Chris D'Elia: Man on Fire Page #4

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right now.

I'm on-stage yelling into a microphone

at you guys.

I'm like,

"It's like this. It's like that."

You guys are all looking back at me like,

"Yeah, he's right."

It feels like it's my movie, but it's not.

In real life, the movie

is probably about like a couple in back corner arguing.

And the girl gets so mad

that she storms out.

And this is just a scene at the Vogue

in f***ing Vancouver, Canada.

[audience cheering]

Yeah.

I'm not even Chris D'Elia in this movie.

I'm comedian number six.

[audience laughing]

But you try, right?

You try 'cause you have to.

You try to make life yours, right?

Life throws what it throws you

and you gotta roll with the punches.

That's what happened to me, you know?

I met a girl and I hung out with her

for too long, and then...

Then I loved her.

By the way, that's what love is. That's what it is.

Hanging out with someone for too long.

That's what it is.

It's true. F*** these movies.

They glorify love.

Two people standing in the rain,

looking at each other,

not giving a sh*t that it's raining

'cause they're holding so much eye contact.

Right?

They're just like, "I f***ing love you.

Ah. You're my soul mate.

I'm so lucky I found you.

Why am I the one that's so lucky?

I can't belie... I miss you when I blink."

[audience laughing]

"Where did you go?"

"Oh, I was just blinking."

That's not what people say in real life

as soon as it starts raining.

You know what people say in real life as soon as it

starts raining?

No matter how much in love they are,

no matter how much eye contact they're making,

this is what we all say:

"Hey. [spits] Ah. Let's go inside."

That's what we say.

Love is not that certain.

If I could pick two words that love is,

it's right here: "I guess."

[audience chuckles]

Love is "I guess.", so you find yourself your "I guess"

person and have an "I guess" family.

That's what you do.

And then you "I guess" your way

all throughout life. That's what you do.

You say, "Yeah, let's get married,

I guess, and then have kids, I guess,

and feed them,

I guess, uh... every day, I guess.

And take a trip if we have the money,

I guess.

And when I'm sick, you'll make me soup

if you're in the right mood, I guess.

And then when you die,

I'll be right by your side.

I guess. I don't know. That's so far away.

Honestly...At this point, I hope I go first."

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