Chris D'Elia: Man on Fire Page #3

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And he's like, "Shut the f*** up!"

And you go:
"Oh, Oh!"

And the spreadsheets fly everywhere,

you b*tch ass. That's you.

You're not f***ing Denzel.

You think you are?

You think you're the man on fire?

Is that what you think?

You think you walk out of a car

in slow motion

with the music blaring in the background?

[mimicking dramatic music]

No. When you get out of your car,

the music stops.

'Cause it was on the radio in your car!

You don't get out on a mission

with a beautiful dove

flying out of your backseat.

And the wind casually flipping

your Hawaiian shirt up, exposing your abs.

You don't even have abs, you fat f***!

[audience laughing]

You don't get out like:

[mimicking dramatic music]

You get out and it's like:

[mimicking wacky music]

[mimics farting noise] Fat. Fat f***.

F*** a dove. There's a pigeon at best.

And it's fatter than you are.

It can't even get off the ground.

It's eating the Doritos that fell out of your car

when you got out,

you f***ing piggy fat f***.

[audience laughing]

[man in audience] Yeah!

You're not...

You're not Denzel.

You're not the man on fire.

You think you are. A lot of you think

I'm talking about other people.

You are other people to other people.

You think you're the f***ing man.

You think that's your movie, you f***ing...

You think if someone pulled a gun on you,

you might, "Do it. Come on, motherf***er!

Let's see what you got!

Come on, show me the balls you got! Ahhh!"

No way. Neither would I.

I'm not saying I'm better than that.

Here's me or anybody in here

if we got a gun pulled on us.

This is what we do:

[groans, then crying]

"Take my girl, take my girl.

You can f*** her."

[audience chuckles]

You're not Denzel.

You're not the man on fire. Right?

Life's not your movie,

that's what I'm trying to say.

That's what makes more sense, right?

You know what life is more like?

We're all extras in someone else's movie.

That's what it's more like, right?

And you guys kinda believe me.

You're like, you know, 70 to 75 percent there.

You're like:

"Well, yeah,

I mean... Chris D'Elia is right,

but... also, ha, ha...

I'm a little bit Denzel." Right?

You know what that is? That's your ego.

That's... I have that, too.

I have that ego.

You try to live life like it's your movie

because you don't want to f***ing be

the b*tch-ass extra, right?

I certainly...

I orchestrate my life that way.

I literally feel like I'm the lead of my movie

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