Say It Isn't So Page #4

being put to sleep here

and I wish that I could take 'em

all home with me, but I can't.

And every time one of those animals dies,

I feel like a part of me dies too.

About a year ago, I wrote this poem

that I recite to all the dogs before they go.

It helps me and...

I like to think it helps them too.

I'd love to hear it.

No, it's not very good.

I don't care.

OK.

O noble creature

The time has come

For the two of us to part

And for you to go to a better place

A place deep inside my heart

A place where you'll be free to run

After a car or a bouncing ball

So go, noble creature

Through that doggy door

And fetch a stick that's thrown by God

And wag thy tail for ever more

While a friendly voice repeats:

"Good dog, good dog".

So that's it. And after I read it,

I usually fire off a one-gun salute

with a pistol we keep here at the shelter.

I know it sounds silly, but...

It doesn't sound silly.

Help.

Very funny.

This is a great day. It was a good idea.

- Shall we have the champagne?

- No.

Let's wait till later.

You know, the day I cut your ear off,

I never dreamed we'd be

spending six months together.

Yeah, that is pretty funny.

I've had such a good time with you,

just hanging out, having fun.

No strings attached.

Most guys are so possessive.

You know, they talk about marriage

before the first year is even up.

There was this one schmuck, he actually

went out and he got a plane and a banner.

It was so lame! Talk about pressure.

- I'd love to, Gilly.

- Love to what?

I'd love to marry you.

That's my Uncle Joe's plane up there.

Joseph Wingfield is your uncle.

I'm named after him.

You know, it probably

should have occurred to me.

Boy, you don't quit, do ya?

Oh, that's it. That's the spot.

Oh, don't go back there!

We gotta save some for the honeymoon.

What are you sayin', Gilly?

Nothin'. I was just...

messin' around with Ringo.

Hey, Jo.

Who's Jack?

- What Jack?

- You know.

On-your-ass Jack.

Well, he's my ex-boyfriend from Oregon.

I've been meaning to get it removed.

You're not jealous, are you?

You're the one with the half-naked

Suzanne Somers over his bed.

Come on. Now don't bad-mouth Suzanne.

She got me through

my awkward teenage years.

- Do you mean you beat off to her?

- Not to brag, but... up to five times a day.

Wow.

Do you wanna try to break that record?

Hey, it's Gilly. Leave a message.

Hey, Noble. It's Vic. I know it's early,

but are you there, buddy?

- Pick up. I got a package in the mail.

- I love you, Jo.

- Surprise! I found your mother.

- I love you, Gilly.

I touched all the bases on this one.

I'm 110 per cent sure.

Your mother's name is Valdine Wingfield.

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