Jerry Seinfeld: 'I'm Telling You for the Last Time' Page #4

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That's why you have to teach kids

not to take candy from a stranger

if they're playing in the playground,

because they're such candy

idiot moron brains...

They're just:
"This man has candy,

I'm going with him."

"Goodbye. Whatever happens to me.

Get candy, get candy..."

"Don't go! They'll torture you,

they'll kidnap you."

"It doesn't matter, he has an 'Old Henry'.

I have to take that chance."

"Get candy, get candy..."

So the first time you hear the concept

of Halloween when you're a kid

your brain can't even process the information.

You're like:
"What is this? What did you say?"

"What did you say about giving out candy?

Who's giving out candy?"

"Everyone that we know

is just giving out candy?"

"Are you kidding me? When is this happening?

Where? Why? Take me with you!"

"I gotta be a part of this.

I'll do anything that they want."

"I can wear that."

"I'll wear anything I have to wear."

"I'll do anything I'll have to do

to get the candy from those fools"

"that are so stupid they're giving it away."

So, the first couple of years I made

my own costumes which of course sucked:

the ghost, the hobo...

Then, finally, the third year,

begging the parents

I've got the Superman Halloween costume,

not surprisingly.

Cardboard box, self-made top, mask included.

Remember the rubber band on

the back of that mask?

That was a quality item there, wasn't it?

That was good about 10 seconds before it

snapped out of that cheap little staple

they put it in there with.

You go to your first house: "Trick or..." Snap!

"It broke. I don't believe it!"

"Wait up, you guys! I gotta fix it!"

"Hey, wait up! Wait up!"

That's what kids say.

They don't say:
"Wait!"

They say:
"Wait up! Hey, wait up!"

'Cause when you're little,

your life is up, the future is up,

everything you want is up.

"Wait up, hold up, shut up."

"Mamma, clean up", "Let me stay up."

For parents, of course,

everything is just the opposite.

Everything is down.

"Just calm down", "Slow down",

"Come down here"

"Sit down", "Put that down"

So I had my little costume,

I was physically ready,

I was preparing myself,

I did not try on the costume

prior to Halloween.

Do you remember...

This is an obscure one but...

On the side of the box,

I remember from my Superman costume,

it actually said:

"Do not attempt to fly!"

They printed that as a warning

'cause kids would put it on and...

going off the roofs.

I love the idea of the kid who's

stupid enough to think he actually is Superman

but smart enough to check that box

before he goes off the roof.

"Let me see if it says

anything about me being Superman..."

"Oh, wait a second here, I..."

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