She's Funny That Way

---

I believe in happy endings.

And it's the only thing

that's ever made sense to me.

You know, I used to

lock myself in my room

and watch all the oldies on PBS.

We couldn't afford cable,

which was fine.

You know, who needs to watch

shows on teenage pregnancy

and kids living in the same house

screaming at each other?

In my neighborhood, that

was called wednesday.

Well, I used to escape with

Spencer Tracy and Kate Hepburn

and Fred Astaire spinning

Ginger Rogers on the dance floor

and Bogie finally plant

one on Lauren Bacall.

All in glorious black and white.

You like fairy tales?

I think we all need a little magic

from time to time, don't you think?

I mean, what would

Lana Turner have done

if Mervyn Leroy had

never gone into Schwab's

on Hollywood and Vine

and he saw her there,

drinking that coke.

She was discovered right there,

and that coke changed her life.

Well, so they tell the tourists,

because it wasn't Schwab's

It was actually a place called

top hat on Sunset and McCadden.

And it wasn't Mervyn Leroy,

it was actually a guy from

the Hollywood Reporter.

And her name wasn't

even Lana Turner then.

It was Judy... Actually

her real name was Julia.

But you knew all that, right?

You know, it doesn't really

have the same magic, though.

So you think you

got here by magic?

In its purest form.

I mean, there are

a thousand, no...

There are a million

lefts or rights.

Picking up instead

of dodging a call.

Deciding on indian

instead of italian.

You know, willing yourself to go

out, when all you want to do is sleep.

I can almost trace it back

to the very first step.

Blows my mind...

To think that just like Lana, a

chance encounter changed my life.

Of course, I always thought

the guy who would change my life

would be powerful

like Marlon Brando

or sparkle like Cary Grant

or smell like worn

leather like James Dean.

Mr. Albertson, do you

need me for anything else?

-I'm good. Fine. Thank you.

-Okay.

You never think it

will just be some guy

who looks like some guy

who's just as screwed

up as the rest of us.

Hello. I think I've a

reservation. Derek Thomas.

Yes, Mr. Thomas.

You're in suite 1369.

-Okay.

-Bellman.

-Thank you.

-Sure. Right this way.

-Where'd you fly in from?

-Los Angeles.

L.A. I've always

wanted to go there.

A lot of pretty girls.

Of course, there are a lot

of pretty girls everywhere.

That's one of the nice

things about the world.

So have you stayed

with us before, sir?

Yeah.

So, how's the

weather out there now?

You know, it's always

oppressively perfect.

Well, look who's here!

Seth, my darling. I thought

you were staying at the Pierre.

And I thought you

were at your in-laws.

No, not till tomorrow. That's

when Delta and the kids arrive.

I can't handle her

parents by myself.

-Man's best friend.

-This is Wilba.

So what are you doing

later? You want some dinner?

No, I'm so worn out.

Exhausted.

You know, jet lag

and everything.

It was a very tough

little picture.

No sleep. Hurt my back.

I better just take an epsom

salt bath and go straight to bed.

Goodnight. I will

see you at Rehearsals.

And why are you getting off?

I'm on this floor. 1317.

That's convenient. Okay.

I'm going to turn in.

Well, it's comforting to

know my director's close by.

-Love to Delta.

-Okay.

Actors...

Yeah, I know what you

mean. I'm an actor!

There's something special

about them, isn't there?

That's just what I meant.

What? We don't want to

buy anything so forget it!

I was raised in Brooklyn

with my parents,

which was tough, you know.

They stopped believing in

happy endings a long time ago.

Shut up! I can handle this.

No! You shut up.

But I try not to blame them.

Things started

out great for them,

like ma was crowned

miss Coney Island, 1974,

All because of pops.

He was one of the judges?

No. He was selling the

hot-dogs on the boardwalk,

but he watched the entire

pageant, and he sees my ma,

And he falls for

her, like, hard.

So he starts putting all this

rotten mustard in all the hot-dogs

and my ma is the only one

who doesn't run off the stage

clutching her stomach, so...

That sealed it.

But he had a million ideas

and he used to promise my ma that

it was only gonna be a matter of time

before one of them hit.

So she got a job washing

hair in a beauty salon

and she was waiting

and waiting...

And you know, twenty years go

by and she's still washing hair.

What does he do, your father?

He invents things.

Like what?

Do you know the glue stick?

He invented that?

No. He invented

the butter stick,

so you smooth it on

your toast real good.

But... I mean, it

was huge in Japan.

Hello, Vickie's.

Hi, Vickie. I'm

over at the Barclay

and I was calling

about the availability

of one of your escorts

for this evening.

Which one is that, sir?

From the webpage here.

Glo.

Can you hold on just

one minute? I'm sorry.

Yeah, okay.

-Hello?

-Mr. Albertson.

Who's this? Who is it?

It's me, dad. It's David.

David. Where are you?

Home. Geez, dad, where

do you think I am?

We're getting ready to leave.

You're leaving? I thought you guys

weren't arriving until tomorrow.

Yeah, dad, we're

just going to dinner.

Okay. David, do me a

favor and put your mom on.

Mom? I thought mom was with you.

-What?

-I'm kidding, dad.

-Just a minute.

-Hold it, David.

I'm sorry, just one

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes