He's Just Not That Into You

EXT. PARK - DAY

We float down through a serene, leafy park to the

children's play area. There, in the sandbox, a BEAUTIFUL

FIVE YEAR OLD GIRL plays among a group of kids.

GIGI (V.O.)

I have a theory about how this all

started...

A SIX YEAR OLD BOY approaches. He watches the little

girl for a moment as she gently shapes her sand castle.

And then - out of nowhere - THE LITTLE BOY PUSHES THE

LITTLE GIRL DOWN.

LITTLE GIRL:

Why did you do that?

LITTLE BOY:

Because you smell like dog poo.

Some of the other kids SNICKER at this brilliant oneliner.

Our little girl's face turns red.

LITTLE BOY (CONT'D)

You're so stupid just like dog poo!

You're made of poo!

And then, just to punctuate, he JUMPS ON THE SANDCASTLE,

smashing it. Finally, our little girl starts to CRY.

INT. KITCHEN - DAY

Our beautiful girl sits at a kitchen table with her MOM.

She can only get out one syllable between big, wet sobs.

LITTLE GIRL:

Made. (SOB) Of. (SOB) Dog. (SOB) Poo.

MOM:

Honey, do you know why that little boy

did those things? And said those things?

The little girl shakes her head no.

MOM (CONT'D)

Because he LIKES YOU.

FREEZE FRAME ON OUR LITTLE GIRL'S FACE - TRYING TO

PROCESS THIS.

GIGI (V.O.)

Uh - excuse me -- but what - the - HELL?

Where did that rumor start? Because moms

have been spreading it for years.

BACK TO THE SCENE - THE MOM CONTINUES...

MOM:

That little boy is doing those terrible

things because he HAS A CRUSH ON YOU.

We see our little girl take this in, like she is just now

beginning to understand the ways of the world.

GIGI (V.O.)

Do you understand what this means? We

are all encouraged to believe that if a

guy acts like a total jerk -- that means

he likes you. Sure, that's a lesson that

might serve us as five year olds, but

many of us keep believing this advice

well into adulthood.

INT. DORM ROOM - NIGHT

A CUTE COLLEGE GIRL sits CRYING in front of her ANSWERING

MACHINE, as her ROOMMATE looks on.

GIGI (V.O.)

Then, as we get older, we carry on this

tradition of misreading the signals men

send by encouraging our friends to do the

same...

The machine evilly flashes 0 in the NEW MESSAGES window.

ROOMMATE #1

That Phi Delt so obviously liked you.

I’m sure he just lost your number.

INT. HIGH RISE OFFICE - DAY

A HOT EXECUTIVE WOMAN stands in the office hallway,

watching a SEXY MALE COLLEAGUE walk by. He does not give

her a second glance. Her FEMALE SECRETARY looks on.

SECRETARY:

He's not asking you out because he's

intimidated by your professional success

and emotional maturity.

INT. BAR - NIGHT

A BUNCH OF TWENTY-SOMETHINGS sipping cocktails. One of

them is CRYING - smeared mascara, puffy eyes, etc.

CUTE TWENTYSOMETHING #1

Here's the problem. He likes you TOO

much. You're TOO pretty and awesome. He

can't handle it.

INT. BURGER KING - DAY

TWO FEMALE CASHIERS WORK SIDE BY SIDE.

CASHIER #1

Trust me. It’s because he’s just getting

out of a serious relationship.

INT. GYM - DAY

TWO MIDDLE AGED WOMEN work out on ellipticals.

MIDDLE AGED WOMAN #1

Trust me. It's because he's never had a

serious relationship.

INT. JAPANESE DEPARTMENT STORE - DAY

TWO HIPSTER JAPANESE GIRLS making their way through a

crowded Tokyo department store.

TOKYO GIRL #1 (SUBTITLE)

Shigeru's inability to commit clearly

stems from his failure to properly

imprint on his mother during breast

feeding.

EXT. FRENCH POLYNESIA - DAY

A PRETTY YOUNG WOMAN weaves BANANA LEAVES with a FRIEND.

FRIEND (SUBTITLE)

I'm sure he forgot your hut number. Or

didn't get enough approval from his

father. Or was eaten by a giraffe.

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