Arthur, grab my hand!

[Shouts and groans]

[Engines roar]

- Did we lose 'em?

- No, they're coming right at us.

- Why don't I just press this?

- No, we're not back to normal yet.

- What will happen?

- I don't know.

Don't do it! We're here.

No telling where it'll send us.

- Sod it all.

- No!

[Silence]

Wow. Where are we?

Exactly where we were.

And the missiles?

Apparently, they've turned...

into a bowl of petunias.

- [Clunk]

- And a very surprised-looking whale.

[Computer] And an improbability factor

of 8,767, 128 to 1 against.

We have norm... normality.

Normality, right. [coughs]

We can talk about normality

till the cows come home.

- What is normal?

- What's home?

What are cows?

A proper cup of tea

would restore my normality.

[Guide] It is important to note that

suddenly, and against all probability,

a *** whale had been

called into existence

several miles above

the surface of an alien planet.

Since this is not a tenable

position for a whale,

this innocent creature had very little

time to come to terms with its identity.

This is what it thought as it fell:

Ah, whoa, what's happening? Who am I?

Why am I here? What's my purpose?

What do I mean by who am I?

Okay, Okay, calm down, get a grip now.

Ooh, this is an interesting sensation.

A sort of tingling in my...

I better start finding names for things.

Let's call it a tail. Yeah, tail.

What's this roaring sound whooshing past

what I'm gonna call my head?

Wind. Is that a good name? That'll do.

Yay, this is really exciting.

I'm dizzy with anticipation.

Or is it the wind?

There's a lot of that now.

And what's this thing coming towards me

very fast? So big and flat and round.

It needs a big wide-sounding name

like ow, ound, round, ground!

That's it, ground. I wonder if it will

be friends with me. Hello, ground.

[Thud]

[Guide] The only thing that went through

the mind of the bowl of petunias

as it fell was, "Oh, no, not again!"

Many have speculated that if we knew

why the petunias had thought that,

we should know a lot more about the

nature of the universe than we do now.

[Wind blows]

[Arthur] What are those things?

[Ford] They're portals

to another dimension.

[Arthur] Right. I don't suppose this

portal has central heating, does it?

- [Zaphod mumbles]

- [Arthur sighs]

[Zaphod] Ah, this is the one.

[Marvin] This will all end in tears,

I just know it.

- Right here.

- [Machine starts up]

- Hey! Whoa!

- [Roaring wind]

Okay, in we go!

We can't just step into that... that!

We don't know where it leads.

If we pick the wrong one,

we just... we come back,

we pick another one. It's no biggie.

[Arthur] What? Yeah, it's a big biggie,

Ford. A big biggie.

What if it rips us all into

tiny little atomic particle thingies?

This is the right one. I have a hunch.

- Ford!

- His hunches are good.

Arthur, I say we go.

Go with the hunch of a man

whose brain is fuelled by lemons?!

[Arthur] This is suicide!

- I think I resent that.

- [Arthur] I don't care.

[Zaphod] I'm getting hostility

from you, Alex...

- Arthur!

- [Zaphod] Have you ever tried yoga?

[Portal roars]

- Trillian!

- I think that's supposed to happen.

[High-pitched] She's gone!

Ford, she's gone!

Arthur, don't panic!

- Ford!

- [Zaphod] Hey, wait for me!

Whoo!

[Arthur whimpers]

Come on.

Idiot! Come on, come on,

come on, come on!

Ahhh!

[Silence]

[Coughs and splutters]

[Groans and grunts]

No, no, no, don't leave.

Come on, come on, just start!

[Marvin]

I told you this would end in tears.

[Arthur] Did you? Did you?

[Arthur breathes heavily]

[Zaphod from above] Geronimo!

Ooomph! [laughs]

Far out! Far out! Ha-ha!

This is it. This is it!

Deep Thought. I'm a-coming.

[Arthur chuckles] So, this is how

it's all going to end, is it?

