Blackadder's Christmas Carol Page #5

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give the Queen an enormous

present, and then... Qchk!

What? He'll turn into a duck?

Yes.

Pity about this, Tinky Wink.

You used to love this time of year.

I know.

Leaving a mince pie and a glass of wine out

for Father Christmas

and then scoffing it

because I was a princess

and could do what I bloody well liked.

And wondering if your father's wife

would last till Boxing Day

without having her head cut off.

We knew if he gave her a hat

she'd probably be all right.

- Happy days!

- Yes. Maybe I was a little rash.

Ah, boys, welcome back!

But, Melchett, what have you got under your coat?

Is it a present?

A present, Majesty? But of course!

You're so painfully transparent, Blackadder.

Am I?

That's fab! I love presents.

For a moment, I took against Christmas,

but now I'm dippy about it again.

In fact, I'd like to marry you.

If you weren't as unattractive as a giant slug.

Oh, pish, Majesty!

Anyway, to reward you,

I'm going to give you lots of presents.

Fancy a castle?

- Windsor, Majesty?

- Title?

- Duke of Kent?

- Anything else?

A devilish saucy wife would be fun.

- Lady Jane Pottle.

- Oh, yummy!

I think she's Blackadder's girl,

but that doesn't matter, does it, Blacky?

No, of course not, ma'am.

And would Lord Melchett like

to whip me naked through Aberdeen?

- We needn't go that far.

- Oh, too kind.

No, Aylesbury's quite far enough.

Super. Well done, Melchy.

Now, Blackadder, what have you got me?

- Erm...

- I want a pressie!

Give me something nice and shiny.

If you don't, I've got something

nice and shiny for you: an axe!

- Erm, well..

- Right, that's it!

Any last requests before I chop

your block off for the Chrimble tree?

Erm, well there is one, actually, ma'am.

You know how I've always been

a great admirer of you both.

I was wondering if I could have your autographs

to keep me company

during the final tragic, lonely hours.

- Oh, all right.

- Thank you, ma'am.

And Lord Melchett. Just there. Thank you.

- Oh, dear me!

- What is it?

Why, this piece of paper

that Your Majesty has just signed

turns out to be some sort of death warrant.

Oops!

And I can't retract it without destroying

the whole basis of the British Constitution.

I fear not.

- Is there a name on it?

- Yes, actually, it says "Lord..."

Oh, I can't read this terrible childish writing.

"Lord Melchett." Lord Melchett, that's it.

Ma'am, it's a trick! You've been tricked.

Oh, good!

Christmas is a time for tricks

and japes and larks of all kinds.

Tell you what, that's so brilliant

I'll execute Melchett instead.

You're very kind, ma'am.

I suppose that means that everything

of Lord Melchett's becomes yours.

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