A Merry Friggin' Christmas

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1

Santa?

Holy crap, Boyd. What the hell

you doing back there, buddy?

Waiting on Santa Claus?

Aren't you getting a little

old for Santa Claus?

I'm five.

It's all a sham, Boyd.

The whole Goddamn deal.

I'm the only Santa

you're ever gonna know.

If you know the truth,

it's easy to get through it all.

In fact, let's see

what he brought you.

Meet my father, Mitch Mitchler.

All we need is a couple

of Chinese workers.

He was a little bit complicated.

Maybe I was destined to become

an overcompensator as a dad,

Christmas being the most

obvious manifestation of that.

Alright, here we go.

Okay, lean in, everyone.

I'm also a realist. I can't

control everything...

- the weather, for instance.

- Look Dad, it's snowing!

- Well, Bug, that's actually fake snow.

- Because of global warming.

The warmest winter on record in the

Midwest assured a non-white Christmas.

The bigger issue by far,

was the Santa conundrum.

Vera was very much on

the fence, Santa-wise.

But Douglas still believed.

Dad, why are there two Santas?

But for how much longer?

That guy's not Santa, Bug.

He probably smells like pee

and burnt hair because

he's a welfare person.

- Vera!

- Santa's not real anyway.

Santa's not real, Dad?

Of course Santa's real.

No one's not real.

Everyone's real, including Santa.

Vera, a word please.

Whatever you think you know,

Vera, you don't.

Most kids in my class don't

believe in Santa anymore.

But Madison and me...

I mean Madison and I,

we kinda still did,

except that Madison's sister,

the one who did the BJ to this kid...

Vera, you don't actually

know what the B...

- what that expression means, do you?

- It stands for butt jam,

and I think it has to do with jamming

stuff up your butt for money,

but anyway, Madison's sister,

she showed us this website, nosanta.org.

Well, Madison's sister is a

deceitful little strumpet.

What Dad means is that it's okay for you

to decide about Santa, but Douglas...

He absolutely believes.

And we won't want to do anything

to spoil Christmas for him, right?

Oh, right, I won't spoil

it for Bug, Dad. Sorry.

Thank you.

You are a very kind and

generous young man.

And you are going to have a very

merry and special Christmas.

Oh ho ho ho!

Hey, you wanna...

I wasn't gonna ask if you wanna

smoke meth or kill a drifter.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean that.

I just... I'm exhausted.

I'm with you. I just

thought I should ask.

One day we're gonna have to, right?

Or, we could just enjoy the

slow descent into celibacy.

How many years do

you think Bug has left

where he walks into the living

room Christmas morning,

he sees the tree,

and presents, his stomach just drops,

because holy crap, Santa came?

Can you imagine still having

that kind of belief in magic?

Yeah, it's really cool.

Do you think you're overcompensating

- on the Christmas thing, just a tad?

- Overcompens... on the Christmas thing?

No! I don't think that at all.

He's six years old.

- Okay, this is your brother, again.

- Pass.

You can't keep pretending

your family doesn't exist.

I'm pretty sure I can.

Come on babe, take the call,

before it wakes the kids up.

Hi, Nelson.

- Whoa, that is spooky.

- How'd you know it was me?

We have caller ID,

so your number comes up.

Just right there on the phone?

Boy, that is something.

I gotta look into that.

- You know, that's a miracle of science.

- Yeah, you bet.

Hold on one sec, Boyd.

Sorry to call you so late by the way.

Is it night time where you are, too?

No, it's 10 here too,

because Chicago and Wisconsin-

What is in the same time zone!

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