The Angels' Share

PROSECUTOR:

This is an unusual case, My Lord.

The accused was at an unmanned station under

the influence of a strong fortified wine.

Railway personnel from some 20 miles away

manning security cameras

saw him staggering

towards the station's edge.

Lovely jubbly

(CHIMING ON PA)

ANNOUNCER ON PA:
Would all passengers

stand back from the edge of the platform?

You with the trainers on.

You with the blue tracksuit.

Get back. There's a train coming

through here any minute.

Stand back.

Is somebody taking the piss here?

When will you do what you're told

and stand back?

- Stand back?

- That's right, you heard me. Stand back.

If you say so, pal.

Oh, shit!

See! Look what you've done now,

you fucking imbecile!

Get off that track. There's a train

coming through here in seconds.

What the f*ck was that, you arsehole?

I fucking nearly broke my bottle.

F*ck the bottle. Get off the track!

Hurry up! Get a fucking move on!

I cannot find my glasses!

This is God calling.

Get off the fucking track, will you?!

- Get a fucking move on or you're gonna die!

- F*ck me!

Move it, you fucking arsehole!

- (TRAIN APPROACHES)

- Oh, thank f*ck. Oh! Shit.

(TRAIN HORN BLASTS)

(TRAIN WHOOSHES PAST)

JUDGE:
It seems to me, young man,

that your profound stupidity

is matched only by your good fortune.

I sentence you to 180 hours

of Community Payback.

If you don't carry out the required work,

you will come back here before me

and receive a custodial sentence.

Is that clear?

ALBERT:
No, not really.

The accused stole a yellow and blue

macaw from a pet shop

in the Gallowgate area of the city.

The bird was stuffed inside

a Marks & Spencer's carrier bag

with tail protruding.

On being asked for an explanation

by a police constable, the accused replied,

"Why don't you piss off and start hunting

rapists, mass murderers and perverts,

"YOU grumpy twat?"

MALE SOLICITOR:

The damage to the vending machine

was not as great as first feared, My Lord,

and it has been repaired

at very little cost.

It seems clear this of fence was committed,

unfortunately, through depression

and this recent violent outburst

is a desperate attempt

to get back inside the prison system.

PROSECUTOR:

This is a public order of fence, My Lord.

Climbing the statue of the Duke of

Wellington in the city centre.

The accused was under

the influence of drink and drugs.

He seems to bear a grudge

against public monuments.

On previous occasions he has put

a Scottish flag around Queen Victoria

and urinated on Donald Dewar.

The accused had a part-time cleaning job

three days a week.

But during this time she continued

to claim Social Security benefits.

Your Lordship will note there is

a considerable history

of fraudulent claims from the accused.

She seems unable to change her behaviour

of claiming benefits she's not entitled to.

As you will recall, My Lord,

this young man has pleaded guilty

to a violent and prolonged assault.

Now, it is accepted that the accused's

rivals in this case provoked the incident

but, at the same time, the severity

and viciousness of the accused's reaction

went far beyond self-defence.

Both the accused's rivals were assaulted

to their severe and permanent disfigurement.

Given his chaotic childhood, My Lord,

both Mr. Emmerson's parents

were frequently in and out of custody

during his formative years.

Um... he perhaps didn't

have the best start in life.

Your Lordship will note that,

following Mr. Emmerson's release

from Polmont Young Offenders Institution,

the last 10 months have been trouble-free,

Rate this script:(0.00 / 0 votes)