Me, alone on a dead planet,

with a manically depressed robot.

[Marvin]

You think you've got problems.

What if you are

a manically depressed robot?

[Man] Excuse me.

- [Arthur] Aaaaagghhh!

- [Man] Whoa, whoa.

- Who are you?

- No, uh, my name is not important.

Uh, you must come with me.

- Get away.

- [Man] Terrible events are afoot.

Um, you... you must come

or you'll be late.

- [Arthur] Late? What for?

- What?

No, no. What's...

what's your name, Earthman?

- Dent. Arthur Dent.

- [Man] Well...

late as in

"the late Dentarthurdent. "

It's a sort of threat, do you see? No.

- No.

- [Man] Your friends are safe.

- You can trust me.

- A man who won't tell me his name?

Okay, my name is, um...

...my name is... is...

is... Slartibartfast.

I... I... I said it wasn't important.

Well... so my friends are safe?

Let me show you.

[Marvin] I could calculate your chances

of survival, but you won't like it.

[Clank]

Did you know we built planets?

Oh, yes, fascinating trade.

Doing the, um... doing the coastlines

was always my favorite.

We used to have endless fun doing the

little fiddly bits around the fjords.

But then the galactic economy collapsed,

and seeing that custom-built planets

are a... are a bit of

a luxury commodity...

Come with me because there's

been a terrible mix-up with your planet.

Best laid plans of mice, you know.

- And men.

- What?

Best laid plans of mice and men.

[Laughs] Yes, well, I don't think men

have much to do with it. Here.

[Vibrations]

- [Engine starting up]

- [beeps]

[Siren]

- [Explosion]

- Um, I must warn you,

we're going to pass through,

well, a sort of gateway thing.

- Huh?

- It may disturb you.

It scares the *** out of me.

Aghh! Aghh!

[Slartibartfast] Ha, ha, ha.

Welcome to our factory floor.

[Grunts and groans]

[Trillian] Okay.

[Zaphod] All right. All right.

Yeah, this is it.

This is it.

O great Deep Thought!

We have traveled long...

...and far.

Have you calculated

the ultimate question of life,

the universe and everything?

[Deep Thought yawns] No.

- [Zaphod] What?

- I've been watching TV.

Oh.

I designed

another computer to do that.

Oh, right, I forgot. Is it here?

No, it's not here. It's another world.

It's on another world.

It is another world, stupid.

Or it was until the Vogons destroyed it

to make way

for a hyperspace expressway.

Well... Okay.

You sure you don't have the question,

or a way to, you know,

access it or something?

'Cause I think I've done

a lot to get here.

Oh, shh, shh. The show's back on.

[Hiccup]

Well, I don't wanna bother you,

so I'm gonna... Good stuff.

Great. I'm gonna go and find something

else for my entire life to be about.

[Ford] Zaphod, Zaphod,

there's the... the gun.

- Gun?

- That Humma sent you for.

- You gave him your head.

- Why'd I... Why'd I do that?

- Okay.

- That's stupid.

O Deep Thought,

we were told that there is a gun.

[Crashing and rumbling]

[Cart squeals]

- There you are.

- Hm?

Look familiar?

[Arthur] So it wasn't destroyed?

Actually, it was.

This is a backup. Earth Mark II.

So you... you made the Earth?

[Chuckles] Not me alone,

but I... I did my part.

Ever heard of a place,

I think it's called Norway?

That was one of mine.

I... I got an award for it.

[Arthur shrieks]

[Arthur's shrieks grow louder]

[Arthur] Oh, hoo!

[Slartibartfast] All right, Frank?

That's... that's Frank.

Ah-ha. They...

they've nearly finished the oceans.

[Ford] Zaphod.

Here, it's...

...it's just like Humma said.

- Now you can go get your head back.

- Hey, Ford.

It's been nice knowing you,

you zarking frood.

- No!

- [Gun blast]

- Whoa!

