Conan O'Brien Can't Stop Page #4

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Who says,

"I'm glad I'm losing my job"?

- I think I could be good.

- Yes?

We have another one coming.

I just sent the other runner.

- Did you get me a new assistant?

- I'm trying to keep my job.

Do you mean

a new assistant coming?

That's cool.

I'm just trying to keep my job.

It's fine. This happens often.

With ordering food out on tour,

you have to check everything.

We can't... It's just...

Oh, so Sona should check things?

- Oh.

- No, no, no. Like...

Gus, I can't believe you would...

- No, I'm not throwing her under the bus.

- Gus, you're missing the point.

I want you to throw Sona

under the bus.

It gives me joy.

Tony can tell you what happened,

but it's gonna be fine.

- Over half the time, I do it right.

- Yeah.

That's great.

If you were an airplane pilot,

there'd be a lot of dead people out there.

And I'm trying to keep it lean,

and she keeps going out

and getting me fish that lived in butter.

It actually lived

and grew up in butter.

But you're gonna be fine.

I said no butter.

Usually I'm at a certain weight

and then when I went off TV...

There was a period there of...

Just... no, that's okay.

Of just, like, cheese popcorn.

There was, like, what I call

my "f*** it" period.

"F*** them. F*** them.

They're crazy."

Oh, God.

Hello? Job'?

Tell me it's a job.

I'm still... we're making it up.

First you got to sell tickets.

We did that.

That's the hard part.

Then you come up with a show.

Apple's new iPad will be declared

the most revolutionary device

of the last 50 years

by the editors of

Things to Snort Cocaine Off Of magazine.

Oh, the TBS thing is at 4:00.

We find out how real that is,

if that's really happening.

Yeah, we're not going on TBS.

When is our meeting on Oxygen, Jeff?

All I know is that Sona

hears these things

and then moves

heaven and earth to make sure

that we cancel our rehearsals

so that you and I drag our asses to TBS.

And then it's USA.

My scheme is for Animal Planet.

All right, now, ladies and gentlemen,

I know you're glad

to see the masturbating bear,

but there is a problem.

The masturbating bear

is legally the property of NBC.

Ladies and gentlemen,

say good-bye to the masturbating bear

and say hello

to a brand-new character

that you're gonna see tonight

for the first time,

our own self-pleasuring panda.

Guys, guys, there's a problem here.

When I say, "the self-pleasuring panda,"

he never seems to know to go,

and then you guys keep playing,

so nothing happens.

- Can the actor who's playing... who is it?

- Blake.

Blake, can you not hear me

when I say, "the self-pleasuring panda"?

- What's that?

- Oh, f*** you.

Kiss LaBamba.

And then we cut to LaBamba.

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