EXT. PARK - DAY
We float down through a serene, leafy park to the
children's play area. There, in the sandbox, a BEAUTIFUL
FIVE YEAR OLD GIRL plays among a group of kids.
I have a theory about how this all
A SIX YEAR OLD BOY approaches. He watches the little
girl for a moment as she gently shapes her sand castle.
And then - out of nowhere - THE LITTLE BOY PUSHES THE
LITTLE GIRL DOWN.
Why did you do that?
Because you smell like dog poo.
Some of the other kids SNICKER at this brilliant oneliner.
Our little girl's face turns red.
LITTLE BOY (CONT'D)
You're so stupid just like dog poo!
You're made of poo!
And then, just to punctuate, he JUMPS ON THE SANDCASTLE,
smashing it. Finally, our little girl starts to CRY.
INT. KITCHEN - DAY
Our beautiful girl sits at a kitchen table with her MOM.
She can only get out one syllable between big, wet sobs.
Made. (SOB) Of. (SOB) Dog. (SOB) Poo.
Honey, do you know why that little boy
did those things? And said those things?
The little girl shakes her head no.
Because he LIKES YOU.
FREEZE FRAME ON OUR LITTLE GIRL'S FACE - TRYING TO
Uh - excuse me -- but what - the - HELL?
Where did that rumor start? Because moms
have been spreading it for years.
BACK TO THE SCENE - THE MOM CONTINUES...
That little boy is doing those terrible
things because he HAS A CRUSH ON YOU.
We see our little girl take this in, like she is just now
beginning to understand the ways of the world.
Do you understand what this means? We
are all encouraged to believe that if a
guy acts like a total jerk -- that means
he likes you. Sure, that's a lesson that
might serve us as five year olds, but
many of us keep believing this advice
well into adulthood.
INT. DORM ROOM - NIGHT
A CUTE COLLEGE GIRL sits CRYING in front of her ANSWERING
MACHINE, as her ROOMMATE looks on.
Then, as we get older, we carry on this
tradition of misreading the signals men
send by encouraging our friends to do the
The machine evilly flashes 0 in the NEW MESSAGES window.
That Phi Delt so obviously liked you.
I’m sure he just lost your number.
INT. HIGH RISE OFFICE - DAY
A HOT EXECUTIVE WOMAN stands in the office hallway,
watching a SEXY MALE COLLEAGUE walk by. He does not give
her a second glance. Her FEMALE SECRETARY looks on.
He's not asking you out because he's
intimidated by your professional success
and emotional maturity.
INT. BAR - NIGHT
A BUNCH OF TWENTY-SOMETHINGS sipping cocktails. One of
them is CRYING - smeared mascara, puffy eyes, etc.
CUTE TWENTYSOMETHING #1
Here's the problem. He likes you TOO
much. You're TOO pretty and awesome. He
can't handle it.
INT. BURGER KING - DAY
TWO FEMALE CASHIERS WORK SIDE BY SIDE.
Trust me. It’s because he’s just getting
out of a serious relationship.
INT. GYM - DAY
TWO MIDDLE AGED WOMEN work out on ellipticals.
MIDDLE AGED WOMAN #1
Trust me. It's because he's never had a
INT. JAPANESE DEPARTMENT STORE - DAY
TWO HIPSTER JAPANESE GIRLS making their way through a
crowded Tokyo department store.
TOKYO GIRL #1 (SUBTITLE)
Shigeru's inability to commit clearly
stems from his failure to properly
imprint on his mother during breast
EXT. FRENCH POLYNESIA - DAY
A PRETTY YOUNG WOMAN weaves BANANA LEAVES with a FRIEND.
I'm sure he forgot your hut number. Or
didn't get enough approval from his
father. Or was eaten by a giraffe.