- This is a bust too.

H... H... Hey, man. You know,

you must really be frustrated.

You go through all you have,

you don't get an answer,

which means no money or fame,

which you deserve...

[Guide] The Point-of-View Gun,

conveniently,

does precisely what its name suggests.

Fantastic. Fantastic. Fantastic.

[Guide] If you point it at

someone and pull the trigger,

they instantly see things

from your point of view.

Give me that thing.

It was designed by Deep Thought,

but commissioned by a consortium

of intergalactic angry housewives

who, after arguments

with their husbands,

were sick of ending

those arguments with the phrase,

"You just don't get it, do you?"

[Blast]

Uh, uh, and you're right,

I shouldn't be so upset

because life goes on, you know,

and I should just go on with it.

Shoot him again.

- [Zaphod] Whoa.

- [Blast]

Hitchhiking's good. Towels are good too.

- [Zaphod] Say what?

- That is brilliant.

[Zaphod] What's goin'...?

I can see why Humma Kavula

would want one of these.

- We better get back. Arthur's waiting.

- Who cares?

I do. Especially since we're somewhat

of an endangered species, thanks to you.

[Zaphod] Why so edgy, baby doll? Relax.

- You wanna know why I'm edgy?

- [Gun]

Argh. Of course you're edgy.

Your planet's been blown up

and you've been tooling around

with the guy who signed the order.

Huh?

Ugh! You actually wanted

to know the question

because you always wondered

if there was more to life

and now you're crushed

because you find out there really isn't.

Hey, fantastic. [laughs] Psychedelic.

[Fires again]

You've got no home, no family,

and you're stuck with me,

another in a long line of men

who doesn't really get you.

Huh? That's not true.

[Fires twice more]

And you're worried you might have blown

it with the one guy who really does.

Hey, whoops.

Oh, baby doll.

Give me that thing.

[Sighs] It won't affect me.

I'm already a woman.

[Boom]

[Rumble of grating stone]

It's okay.

It's only a couple of little mice!

[Huge rumbling]

[Slartibartfast] Voilà!

Himalayas. Good, eh?

Earthman, you must realize

that the planet you lived on was

commissioned, paid for and run by mice.

When you say mice, do you mean

the little furry white creatures

with whiskers, ears, cheese?

Yeah, but they're protrusions into our

dimension of hyper intelligent beings.

I don't know this cheese

of which you speak,

but they were there on Earth

as mice experimenting on you.

I see where you've become confused now.

You see, we were experimenting on them.

Ah, no, well, yeah, no.

That's what they wanted you to think,

but you were actually

elements in their computer program.

[Arthur] Actually, this explains a lot.

All my life,

I've had this strange feeling

there's something big and sinister

going on in the world.

No, that's normal paranoia.

Everyone in the universe gets that.

[Boom]

Perhaps I'm old and tired,

but the chances of finding out

what's actually going on

are so absurdly remote

that the only thing to do is say hang

the sense of it and keep yourself busy.

I'd much rather be happy

than right any day.

- And are you?

- Uh... no.

[Laughs] That's where

it all falls down, of course.

Here you are then.

Is this...?

It's, um... It's all there.

You know, it all works.

Welcome home.

[All cheer]

- Hey!

- Hey, man!

- There you are!

- Surprise!

What are you doing?

What happened to you?

Is that tea?

- First, our hosts attacked us.

- Right.

But then they made up for it

by making us...

[tearfully]... this amazing meal.

It's so... Everything's right.

Everything's delicious.

Oh, come on, that's lovely.

We're glad you like it, Earth creature.

[Chuckles nervously]

The, um, talking... talking mice. Cool.

- Sit, Earthman.

- Oh, thank you. Thank you for that.

- Please, drink.

- Um, uh, excuse me.

- Uh, is there anything else?

- No, we're quite happy, thank you.

Um, good, I'll be outside, so...

You were right.

- [Mouse] Please, drink.

- Yes.

He was right.

Now, to business.

[Both] To business!

[Firmly] Eat!

- Shh.

- Sorry.

[Mouse] We've spent a lot of time

on your planet

looking for this ultimate question.

Only to have it blow up

in our faces. Literally.

Which is why you're here.

We've been offered a lucrative contract

to do several 5-D TV chat shows.

But here's the point.

We must have product.

We need the ultimate question,

or one that sounds ultimate.

- Of course.

- We've rebuilt the planet.

Now all we need

is the missing piece of the puzzle.

- Which happens to be your brain.

- Right.

[Mouse] More tea?

Sorry, did you just say

you need my brain?

Yes, to complete the program.

You can't have my brain. I'm using it.

- Hardly.

- Hardly? Cheeky... Cheeky mouse.

Zaphod! Trillian!

- [Whirring]

- Ford.

What was in that food?

What was in my tea?

Don't worry. You won't feel a thing.

[Grunts and whimpers]

Just wait a sodding minute.

You want a question

that goes with the answer 42?

What about, what's 6x7?

Or, um, uh, how many Vogons

does it take to change a light bulb?

Here's one:
How many roads

must a man walk down?

Hey, that's not bad.

Fine. Fine, take it, 'cause my head

is filled with questions,

and no answer to any one of them

has ever brought me

one iota of happiness.

Except for one.

The one. The only question

I've ever wanted an answer to.

Is she the one?

The answer bloody well isn't 42,

it's yes.

Undoubtedly, unequivocally,

unabashedly, yes.

And for one week,

one week in my sad little...

blip of an existence...

...it made me happy.

That's a good answer.

[Mouse] We don't want to be happy.

We want to be famous.

- What's this "Is she the one" tripe?

- Take his brain!

No, don't take the brain!

Don't take the brain, mice!

[Grunts]

[Screams]

- [Screams]

- It wasn't me!

- [Gibbers]

- [Zaphod] I'm famous.

Shoot him, quickly, shoot him!

Oh, ***!

Agghh!

I'm gonna be sick.

[Coughs] Belgium.

[Voices, vibrations]

Follow me.

[Vogons] Left, right, left, right.

Attention!

[Marvin] Thanks a lot

for leaving me behind.

Though I can't say I blame you.

Mr. President,

we're here for your protection.

Thanks, man. I appreciate it.

Fire!

No! No!

[Marvin] What's all the fuss about?

Vogons are the worst marksmen

in the galaxy. Ooh.

- For God's sake, stop!

- Cease fire.

Now I've got a headache...

headache... headache...

Marvin!

[Zaphod] Oh, no.

- [Ford's battle shriek]

- He's got a towel, run away!

I'm gonna get us outta here.

How do you drive this thing?

We need that gun.

Come on. Get this ship started.

Come on. Start!

Come on. Oh, fire, fire!

Fire, fire!

[Arthur] Oo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo!

[Vogon] He's locked it

from the other side.

We'll have to go the other way.

Come on, let's go!

[Shouts]

Stop!

[Arthur] Oh, no!

[Zaphod] Stop it! Stop it!

Stop shooting at us!

[Shooting stops]

Oh, I feel so depressed.

[Vogons groan]

I can't face another day.

What's the point?

- You all right?

- Yeah.

Sorry about your spaceship, Arthur.

[Vogons groan]

Marvin, you saved our lives.

I know. Wretched, isn't it?

[Moans]

You got to ask yourself,

what's the point?

[Workman] Take it away.

You could do all of that, but it's not

gonna... Well, I'll ask... I'll just ask.

I... I... I've just been informed

by some of the lads

that since we're so near completion,

we're gonna go ahead and finish Earth.

Oh.

We, well, we can put it back exactly

as it was when you left, you know.

Unless there's, um...

...there's, you know,

anything you want to change.

Something you think

your planet could do without.

Yeah. Me.

Oh! Um, hello?

