Kevin James Never Don't Give Up Page #3

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In the arena after, like,

twisting a tiger's neck, and he's like,

"What's that? Coffee with half-and-half?

I can't have that. I get booboo belly.

I can't do it. I'm lactose intolerant.

I'm lactose intolerant.

Do you have a non-dairy creamer?

Can you get a non-dairy creamer?"

Where are the men?

Where have they gone?

Know what I think of men?

I think of that picture in the 1930s

of those construction workers

sitting high above New York City,

right, sitting on that steel beam.

Right.

Just eating their lunch.

They're eating their lunch.

Can you imagine

if the fifth guy in was like, "Hey...

Is this cheddar cheese on my sandwich?

I can't have this.

I'm lactose intolerant."

"Is that like polio?"

"No! I get yucky tummy.

"You guys got to scootch over!

Move your knees, I gotta get by.

I gotta get by, guys!

Let me by. Can you guys let me by?"

"We gotta lower the beam!"

They would throw him off the back

of that beam!

Lactose int-- there is not

a more annoying group on the planet.

Check that, a gluten douche.

My apologies, the gluten douche trumps

the lactose intolerant.

Because the lactose intolerant

is just annoying,

but a gluten douche is a night-wrecker.

Right? 'Cause they'll make you

switch restaurants. They'll be...

"I don't like this. Can we go where

they have some gluten-free options?

Do you mind if we switch restaurants?"

"No! Order what you want,

I'll eat the gluten out of it.

I'll regurgitate it

and feed you like a baby owl."

I made the mistake of picking

a restaurant. You can't do that.

I went with two guys.

I didn't even know them.

One was a gluten douche,

the other was lactose intolerant.

I chose a pizza restaurant! They're...

They're each tying to outdo each other.

"I can't have bread.

My stomach will bloat."

The other guy's like, "Can't have cheese.

I'll have to change my pants!"

One and up.

Out of the shadows like a ghost,

a guy with a nut allergy came over.

Yo, the nut allergy is the King Kong

of food allergies!

He was like,

"I'm sorry, you got some food problems?

Can I explain something to you?

Let me break it down for you, okay?

If I eat a nut...

I die. I die!

If a fork touches a nut

in this restaurant,

and I use that fork you gotta

jab an EpiPen into my chest

'cause I am on my way to the afterlife.

If the soil

where this building was built upon

ever harvested a nut or a seed

of some sort,

and I come in contact with it,

I'll melt into a pile of flesh.

If college kids are driving by

on the local highway,

and one tosses out a peanut shell

and the dust from that shell...

works its way through the air

and latches onto a nasal hair

and shimmies its way up,

I will explode!

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