Norm Macdonald: Hitler's Dog, Gossip & Trickery Page #3

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Then it's time to go down to

the rope store in my opinion, because...

...it's not going to get better, you know?

Go to the rope store -

that's my suggestion to you...

and get a hunk of rope about this big...

and then go to the rickety-stool store.

And, listen, it's no coincidence

that the rope store

and the rickety-stool store

are always right beside each other, right?

I don't want to get political

or anything like that, but...

When people commit suicide, no one

ever understands. You know what I mean?

People commit suicide and people go,

"I don't understand why,"

and I go, "You don't?"

"What, do you live in a cotton-candy house

or something? What the f***?"

"You don't know about life?"

"How it only disappoints and...

gets worse and worse,

until it ends in a catastrophe?"

"What the f***?"

There's two reasons

guys will hang themselves from the neck.

One is, like we said,

to escape this worthless masquerade

of a life we pretend we have.

And the second reason we hang ourselves

from the neck is to whack off.

These guys...

...I don't understand.

It's called autoerotic asphyxiation.

It's a big, fancy word,

but it's a filthy thing.

And this is my problem with it.

The risk-reward...

...is not good.

And I know of the reward

because I read about it.

Apparently, by cutting off the oxygen,

or something like that,

you increase your orgasm

until it's

one-and-a-half times as powerful

as the one you had

the Thursday before last.

Is that really that important?

I mean,

we have a lot of things in this country.

You know, it's raining in the forest.

There's all kinds of sh*t we have

to think about... let alone whacking off.

That's our big problem?

But the risk - good Lord!

People always wonder,

"What happens after you die?"

No one knows, you know?

People pretend to know,

but no one knows

what happens after you die.

But I know what happens to you

right after you die.

I know what happens

directly after you die.

You are found.

And this is where it gets tricky.

And it's always by a loved one.

You know?

And you don't want your son walking in,

going, "Ah! What the f***?"

"What the f*** is Dad...

What kind... Huh?"

And that's how you'll be remembered

forever, you know?

It doesn't matter

what else you accomplish in life.

See, people are under the misapprehension

that their life is like a motion picture

that will be remembered as such,

but it's not.

It's just a photograph, you know?

A still photograph,

and that's unfortunately how it is.

But, you know, like,

if you think your son

will remember you as,

"I remember my dad took me

to Disneyland in the blistering heat,

and, by God, he stood in line

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