A Merry Friggin' Christmas Page #5

---

all this Santa crap is for babies!

Every dumb-ass knows

there's no such thing!

Shut up! Shut your mouth! Shut your

big, eating mouth! Right now, shut it!

- Santa will find me here, right Dad?

- Of course he will, Bug.

In fact, Santa just texted me to say

that he made you an amazing present!

But you're gonna have to

wait until morning to see it.

Okay.

Look at this pile of crap. This country's

so damn excessive it makes me wanna puke.

Oh put a sock in it, Mitchler.

Well, they're all down.

- Oh that's super, honey.

- Good job.

- Where's Douglas' stuff?

- Oh gosh, buried in there somewhere.

- Everything's out of the car?

- I got the last of it out of there.

Well, none of it's here.

None of Douglas' presents are here.

No, that's impossible. You put

them in the car this morning.

- I didn't, you did.

- No, you gave me the thumbs up!

- Meaning you do it, and you nodded!

- Wait, what are you two saying?

- Boyd...

- Not Boyd, Luann!

Boyd and I left all of

Douglas' stuff in Chicago.

- Oh, jeez.

- It's gonna be fine!

We'll think of something! Right?

Oh I have an idea.

What's it called, Toys "R"...

Us.

Babe, the mall closes at six, all right?

Just sit there and look pretty.

Okay, listen, Randy Sickle over there

in Commercial, they're open 24 hours,

we'll go over there, pick him up maybe

one of those singing bass plaques

and a mesh hat.

Hey, come on, he's seven.

Throw in a pack of grape hike shoes

boom, it's done. What do you say?

The kid's never gonna know

the difference. "Christmas, hey!"

That's exactly what you would do!

Nice parenting, really nice!

Last time I checked, it ain't exactly great

parenting ruining your kid's Christmas,

- Prime Time!

- I should knock you on your ass.

Oh really? Bring it Sally!

I'd love to see you try! Come on!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Now if we're gonna do this,

we're gonna need some ground rules.

I'm going. I'm driving back.

It's not even 11.

That gives me eight hours

until he's up. I'm going.

- Boyd, don't go!

- You can't do it, it's too far!

He's not going anywhere,

Donna, he's all show and no go.

Boyd. Boyd, stop.

You've had four hours of sleep.

You're gonna kill yourself!

Any day now, Douglas is gonna wake up and

realize the world is a mean, nasty place

where your hopes and dreams

eventually get smashed to bits.

- Until then, he needs this.

- I'm sorry, who needs this?

If I can just make him believe

for one more Christmas.

Having Christmas is

not about stuff, Boyd.

Look, just wait. Okay, go tomorrow,

when you've had some sleep.

We'll say that we delayed Christmas

a day. We'll make it fun.

I understand.

Mitch ruined Christmas for you,

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes