JB Smoove: That's How I Dooz It Page #2

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I was in L.A., man.

I saw a handsome homeless guy.

This dude was like this here.

Uh-huh, like this.

"You ain't got

no change at all?

"Come on, you got something.

Don't you got something?

No change?"

L.A. Is a trip, boy!

All day in L.A., all you see

in L.A. Is kidnappings

and high-speed car chases.

Yeah, boy.

They love to take your ass

in L.A., right?

But I'll tell you

one thing, man.

It's not a whole lot of kids.

The bad part about these

kidnappings nowadays,

a lot of grown-ass people

getting kidnapped.

You 35 Goddamn years old

and your ass get kidnapped,

you missin', it's your fault!

I'm not gonna blame

a damn kidnapper.

It's your fault, 'cause your ass

ain't paying attention

to your surroundings.

If you walkin'

down the damn street

and there's a dude

riding on a sidewalk

with two wheels on the curb

riding the same speed

you walking like this,

that's bad news.

If you got a late-model,

black-ass van,

let me tell you

something right now.

Late-model black-ass vans

ain't never been associated

with anything but bad news.

A black-ass van

roll up, right?

It's got that big-ass,

old-ass door, right?

The big, old...

I'm talking about 1980

and lower black-ass van,

with the click, click...

[imitates whooshing]

"Get your ass in here!"

[Imitates whooshing]

[Imitates breaks squealing]

Three seconds,

your ass is taken.

Those new vans, the f***ing door

move too damn slow.

You got to press

the damn button,

and the door do this

right here.

You be like...

"Aah!

He's trying to take me!"

"Go, go, go!

Close the f***ing door.

Close the Goddamn door!"

[Imitates tires squealing]

Be mad as hell.

"She saw my Goddamn face.

"I told you 1980 and lower!

"You pop in

with a brand-new-ass minivan.

"She saw my damn face!

"She had time to get

in the van,

"look at me again,

and time to get the hell out

before the damn door closed."

Them damn police officers, ooh.

The L.A. Police

are notorious.

They don't give a f***

about your ass.

Cops do not like chasing

your ass.

They get mad

when they got to chase your ass.

Right?

They don't mind the car.

They don't mind riding

in a slow-speed car chase

or a high-speed car chase.

The car might run out of gas,

or the spike strip's gonna bust

the tires or something, right?

But when you hop out

that damn car...

let me tell you something...

a cop get madder

than a motherf***er.

They be like this...

"God damn."

[Inhales sharply]

"He done hopped out

the Goddamn car."

Cops get pissed off.

You know why?

'Cause cops got a ton

of bullshit on their belt.

This sh*t heavy.

This sh*t heavy as hell.

It's a whole lot of sh*t

on that damn belt.

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