George Carlin: Doin' It Again Page #4

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Those dogs are great,

they'll break the ice

when a new

neighbor comes to call.

Hi, we're the Johnsons.

What's his name?

Ball Sniffer.

He's a crotch hound.

Let me know if you

want to get circumcised,

he's on duty

till 5:
00 o'clock.

Dogs are a constant

source of entertainment.

Did you ever have a

dog that ate cat turds?

Some of them do,

some of you must know that?

Did you ever have a

dog eat cat turds?

Yeah.

Of course you got to

have a cat, you know.

You can't be buying cat

turds at the supermarket.

But it's true, some dogs

will eat cat turds, yeah.

Don't let them

lick you that day.

Get a bottle of

Listerine for him.

Try to make him gargle.

Pour it down his throat

and tell him to howl.

Come on, howl,

howl, God damn it.

Stomp on his tail.

Howl, I said,

God damn it, howl.

Oh, dogs are a lot of fun.

Did you ever have a dog

that ate a bunch

of colored balloons

and then he takes a sh*t

and it's real decorative like?

Or sometimes at Christmas

they'll eat some tinsel

and take a shiny sh*t.

Wow, look, mom,

can we hang it on the tree?

Well, it is considered

good luck in some cultures.

Here's a little

household hint for you.

This will help you

clean up after your dogs.

Feed your dog a

lot of rubber bands.

Put a lot of rubber bands

in with his regular food,

then when he takes a sh*t,

there's usually a little

loop in the end of it.

You just pick it

up by the loop,

do you know what I mean?

Throw it in the

neighbor's yard.

Yeah.

That's why I travel around,

give these little

household hints.

Bet you never read

that one in Heloise, huh?

Yeah, about time for me to

get a little drink of water.

Figure this stuff

is safe to drink.

Huh?

Actually, I don't care

if it's safe or not,

I drink it anyway.

You know why?

Because I'm an American,

and I expect a little cancer

in my food and water.

That's right.

I'm a loyal American,

and I'm not happy

unless I've let

government and industry

poison me a

little bit every day.

Let me have a few hundred

thousand carcinogens here.

Ah.

A little cancer

never hurt anybody.

Everybody needs a

little cancer, I think.

It's good for you,

keeps you on your toes.

Besides, I ain't

afraid of cancer,

I had broccoli for lunch.

Broccoli kills cancer.

A lot of people

don't know that,

it's not out yet.

It's true, you find

out you got some cancer,

get yourself a f***ing

bowl of broccoli,

that'll wipe it right

out in a day or two.

Cauliflower, too.

Cauliflower kills

the really big cancers,

the ones you can

see through clothing

from across the street.

Broccoli kills

the little ones,

the ones that are slowly

eating you away from inside,

while your God damn

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