Chris Moyles' Comedy Empire Page #3

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I tried!

"Yo, gimme your money!"

"Come on, now..."

"He looks like Arnold

from Different Strokes, come on!"

"Give me YOUR money!"

I'm like, "I'm serious!"

"'Course you are!"

"Look at his cheeks! Don't you want

to pinch his cheeks?"

It wasn't the life for me,

I had to go out and get a real job.

Make some noise if you've got a job.

Still got one, but you still have

those people in your workplace,

you know what I'm talking about,

people at home know what

I'm talking about.

You get those annoying

people in your workplace, don't you?

If you don't have annoying people

at work, it's you. You're the one...

at work that everybody hates.

They always say they're leaving.

"I'm leaving." Well f***ing leave.

You've been saying that for ever.

They don't go. I used to work in an

office before I used to do this.

What used to annoy me

the most was birthdays.

Not the fact that

it was someone's birthday,

it's just the big

hoo-hah in the office.

They come round your workstation

like they're ninjas.

"What?" "You need to put

a pound in the envelope for Karen."

You're like, "Who the f***'s Karen?"

"She works downstairs.

Quickly sign the card before

she comes back from lunch.

"It's a surprise."

It's not a surprise.

Everyone in the workplace gets

a birthday card on their birthday.

That's not a surprise.

A surprise would be if the boss

came out and did a sh*t on her desk.

That would be a surprise.

It would be childish,

but that's just what I am.

Every year you get told you've

got to be a bit more mature.

Marks and Spencer's is calling me

every year. It's like a magnet.

I'm repelling cos

I don't want to be like that.

But something happens in your life.

What happened to me is I got a

little baby. I got a little baby boy.

It's amazing.

When I first found out I'm having

a baby boy, I told the whole world.

"I'm having a boy." They're like,

"What are you going to call him?"

Everyone's got suggestions of what

you should call your baby.

"Why don't you call your baby

George?"

I've got an uncle called George.

I don't even like him.

I'm not calling my baby George.

"What about Alfie?"

I was like, "What black man you ever

met in your life is called Alfie?"

"What about Mugabe then?"

Now you're taking the piss.

I can't call my baby Mugabe.

You can't get into nursery

with that name.

I said, "When he comes out,

he'll have a name that fits him."

Some people have names that fit them.

All Traceys look like Traceys,

don't they?

And Nigels. That's a Nigel.

You know when it's a Nigel.

And all police look racist,

it's just... it's just what it is.

But he came out

and we called him Kayden.

I remember the first time

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