Romulus, My Father

BOY:
Papi. Papi.

Shh.

(Whispers) Do they just

fall out of the hive?

Nothing's happening.

(Whispers) Just wait, Raimond.

They think it's the sun.

DOOR CREAKS:

For luck.

(Blows)

Wait on, boy.

Concentrating.

Whoo-hoo! (Laughs)

See you later, Jack.

Night, Mick.

Why do they all call you Jack?

That's my new Australian name.

What do you mean?

Maybe 'Romulus'

is too hard for them to say.

WOMEN GlGGLE

Those girls keep looking at you.

They are just nice people.

They like to be friendly.

(All laugh)

Muti!

(Kisses)

It's so nice to be home.

You haven't come home for ages.

Im sorry, darling.

Ive been so busy in Melbourne.

Doing what?

And...just a little spray

of this please, sir.

This?

Mm-hm.

Mmm.

And here.

Do I smell good?

Yep.

Yep? Are we ready to go, then?

Go where?

Aren't you taking me to dinner

in some fine restaurant, young man?

How's school?

Good.

Guess what?

Women smile at Papi.

A lot.

Really?

Yep.

I smiled at him once too, you know.

DOOR OPENS:

And look...

..here we all are.

Here we are.

Morning, Muti.

Morning.

SWlNG MUSIC PLAYS

Good.

Kick, kick, back.

(Laughs)

Whoo! (Laughs)

(Both pant and moan)

Cristal.

I miss you.

CHRISTINA:
We used to meet

in secret,

because if my parents had found out,

I would have been in big strife.

Because you were too young?

Yep.

And your father was not German,

he was Romanian.

And he was poor.

It was not allowed.

Why not?

It was a bad time.

We were crazy about each other.

And Ill tell you a secret.

He loved me so badly,

when I tried to leave him...

..he shot himself.

What?

Took a pistol, pointed it

to the side of his head

and then he just pulled the trigger

and... Bang!

But he missed! (Laughs)

The bullet just scratched his nose.

Bombs falling on our heads

out of the sky every night

and your poor crazy father

shoots himself in the nose.

(Laughs) Oh.

(Whispers) You think you can just

come here whenever you feel like it.

You don't write, nothing.

I shouldn't have to write.

You treat this place like a hotel.

Every time you come, Christina,

you cause trouble.

Yes, I always do or say

something wrong.

You had no right

to tell that story.

I love that story.

Why?

Because it reminds me...

Because you want him to think

Im crazy fool.

No!

Shooting myself.

I love that story because

it reminds me we were happy.

Why you do this?

All that matters is your feelings.

Look where they got you, Christina.

You and your bloody feelings.

Who cares about my feelings?

Well, go back to bloody Mitru, then.

(Whistles)

ROMULUS:
Raimond?

(Continues whistling)

Rai?

Coo-ee!

Hi, Vacek.

Here you are. Got you some eggs.

(Urinates)

Coo-ee!

WOMAN:
You're sure

you don't want a cuppa, Tom?

No, no, Im right.

We want you to eat until

you're as full as a goog.

Full as a tick, Id say.

(Both chuckle)

And how's your mother, Rai?

Oh, she's gone back to Melbourne.

When she comes to stay,

she and Papi sleep in the same bed.

Ah, yeah.

But she never stays very long.

I reckon we should live together

all the time.

Well, sometimes what you reckon and

what you get ain't the same thing.

So, it's just you

and your father again, then?

And Jack and Orloff.

Oh. And would the bird like tea too?

Yes, please, Miss Collard.

And cake?

Yep, he likes his cake.

Here, Jack.

Oh, well. (Laughs)

(Both chuckle)

(Children laugh and call out)

(Whistles piercingly)

Hora!

Hello, Fritz.

Hup, hup. Up. Hey!

Whoa! (Laughs)

(Laughs)

APPLAUSE ON RADIO

MAN ON RADIO:
Hi ho, everybody.

ALL:
Hi ho, Jack.

Welcome to 'The Dulux Show'.

Im thinking of sending him

to St Joseph's.

Well, that's good. Good education.

Steam engine.

Expensive.

Yes, but I have an idea.

Oh, yes.

Ohh!

I have to tell you something...

about Christina.

They've moved in together,

some place in Melbourne

and they're coming up here

to live in Maryborough.

Why?

Mitru's got himself

a job at the post office.

Im ashamed.

He's my brother, but Im ashamed.

Don't be. Hora, don't be.

RADIO PROGRAM CONTINUES PLAYING

It will be alright, huh?

Raimond, they've got

a new egg board in Castlemaine.

Yeah?

Shall we sell eggs?

CHICKENS CLUCK AND SQUAWK

Go, you stupid chicken. Come here!

Go, go, go, go, go.

Go, go, go.

(Squawks)

Holy moley!

There's billions of them.

They're all over the place.

Now you need to wash off

all the sh*t.

(Laughs)

(Raimond mimics racing car)

Come on, come on.

Go, go, go, go, go.

(All cheer and laugh)

(Whistles)

ROMULUS:
Hey, Raimond, be careful.

Those eggs are sending you

through boarding school.

SPLAT!

Sorry.

RAIMOND:
Papi.

Papi!

Look! Papi!

Papi?

HORA:
She's crazy. She's crazy.

Tell me you're not

going to agree to this.

Raimond needs to see his mother.

Yes, of course,

but is it right that she comes here

in front of you and your son...

No matter what she's done,

we're still family.

..with my brother, to sit at

your table, under your roof?

(Speaks Romanian)

These things don't change.

Tell me you're joking.

She's my wife.

But does she behave like your wife?

You just keep forgiving her, Gaita,

no matter what it costs.

What more can I say?

You've said enough.

So, where are we all going to sleep?

Raimond.

You, Muti and Mitru

can have the bedroom.

Be quiet and finish your dinner.

That's very kind of you, Rai,

but Ill sleep in the spare room.

Bet you don't know

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