No, as is. Yep, leave it. Yep.

Let's go somewhere.

Definitely. Where did you have in mind?

I know this great restaurant

at the end of the universe.

I am a little peckish.

I need to go to Humma's.

He's got something of mine.

- I think. I'm so confused.

- Don't worry, baby. We'll sort it out.

All right, let's trip the

light fantastic, baby. Just you and me.

Come on.

- You got your towel?

- Yeah. Why? Am I going to need it?

- Only always.

- Right. Yeah.

I wouldn't want to go

anywhere without my wonderful towel.

Okay. Hold tight.

[Speaker] Stand by for commencement

of life cycle. In three, two, one...

[Zaphod] All right! Whoo!

[Marvin] Not that

anyone cares what I say,

but the restaurant

is at the other end of the universe.

[Screech of brakes]

[Accelerating engines]

[Boom]

# So long and thanks for all the fish

# So sad that it should come to this

# We tried to warn you all but, oh, dear

# You may not share our intellect

# Which might explain your disrespect

# For all the natural wonders

that grow around you

# So long, so long

and thanks... for all the fish

# The world's about to be destroyed

# There's no point getting all annoyed

# Lie back and let the planet dissolve

# Despite those nets of tuna fleets

# We thought that most of you were sweet

# Especially tiny tots

and your pregnant women

# So long, so long,

so long, so long, so long

# So long, so long,

so long, so long, so long

# So long, so long

and thanks... for all the fish

Yeah!

Play it!

# So long and thanks for all the fish

# So sad that it should come to this

# We tried to warn you all but, oh, dear

# Oh, dear

# Despite those nets of tuna fleets

# We thought that most of you were sweet

# Especially tiny tots

and your pregnant women

# So long, so long,

so long, so long, so long

# So long, so long,

so long, so long, so long

# So long, so long

and thanks for all the fish

# For all the fish #

[Guide] It is, of course, well known

that careless talk costs lives.

But the full scale of the problem

is not always appreciated.

For instance, at the very moment

that Arthur Dent said,

"I wouldn't want to go anywhere

without my wonderful towel"

a freak wormhole opened up in

the fabric of the space-time continuum

and carried his words far,

far back in time,

across almost infinite reaches of space,

to a distant galaxy

where strange and warlike beings

were poised on the brink

of frightful interstellar battle.

The two opposing leaders, resplendent

in their black-jeweled battle shorts

were meeting for the last time,

when a dreadful silence fell.

And at that very moment,

the words "I wouldn't want to go

anywhere without my wonderful towel"

drifted across the conference table.

Unfortunately, in their native tongue,

this was the most appalling

insult imaginable.

So the opposing battle fleets

decided to settle

their remaining differences,

in order to launch

a joint attack on our galaxy,

now positively identified

as the source of the offending remark.

For thousands of years,

the mighty starships tore across

the empty wastes of space and finally

dived screaming onto the planet Earth,

where, due to

a terrible miscalculation of scale,

the entire battle fleet was

accidentally swallowed by a small dog.

Those who study the complex

interplay of cause and effect

in the history of the universe,

say that this sort of thing

is going on all the time.

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Karey Kirkpatrick

Karey Kirkpatrick (born December 14, 1964) is an American screenwriter and director. His films include James and the Giant Peach, Chicken Run, The Spiderwick Chronicles, Charlotte's Web and The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy adaptation, along with contributions to the Smurfs films. He has also directed the films Imagine That starring Eddie Murphy as well as Over The Hedge. Kirkpatrick wrote the English-language screenplay for U.S. release of The Secret World of Arrietty, in 2012 and From Up on Poppy Hill, in 2013. His brother is American songwriter and musician Wayne Kirkpatrick. more…

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Submitted by JamesBond on January 08, 2022

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    "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2022. Web. 3 Oct. 2022. <https://www.scripts.com/script/the_hitchhiker's_guide_to_the_galaxy_25962>.

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