
Maria Bamford: Old Baby
- TV-MA
- Year:
- 2017
- 64 min
- 41 Views
1
I always like to tell audiences...
pre-program,
just in case you're brought
here by a friend.
Sometimes friends lead us astray.
I had two very close friends.
My parents invite me to go see a film.
I said, "Of course
I'll go see that movie with you,
because you love me.
Why on earth would
you want to see me suffer?"
And then I sat through
Steven Spielberg's War Horse,
which, if you haven't seen,
as far as I'm concerned,
is a 14-hour, real-time documentary
about a gentle horse struggling in vain
This may be your war horse.
If that's the case,
do as I did.
Take a lap outside.
Get yourself a treat.
There's probably a CVS
or a Rite Aid selling ice cream... nearby
because you're a good friend.
You took a risk.
And in fact,
your relationship has only grown deeper,
because now you know
you have different senses of humor
when it comes to certain types
of stand-up comedy.
Oh! What a stinging broth intimacy can be.
[mimics shivering]
That's who you are.
That's it.
Did you know that on Netflix,
it is possible to run out
of genocide documentaries?
And I've got to fill
my queue with something.
How else am I gonna feel that contentment
that comes from the perception
I'm not about to kill millions of people,
nor are millions
My queue kept suggesting a reality show
called Say Yes to the Dress Atlanta,
which is a show wherein young ladies
pick out gowns for their nuptials.
And it's very similar
to a genocide documentary,
[deep voice] in that no one
is learning from history!
[Southern accent] It's my day,
it's the most important
day in a woman's life.
Absolute power corrupts absolutely.
[grunts]
[deep low voice]
I just want a pretty dress.
Bigger than the other dresses.
Bigger than the other dresses.
Yep.
[snoring]
I just got married last year.
Uh... As an older bride.
What is that, a specter from the attic?
And, uh...
The thing is,
what you might ask, is...
Whoa.
The reason it happened
was I had an epiphany.
I was so sick of myself
asking that question
of people in relationships:
"How did you guys meet?
Did your hands come together
by accident in a garden?"
And what do people
in relationships always say?
They always say,
"Um, well, we just met
and we genuinely liked each other,
and, you know, there's ups and downs.
[chuckles]
We like each other, so we stay together."
Oh.
Oh, I'm sorry if you're bored
with your miracle!
And it seems like to me romance
takes a lot more than that.
Like, you gotta want it, but no.
Be available.
Too busy.
He's the one.
But that's the deal breaker.
The odds of falling in love
with the perfect person
at the perfect time
are about the odds of, I don't know,
being discovered in Hollywood.
Wait a minute.
I asked a similarly desperate question
for many years,
which was,
how do you make it in show business?
Do you move to San Diego
and disguise yourself as a bush?
[laughs]
Moving slowly northward
beneath the cover of dusk?
[audience laughs]
And what do famous people always say?
They always say,
"Well, do you enjoy doing it?"
Great.
Good.
Isn't it fun, yeah, just keep doing it.
Just keep it doing, you know,
and, um...
if you don't enjoy it,
please, you know, stop.
But no one can ever
take that away from you.
You get to do it, and it's a privilege.
And just,
you know,
pretty soon you've been
doing it a long time, you go, whoa this,
this is what I do.
This is what I've done with my life.
Best of luck.
[laughing]
Which is profoundly true.
Is that what a relationship is?
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Citation
Use the citation below to add this screenplay to your bibliography:
"Maria Bamford: Old Baby" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2021. Web. 17 Jan. 2021. <https://www.scripts.com/script/maria_bamford:_old_baby_13374>.