Let's Go to Prison Page #4

from 20 paces,

and there's no way in hell

he'd do something crazy

like sell pot to them.

Unless he actually

wanted to go to jail.

You guys should

probably take off.

What for?

Those two clowns

I just sold grass to

are cops.

You didn't buy that whole

Cheech and Chong routine,

did you?

(BANGING ON DOOR)

I can't believe they fell

for the Cheech and Chong bit.

OFFICER:
Police! Open up!

Come on, John!

(BANGING ON DOOR)

OFFICER:
Open the door

or we're coming in.

JOHN:
I guess

sometimes when fate

knocks on your door,

it has a search warrant.

I'll go to jail.

I'll get bunked up

with Nelson Biederman IV

and I'll make sure

he gets the full treatment.

Yup. My whole life's

been leading up to this.

Guilty as hell.

Guilty?

Now if we could

discuss sentencing?

Save it, Lyshitski.

How does seven-to-ten

work for you?

Not as good

as one-to-three.

Five-to-seven?

I'll settle for three-to-five,

but wait. There's more.

What's that?

I want to do my time

in Rossmore.

You actually want to go to

Rossmore Penitentiary? Why?

Three words, sister.

Location, location, location.

Hey. John Lyshitski.

What's your name?

Nelson Biederman IV.

Where you heading?

Prison.

(SCOFFS)

Me, too.

Tell you what,

we should be cellmates.

I don't snore

and I'm a pretty

quiet masturbator.

Hell, I'll even

give you the top bunk.

Thanks.

Thanks for

talking to me.

Last couple days

in the holding cell,

some of these

gang members

were really giving me

the cold shoulder.

It's inexcusable.

That's what I thought.

I mean,

why be that way?

WARDEN:

Welcome to your new home.

Let me start off by saying

that if any one of you

is innocent,

just raise your hand.

You'll be free to go.

MAN 1:
Come on, baby!

You gonna be mine!

Yeah, we're tossing salad!

That's what I'm talking about!

Put your little finger up,

baby! Yeah!

You gonna be my b*tch

up in here!

(GRUNTS)

That was my little joke.

I have a notoriously

dry sense of humor.

All right.

Here's how it's gonna work.

If you make

my life difficult,

I will make your life

exponentially more painful.

MAN 2:
Yeah!

If you have a complaint,

all you have to do,

write it down

on a piece of paper,

put it in an envelope

and stick it up

your a**hole.

MAN 3:

Give me some brown sugar!

Tell them how we do it, boy!

(CHUCKLING)

If you feel that you've

been treated unfairly,

write it neatly on some paper,

fold it up real good,

pull your cheeks apart

and stick it up your a**hole.

If you have comments

or suggestions about

how I run my prison

or, let's say,

maybe the cuisine

is not to your liking,

please write a letter

to my office.

Just make sure that

under "return address,"

Rate this script:2.0 / 1 vote