Let's Kill Ward's Wife

Synopsis: Ward's wife is a bitch. Everyone knows it. Including Ward. After numerous conversations and ruminations on the subject amongst Ward's colorful group of friends, a fortuitous accident leads to a whole new world of problems and possibilities.
Genre: Comedy, Crime
Director(s): Scott Foley
Production: Tribeca Film
Rotten Tomatoes:
82 min

Okay, everybody!



Thanks for coming.

Um, so this is

a really big day for me.

Uh, I guess. Well, duh.

'Cause it's

my only son's baptism.

Yay. Ooh-ooh!


I love paper.

I do. It's, like, my passion.

And I've always wanted

to own my own papiere.

Not that you care,

because I don't...

I don't tell people that, because

people steal ideas all the time.

It's happened to me

numerous occasions with... what?

Huh? What did you say?

You just said something. What?

I didn't say anything.

Yes, you did. You made, like,

a noise or something. I...




- God, um...

- You were saying?

I know what I'm saying!

I know what I'm saying.

Just let me say it.

I had this whole thing prepared

about god and paper and love

and godparents,

and it was all tied in together.

Now I can't do it now.

I can't do it now.

So, um...

You know what?

You can say something.


Say it. Okay. Okay.

I'll just plate the cake.

We would like to thank...

no, not "we," ward.

I wanted to say something,

and you ruined it.

You didn't let me say it,

so now it's on you.

You can fucking say something,

you asshole.

Thank you all for coming. Uh...

I thought that we

could be so much more

we've got cake! Right.

I just wanna smash

her fucking face

right in that fucking cake.

I put my heart into that

speech, and you ruined it.

Honey, I didn't say...

you gonna let her up?

I wouldn't. F*ck her.

Are you sure

it's not in your bag?

Yeah, honey, I'm sure. You said

you saw it in the bathroom?

I never said that.

You're nervous.

No, I'm not... I'm not

nervous, I'm excited.

I mean, it's robin peters,

you know?

I don't even remember

the last thing she was in.

How does she look these days?

Well, here.

Pretty good.


Do you think she has implants?

Maybe I should get implants.

Maybe her, not you.

Well, it looks like it.

See if you can tell,

but don't be obvious.

Can you give me a break?

Babe, I checked there.


Well, thank you.

All right.

I love you.

I will see you later.

I love you too.

Maybe we can do

some loving tonight?

Yeah. Okay.

Lily, come on, honey.

We gotta move.

Hello? Y... oh.

Sorry. Hey.

Uh, yeah, yeah. I got it all.

Got her lunch, her snack,

got all her shit.

What? She can't hear me. She's

in the other room. Shh, shh.

I'm right here.

She just rounded the corner.

We got it. We'll be there.

Traitor. Potty mouth.

Honey... again!

Chicken wrap, all white,

no tomato, salsa... extra salsa.

On the side!

Christ! On the side!

On the side. I got it, babe.

Morning. Morning, Stacy.

Apparently I'm

your number one neighbor.

You got a tough one there, my friend.


Late start for you, huh?

Nah, I just forgot my shades.

Oh, there you go.

You know, you got

a brake light out there, ward.


Yep. Brake light is out.

I'm gonna need to see

you driver's license

and registration.

Okay. I got...

hold it. Give me a second.

Ward. Yeah?

I'm kidding. I'm your neighbor.

You have a good day, my friend.

Thanks, Bruce.



You know what the fucking problem is?

Good morning.

Every fucking morning,

I spend nearly $3

for my iced coffee, mind you,

which is the same as the drip,

which is given to you at the

counter, where you pay.

But is my iced coffee

given to me at the counter?

I am guessing no.

Do you know how long it takes

to make a blended drink?

Uh, seven hours.

F*ck you. A long fucking time.

These people move

with the urgency of a glacier.

Hold on. Hey, you need a hand?

Oh, I got it. You sure?

Mm-hmm. How's your iced coffee?

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Scott Foley

Scott Kellerman Foley (born July 15, 1972) is an American actor, director, and screenwriter. Foley is known for roles in television shows such as The Unit, Felicity, and Scandal, and in films such as Scream 3. He has also guest starred in series including Dawson's Creek and House. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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    "Let's Kill Ward's Wife" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2021. Web. 11 Apr. 2021. <https://www.scripts.com/script/let's_kill_ward's_wife_12487>.

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