Catherine Tate's Nan Page #4

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NAN SIGHS:

SHE SIGHS:

Innit hot?

Oh, innit hot, eh?

Oh, I am hot!

You hot, love?

You've got to be hot. I mean, it stands to reason, don't it?

I mean, if I'm hot...you've got to be roasting, ain't ya?

You've got to be roasting. I mean, I don't know how you do it, darling, I really don't!

I'd be sick, I'd be so hot.

I would. I'd be sat here...spewing.

I'd be sick!

Sick! Sick! Sick!

I'd have a bilious attack then I'd be sick, I would be so hot!

BUZZER Number 485.

Oh, here are, that's me.

Anyway, hope you catch a breeze, darling.

She's got a point, it is hot.

Good afternoon.

Number 485? Yes, dear. Here you are.

Have you filled out your forms? I have, love.

Did you take the correct forms in the corresponding colours?

Yes, I did, dear.

I have a numbered ticket of which number you have just called out.

I filled out a form from the red section

and I sat in the blue section.

I've done everything you asked me to do,

now...could someone

please fix my bastard taps?

Right, Mrs Taylor, we've processed all your forms

and I'm afraid to say that, unfortunately,

it is not a priority case.

Not a priority case?! I'm 75 years old!

Nonetheless, you're in good health, you live alone...

What you talking about?!

My granddaughter, Alice, lives with me now!

So you have another person to help you around the house?

Well, she's no help, she's useless.

And...blind.

Blind?! Yeah.

Say hello, Alice.

Poor blind Alice. What?!

Just say hello!

In front of you is a spinster...

..what smells of cats and loneliness...

..who wants to help us.

Hello.

She's not blind. She is! Why's she holding a book? That's mine.

Percy Jackson And The Lightning Thief? You're reading that?

Yes, I am.

"It's perfectly paced with electrifying moments

"that chase each other like heartbeats.

"The New York Times."

She's not blind, Mrs Taylor. We can all see she's not blind.

Well, she can't!

May I remind you, Mrs Taylor,

that impersonating someone with a disability is a crime.

You calling her a liar?!

My poor blind, ginger Alice?!

There is no way this girl is blind!

Of course she's blind! If she weren't blind,

she'd duck.

You see? You all right, love?

Security, please! Oh, leave off!

I can't see! Oh, it's no good now, Alice, she don't believe us.

Put your hands behind your back. Yeah, all right, I'm coming.

Oh, I suppose this means I've got to clean out the khazis now, does it?

Come on, Alice, we're off. No, really, I can't see!

Oh, don't take the piss, love.

Hark at this.

"Dear Deirdre, I found my husband wearing my underwear

"and I don't know what to do."

Deirdre says, "Your husband is exploring his feminine side,

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