Jim Gaffigan: Noble Ape




That's Mom and Dad.

[hip-hop music]

Ladies and gentlemen,

Jim Gaffigan!

[cheers and applause]

Thank you!

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Oh, my gosh,

you make me feel

only 20 pounds overweight.

"Oh, look at his beard.


He's got quite a beard.

He looks like an out of shape

Civil War general."

My dearest Peggy...

it has been a fortnight

since I have had a salad.

I love my beard.

You grow a beard

and strangers are fascinated.

I have strangers

coming up to me,

"Hey, why'd you grow

your beard out?"

"I joined Al-Qaeda."

"Don't even joke around

about that."

But you can ask

about facial hair, right?

You can't be like,

"Hey, how long you had

the man boobs?

Are they natural?"

Now you're looking

at my man boobs.

To me

they're beautiful.

When do I get a Dove commercial?

I'm talking about

the Dove ice cream bar

which barely cleans your body

and is less racist.

Thank you for coming out.

It is great to be here.

Thank you so much.

It is...

It's been a crazy year for me.

Crazy year.

I don't know if you know,

in April it was discovered

my wife had a brain tumor.

I'm not even making this up.

It was removed.

She's great.

-Everything's good. Thank you.

-[cheers and applause]

I didn't remove it.

I was in the other room

soiling myself, but...

the tumor is gone

along with my ability

to ever win another argument.

It's not like I was winning

a lot before,

but now I'm retired.

And luckily my wife's

not the type to bring it up.

Well, once she did.

She was like, "You know,

I did have brain surgery."

And I couldn't be like,

"Yeah, that was like

a month ago.

It's time to move on,

you know?

What about my

seasonal allergies?

We all have our cross to bear."

It was crazy.

You know,

the surgeon told me the tumor

was the size of a pear--

which is scary,

but also confusing.

I was like,

"Did he go to med school

or a farmer's market?"

But tumors are often compared

to fruit.

A pear, a lemon,

a grapefruit.

Interesting fact,

worst tumor, grapefruit.

Worst fruit, grapefruit.

When you think about it,

a grapefruit looks more

like a tumor

than a fruit.

I must feel sorry

for grapefruit.

"Yeah, we can't win,

you know?

We're already the worst fruit,

now we're compared

to the worst tumor?

Well, at least we help

old people poop."

That is the worst impression

of a grapefruit ever.

It's kind of unfortunate

that there's another fruit

that's much smaller

named "grape"

'cause you know there's

situations in doctor's offices,

"We found a tumor,

it's the size of a grape--"

"Thank God."

"I didn't finish...


"Oh, that's--

that's very different."

It was strange.

You know, when the doctor

told me the tumor

was the size of a pear,

I thought, "Wow, I guess doctors

are bad at analogies."

But I quickly realized

they're just dumbing it down

for idiots like me.

Like the surgeon looked at me

and thought,

"Well, this guy's not gonna

understand centimeters.

I don't even wanna try

and explain circumference.

Based on appearance,

he doesn't eat fruit, but...

he's probably seen a pear...

when he's at the grocery store

buying ice cream."

I don't know why the surgeon

sounds like Andy Rooney.

[as Andy Rooney]

You ever notice tumors

look like fruit?

[normal voice] By the way,

if you don't know

who Andy Rooney is,

you're a child.

And if you do know

who Andy Rooney is,

you should probably eat

more grapefruit.

Tumors compared to fruit.


They're sometimes

compared to balls

like a golf ball

or a softball,

but the surgeon looked at me

Rate this script:(4.67 / 3 votes)


Translate and read this script in other languages:

Select another language:

  • - Select -
  • 简体中文 (Chinese - Simplified)
  • 繁體中文 (Chinese - Traditional)
  • Español (Spanish)
  • Esperanto (Esperanto)
  • 日本語 (Japanese)
  • Português (Portuguese)
  • Deutsch (German)
  • العربية (Arabic)
  • Français (French)
  • Русский (Russian)
  • ಕನ್ನಡ (Kannada)
  • 한국어 (Korean)
  • עברית (Hebrew)
  • Gaeilge (Irish)
  • Українська (Ukrainian)
  • اردو (Urdu)
  • Magyar (Hungarian)
  • मानक हिन्दी (Hindi)
  • Indonesia (Indonesian)
  • Italiano (Italian)
  • தமிழ் (Tamil)
  • Türkçe (Turkish)
  • తెలుగు (Telugu)
  • ภาษาไทย (Thai)
  • Tiếng Việt (Vietnamese)
  • Čeština (Czech)
  • Polski (Polish)
  • Bahasa Indonesia (Indonesian)
  • Românește (Romanian)
  • Nederlands (Dutch)
  • Ελληνικά (Greek)
  • Latinum (Latin)
  • Svenska (Swedish)
  • Dansk (Danish)
  • Suomi (Finnish)
  • فارسی (Persian)
  • ייִדיש (Yiddish)
  • հայերեն (Armenian)
  • Norsk (Norwegian)
  • English (English)

Discuss this Jim Gaffigan: Noble Ape script with the community:


Use the citation below to add this screenplay to your bibliography:


"Jim Gaffigan: Noble Ape" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2020. Web. 19 Sep. 2020. <https://www.scripts.com/script/jim_gaffigan%3A_noble_ape_11290>.

We need you!

Help us build the largest writers community and scripts collection on the web!

Watch the movie trailer

Jim Gaffigan: Noble Ape

The Marketplace:

Sell your Script !

Get listed in the most prominent screenplays collection on the web!

The Studio:

ScreenWriting Tool

Write your screenplay and focus on the story with many helpful features.

Thanks for your vote! We truly appreciate your support.