That's Carry On Page #7

Right. Give them three hearty

cheers, lads. Hip, hip...

Hooray!

( Commotion )

Lugger patrol? They're pirates!

Well, anyone can make a mistake.

Oh, you caught a cold in that one.

Darling, I can catch a cold anywhere.

Ooh, I do feel queer.

Oh, my dear! You've no idea

how much I've missed you.

Three years is a long time

to go without.

- Without what?

- Without the company a beautiful wife.

What about all those women abroad?

Mmm... There weren't any.

They don't have them abroad, you know.

They're a very bashful people there.

Really, Julius?

Really, darling.

( Door bursts open )

Sorry, sir, but what shall we

do with your woman here?

What is that?

Just a little thing I picked

up in Britain.

- It's for you.

- I don't want any of your pick-ups!

Citizens, today is your lucky day.

Top quality Britons, all fresh in today.

All right, there, citizens.

Here is another of our special offers.

Now, then. What am I bid for this...

for this er...

...for this?

One at a time, please, ladies.

Right. Now, come on. Who's

going to start the ball rolling, then?

Did I hear five sesterces?

- ( Silence )

- No, I didn't.

How did you get on?

I don't know. They just

stamped me with a little lion.

Look.

That means you'll be going

to the lions, mate.

- I hope they're a nice family.

- You'll find out.

Er, Hengist, what he means is, you're

to be thrown to the lions in the arena.

Oh, those lions... No!

Hengist! Well, it's quick, anyway.

The old head in the mouth a quick

snap of the old jaws and it's all over.

That's all very well, but how am I

going to get his head in my mouth?

# Trumpet fanfare #

Friends...

Romans...

- Countrymen.

- I know!

I have been away from you

now for three years.

( All cheer )

But now I am back!

( All blow raspberries )

You've never had it so good!

( Whispers ) Here's the door.

Strictly no admittance.

Vestal virgins and eunuchs only.

What are we?

Well, you should know!

Well, they must be somewhere around.

We'll have to chance it.

If anyone in there asks who we are,

say we're eunuchs.

Eh? Oh, yeah.

What have we got to lose?

# Trumpet fanfare #

CAESAR:
Aaah!

- Sir!

- Let me out of here.

It's a disgrace!

Guard the door. Let no-one enter.

O, wise daughters of the goddess Vesta,

grant me an augury.

Caesar! We shall all die for this!

Open up, I say, or must I enter?

Yes?

Oh, good evening. I wanted to ask...

Are you really a vestal virgin?

I'm sorry. Vestal virgins are off tonight.

Are my senses deserting me?

There's something funny

going on here.

Bilius... what are you doing

with you thing?

I'm sorry, sir, but for

the good of Rome, you must die.

But you're my personal bodyguard.

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