Eddie's Million Dollar Cook-Off Page #3

It traveled to my legs

and made them weak.

There!

Anything else you want to know?

You know what? We can...

How many kidney stones I've passed?

Huh?

Why my right boobie is a little

bit higher than the left?

I just got upset.

These people's all up in my -

- I know, it's all right.

- It's too many cameras.

It's too many white people.

I can't take it, Thaddeus.

They're going to meet

the celebrity guest judges.

They're going to hear the rules.

And then of course,

my favorite part,

the lighting

of the ceremonial oven,

which is just like the Olympics.

It's that kind of "haa"

you know, kind of moment.

When I go "haa," I mean,

like crowds cheering.

That sounded weird.

The pioneer days are coming up.

Will and I are going

as rootin' tootin' cowboys.

Being a mother

is the hardest job ever.

- It's very rewarding, but... -the only

thing probably harder is selling insurance.

I don't know if you're familiar

with the insurance game,

but it is brutal.

I wasn't in Vietnam,

I was too young,

but it's just like that.

It's nuts.

Half the time, I'm selling,

half the time I'm explaining it

to my own staff.

- It's... ugh.

- No. Yeah, nine to five.

I'm a finalist.

It's called a

multi-layered anti-oxidant

rainbow gelatin Dee-light.

It's science and

it's also nutrition.

- Well-

- if we win the cook off,

oh my gosh, a million bucks.

Well, I'm planning on taking

a spa weekend just for myself.

You know, I mean, just me time.

I mean, I'd like

some me time too.

But, um, I'm too busy

earning a living.

- There's more good news?

- Yes, I'm pregnant.

Oh, hey.

She's talked about,

"why don't you get a vasectomy?"

And I'm like, "uh, because

it's a part of my body

that I care a lot about and I'm

not going to take a knife to it."

All of our kids,

if you can believe this,

all of them were born...

I was fully on contraception.

I mean, to be very honest,

I'm scared to sleep in

the same bed with him anymore.

- Just when I look at him

- "do-do, do-do, do-do..."

This is what we call

the ring of fire.

These ovens are used

for the very last stage

of the competition,

and this is only

for the seven finalists.

This is the official

Van Rookle farm Jumbotron.

Basically what'll happen is that

Morty Van Rookle, it's so sad,

he... this is the first time

in 40 years he can't be here

because he had

quadruple bypass surgery,

but he'll be watching us

from the Jumbotron.

Remember, I can see you

from here, okay?

It's almost as if you're

in bed here with me.

- It's so great.

- Morty Van Rookle III is,

um, he's kind of like

a father figure to me

in that I don't talk to

my real dad anymore at all.

I am owner/creator of

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