Catherine Tate's Nan Page #2

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Listen, if they ain't going to fix my taps,

I can't see 'em splashing out on a winch just to get you in a bath.

Er...excuse me, I'm here for a parking permit.

Blimey! What do you drive, a skip?

Madam, read the sign!

"Our employees and visitors

"are entitled to be here without threat of abuse or rude language."

Right. Well...try not to be such a difficult cow, love,

then you wouldn't need a sign.

Eh? Am I right?

Madam, I will call Security.

Security?!

I'm 75 years old! What do you think I'm going to do?

Knit you another sign that says, "Go and f*** yourself!"

Security!

Yeah? Yeah, you call Security, love.

Me and this extremely fat man...will not take this lying down!

And he can barely get up.

I do Pilates! Good luck to you, love, every little helps.

I go three times a week! Yeah? What, they got a canteen there?

I'm not that fat! Security, please remove this woman from my desk!

Oh, listen, you leave this poor man alone.

His only crime is loving food

that little bit more than he loves Pilates.

And look at him...he loves Pilates.

I'm going to have to ask you to leave, madam.

No, I'm not leaving! I'm not leaving till me number comes up!

Me and this extremely fat man...will chain ourselves to the railings.

My name's Steve! Steve...The Extremely Fat Man!

I'm afraid I'm going to have to take you out.

You'll never get them on him. Have a look at his wrists, they're the size of legs!

I'm going to have to restrain YOU. What? You've got to be joking!

I'm afraid not. What?!

Look...! Oh...! Oh, my gawd!

Oh, my gawd, it's me heart! Oh! Oh!

MONITOR BEEPS Paddles.

PADDLES CHARGE Clear!

Wait.

Right, then, who wants tea?

Madam, this is a sterile area!

Well, I washed this morning.

Madam, please leave!

Would she like a cup of tea?

Who is this?

I am serving a Community Service Order for disturbing the peace

and simulating a heart attack.

That is disgraceful! Hobnob?

What's all this, then?

Ah.

Is that your son, is it? That's my granddaughter.

Oh.

Shame.

Still, it's a nice frame, innit?

COMPUTER BEEPS Oh! There he is, love.

Here are, put it down there.

'Hello, Nan.' Hello, darling, how are ya?

Nan, where are you? Oh, didn't I tell you, love? I'm up the hospital.

'No. What is it?' Yeah, they've sent me up the hospital, in't they?

'Why, Nan?' Why?

I'm not well.

'Well, you don't look well, Nan.' No. It's just me blood pressure and me...lung.

And me heart. And me other lung.

How's your holiday? 'It's not a holiday, Nan.'

How's Kajagoogoo?

'Ngudu is fine, Nan. Look, are you sure you're all right?

'Can I do anything?' No, love, you just enjoy your holiday.

'The thing is, Nan, we're at a really crucial stage.

'The new filtration system...' Nan! Nan, the doctor! Yeah, don't keep on, son. Ta-ta.

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