Blackadder's Christmas Carol Page #4

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Can I get you some tea or anything?

You wouldn't have anything

a bit more...medicinal?

I see. I've only got some

of Nurse Macready's surgical bruise lotion.

Oh, nothing but the best at this house, eh?

Huh. Mmm.

Delicious.

It's a change from these skinflints.

You know that old fellow

across the road? Bags of money.

He tried to cut his heating bills

by using his John Thomas

as a draught excluder.

Oh, dear, old people today!

Tut!

How do you make them change their ways?

It's visions these days.

We used to use line drawings,

but the visions are more effective.

- What sort of thing?

- It depends.

Perhaps a glimpse of their school behaviour

behind the penny-farthing sheds.

Some others, we just show them

how rotten their ancestors were.

With your ancestors, it would have to be

the full one-hour-ten vision,

with a break and ice creams.

- That bad, were they?

- Did nobody tell you?

Stinkers to a man. Perhaps you'd like to see.

Whoo-oo. Whoo-oo.

Go on, my lord. Give it a little pull

You know you want to.

- It'll be ever so exciting.

- Oh, God!

Yes, terrifying.

Look. There's a surprise present for you inside.

It's a novelty death warrant

and you give it to a friend.

- Oh, just what I've always wanted.

- Got anything for me?

- It's nothing really.

- Oh, sir.

No, it's really nothing. I haven't got you anything.

I spent all my cash

on this damn thing for the Queen.

She better bloody like it.

She dropped enough hints.

That woman's about as subtle

as a rhinoceros horn up the backside.

Door!

Good morning, Your Majesty.

Christmas again, eh? What joy!

- Don't you just love it?

- No, I hate it.

- In fact, I've just abolished it.

- Sorry?

I'm going to block up the chimneys,

burn all the crackers

and kill anyone carrying a present.

Oh!

- What's that, Edmund?

- This?

- It's a window.

- A window.

Yes, but you seem to have one here,

so sorry to disturb you.

Ohh.

Well so much for that.

Ow!

Ah, Melchett.

Greetings! I trust Christmas

brings you its traditional mix

of good food and violent stomach cramp.

And compliments

of the season to you, Blackadder.

May the Yuletide log burn your house down.

I'm glad I saw you. I feel it only fair to warn you

that the Queen has banned Christmas.

So don't get her a present.

I'm indebted to you for that advice

and I shall follow it to the letter.

The day I get my brain replaced by a cauliflower.

- Ha! Got him with my subtle plan.

- I can't see any subtle plan.

You wouldn't see a subtle plan

if it painted itself purple

and danced naked on a harpsichord

singing "Subtle Plans Are Here Again."

It's a double bluff.

Melchett will do the opposite of what I tell him,

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