Throw Momma from the Train

"The night was... "

(thunder)

"The night was... "

"The night... "

(grunts)

The Phantom of the Novel...

.. is coming to haunt

the pages of Larry Donner.

Jeez, what the hell am I doing?

Hello, Op. Remember me?

Professor Blank?

We're back. Well, I'm sure

you all know the name Margaret Donner.

- Unless you live under a rock.

- No!

Ladies and gentlemen, the author

of the best-selling novel "Hot Fire".

- Author of the best-selling novel?

- You must be very proud of yourself.

- Well, I... I am.

- The woman stole my book!

- What's to be proud of?

- .. and there's just you,...

.. you facing you in that mirror,

do you say "Margaret, you did it"?

- Yes, I do.

- Slut!

She's a slut! Look at her! Slut!

- Hey! Hey, man, your wife's on TV!

- Ex-wife, Lester. Ex-wife.

- She looks good!

- Criminals don't age. It's a common fact.

- What the hell do you want?

- Something for a gig.

- You got anything in green?

- You borrowed all my green.

It is a lot more difficult for women

to get themselves published...

How about women thieves, Oprah?

Big difference.

I would say that, once I was divorced,...

.. blissfully divorced,...

.. a freedom overcame me, and I was

allowed to be the writer, the artist,...

.. that I was never allowed to be within

the confines of my prison-like marriage.

Did you think about writing

when you were with this beast?

- Well, I did. I did, yes.

- (laughter)

Because he fancied himself

a sort of a hack writer.

I watched him at the typewriter and

thought:
Oh, God, I can do that in spades.

Then did, clearly.

How do you think he will feel now

about your success?

- Frankly, I don't really care how he feels.

- (laughter)

- Well, Margaret...

- (applause)

So she stole your book.

Write another one and forget it.

- I am writing.

- Oh, you're writing?

- Yes, I am.

- Yeah, right! "The night was... "

- The night was what?

- I just started.

- You been on "The night was" since July.

- It takes place in the Yukon.

.. severed the ties. You live in Hawaii now.

- Yes. I just adore a tropical climate.

- Look at those earrings, man!

It's your money.

How was it that you, Margaret Donner,...

.. produced such a brilliant piece of

writing in... just your first time out?

Well, Oprah, I mean...

it's the story of my life.

It's my life, Margaret! And I want it back!

"Hot Fire", ladies and gentlemen. Thank

you so much for being on the show.

- My pleasure.

- I want it back!

- Owen!

- (thunder)

Owen!

Owen!

Owen! Owen!

- What?!

- Get me a soda with some ice in it!

- Owen, hurry up!

- Momma...

- Chop chop, Owen! Come on!

- All right!

- You were writing a letter!

- No, Momma!

You were writing to tell them to take me

away! You want them to take me away!

I'm writin' a story for class, Momma!

I don't want 'em to take you away!

- Yes, you do!

- Owen loves his momma!

(mimics) "Owen loves his momma. "

(singsong) Owen loves his momma,

Owen loves his momma...

- Hurry up with that soda!

- Coming, Momma.

(mimics) "Coming, Momma. "

I'm choking to death, you moron!

- You're too damn slow!

- I'm sorry, Momma.

(mimics) "I'm sorry, Momma. "

- Where are the salted nuts?

- The salted ones are no good for you.

The unsalted ones make me choke!

Aarrghhh!

Momma!

You clumsy poop! What'd you do that for?

Come on, move it, lard-ass!

Pick up every piece!

"'Dive,...

.. dive!' yelled the captain

through the thing. "

"So the man who makes it dive pressed

a button or something and it dove,...

.. and the enemy was foiled again. "

"'Looks like we foiled them again'

said Dave. "

"'Yeah' said the captain. "

"'We foiled those bastards again,

didn't we, Dave?'"

"'Yeah' said Dave. "

"The end. "

OK.

Here we have all the elements of drama.

We have the tension, the horror of war...

Uh... Mrs Hazeltine, when you're writing

a novel that takes place on a submarine,...

.. it's not a bad idea to know

the name of the instrument...

.. that the captain speaks through.

- I used to know that.

- And your similes... need a little work.

"His guts oozed nice

like a melted malted. "

Well, it's, um... a little...

- Too harsh?

- A tad.

Otherwise it was, um...

.. very good, it was, uh...

.. very real.

Here's another one.

This is a real classic by Mr Pinsky.

It's entitled 100 Girls I'd Like to Pork.

Pork?

It's a coffee-table book.

100 Girls I'd Like to... hm.

"Chapter 1:
Kathleen Turner. "

"Chapter 2:
Cybill Shepherd.

Chapter 3:
Suzanne Pleshette. "

"Chapter 4:
The Girl

in the Taco Commercial. "

"Chapter 5:
The Woman in 4B.

Chapter 6:
The Oriental Laker Girl. "

"Chapter 7:
Chris... "

Mr Pinsky, this is not literature.

Well, you know,

I would put in photographs,...

.. a brief character sketch,

like a biography,...

.. and a nice dust jacket.

- Mr Pinsky, what is this?

- It's... literature. It's a fantasy.

Like Melville. This is

my great white whale.

- It's whacking material.

- Isn't that literature?

How do you associate Moby Dick to a list

of women you'd like to have sex with?

- I think it's brave.

- (Mrs Hazeltine) He's vulgar.

- They said Twain was.

- I'm saying he is.

- I think you're vulgar.

- You're a no-talent sh*t.

- Maybe I should change the title.

- (man) I like the title.

- (bell)

- OK, I'll see you Wednesday, class.

Good work today. Remember,

a writer writes... always.

Argh! Oh!

- This is your tie.

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